Please Pass the Polenta

I am losing my mind. I'm pretty sure that pregnancy/ breastfeeding kill brain cells (joke).

But seriously, I went grocery shopping a couple days ago while my mom was here with the two big girls. When I got home, it was time for Ruthie to take a nap. Mom left, and I proceeded to lay Ruthie down. It wasn't until I was outside opening up the door to the van that I realized "What in the world am I doing trying to put Ruthie in the van?! She needs her bed!" Sooo we walk back inside & I put her in bed. Now it was time to get groceries (what I believe I was originally trying to do while holding Ruthie). So I walk outside, think to myself "it's beautiful out here!", go check the mail, thumb through it, come back into the house and realize "Wait, I wasn't meaning to get the mail I was meaning to get the groceries!!"
So you could imagine my frustration with myself & how convinced I was that I was *crazy* when I completely misplaced dinner yesterday.
I was making chicken and cheesy polenta (similar to grits, but a "healthier" version) with broccoli. The chicken was already in the oven, as I was on the phone chatting with my friend who recently moved to Nashville. I pulled everything out of the pantry, turned water on to boil, thena few minutes later when it was boiling reached for the bag of polenta. It wasn't there. Hmmm...
I searched all over my counters again, searched and researched the pantry, I even looked in the refrigerator thinking I placed it there. I was laughing at myself out loud to my friend as I went on and on about how crazy I am that I even misplaced our dinner! (I had just told her about my recent temporary loss of insanity the previous day.)
Trying to retrace my steps, I looked in the girls' bedroom & the bathroom (remembering that Gabbi had recently gone potty & Catie woke up from her nap). Maybe it was there? Nope. My friend told me to go ahead and get off the phone to figure it out & call her later. Once I was off the phone, I looked at G & C sitting at the table coloring. I picked C up & looked in her booster, then asked Gabbi to move so I could look in her chair.

"Have you seen a bag of food?" I asked G.

"Nope," she replied, as I walked back into the kitchen and began searching again. "I just hid it."
"You hid what?"
"That food you were talking about. I hid it," she said cheerfully. "Come on! I'll show you! Follow me!" I followed her into the living room, where she reached under the side table that sits between our two couches and pulls out the bag of Polenta... giggling.

"Why did you do that?" I asked, laughing.
"I was just being silly," she shrugged.

What a silly girl!!!

She heard my entire conversation as I frantically searched our home for some missing bag of polenta, convinced I had lost my mind. I can only imagine what was going on in her little head.

As I continued cooking a few minutes later she looked up at me from her coloring book, "Mommy, I'm sorry I hid that from you."
"Aw Baby, I forgive you, you were funny. Just don't do it anymore okay?"
I'm absolutely thankful for little moments like this in my life, where my sweet silly girls keep me laughing.

Changes...

My little waterbabies.

In the past I've prided myself on not being a "type A" personality.

I'm laid back. I am not a natural leader & canNOT make a decision. Even though my lack of decision making, I think, stems from a fear of man & secretly wanting to make everyone happy (not necessarily a good thing). I don't schedule. I'm so not a scheduler, nor am I organized. I've always been pretty go-with-the-flow, wherever the day takes us, nap/no nap, whatever.......

So three kids & no schedule, let me tell you how that's going for me... it's not.

Can you excuse me for a minute while I scream:::

AAaaHhhhHHHhhhhHHHHhh

Ok. Thanks :)

Now, I'll clarify by saying I'm not swinging to the other end of the pendulum and going "Babywise" on Baby Girl or anything. Gary Ezzo & I aren't friends. However, my big girls need some structure. So last week, in the midst of this crazy little corner called *my life* I sat down and wrote out a *tentative* daily schedule. Can you picture this? It's after lunch, I still haven't showered for the day & am fashionably sporting my new daily do of "bed head". My house looks like the bottom of a toaster, I finally have the 2 younger girls down for a nap, Gabbi is bouncing off the walls & I'm scrounging for whatever pen & paper I find laying around. Determined to, one day, create order in this home!

My fear of schedules is deep-rooted though. I have such a tendency toward legalism that I've grown to fear schedules. I've feared making ourselves a daily list of "tasks" that have to be accomplished. If said things aren't accomplished, I've created an avenue of false guilt for myself. I've done this in the past. But sitting around in our jammies watching NickJr till 11:30 isn't the answer either. Which is the pattern a new baby + excruciating hot summer creates. So finding that balance is my goal!

I'm supposed to have 2 years until Gabbi starts school... we don't do Mother's Day Out, or preschool or anything like that, but I have been wanting to start some preschool at home with her. As much as she wants to anyway- I don't want to squash her love of learning by trying to fit her into a mold. So I've already decided if preschool becomes a struggle we're going to stop. She does love to learn, though, & has enjoyed the little "school" sessions we've done the past week. If she does well with preschool this year, I see myself going ahead and starting Kindergarten a year ahead, next year.

I'm getting ahead of myself though... I put our "tentative schedule" into practice last week and we did great!! The TV was consistently off after Gabbi watched her show of choice at 8:30. Catie got her one choice of TV show later in the morning. She had "alone play" time while Gabbi and I did little "school" sessions- which mainly consisted of practicing her Awana verses, learning the days of Creation, and letter writing. It's good enough for now to get us into a little routine until we actually purchase a preschool curriculum when she turns 4 in October. In the afternoon is Gabbi's alone play time while Catie and I have some much needed one-on-one play time. I've realized the past few months my sweet girl has gotten lost in the chaos. I get alone time with Gabbi because she gets up earlier than Catie. I get plenty of quality time with Ruthie between breastfeeding & babywearing. My Catie-bug is just always awake when someone else is. I've realized this is something I need to be intentional about doing. I think she *might* be enjoying our quality time as much as I am... but maybe not ;)

The schedule will need some tweaking as Ruthie gets bigger and works herself into a routine. And when it gets a little cooler out we'll have daily outside play time. Right now, however, it is just too hot for all of us. There is zero shade in our yard & we (I guess by "we" I really mean "Mommy") just can't bear the heat. So a couple times a week is all we get right now. I'm also trying to integrate a weekly (meaning, same time every week) trip to the grocery store & Farmer's Market. Right now it's just been "I'll take what I can get" (whether that's after Dustin gets home after 6, or sunday nights at 9, or when mom happens to have the girls)...and same as cooking. I love to cook... but all these things falling into place have not been happening since our Baby entered our family. She seriously has shaken my world!!! And I have just not bounced back yet & found our new normal.

So here you have it. Our new normal is organization!!! It's just desperately needed with 3 little ones under 4... I'm finding my way. Any of my organized Mommy friends, please feel free to share your daily schedules or a tip for creating order in your home!

A few more pictures for your viewing pleasure :)

*somebody rolled over!*

*she is getting so big*

*little sweet face*

Aunt Biddy vs. Nana

Has anyone ever had someone in their life- well, I'm sure we all have- that we'll call "Aunt Biddy". The member of the family you will never please. Always has something to say about your weight, your clothes, your hair, your life decisions, your parenting decisions, etc. She's very passive aggressive in her comments about said things. No matter how hard you try- or don't try, whatever- she has all the answers. You hate to ask her a favor because she'll let you know, ever so slyly, that it's a burden to her.

I have enough Aunt Biddys in my life to count on a hand.

I often feel like the black sheep of my family... the one who didn't finish college. The one who married a guy she barely dated. The one who had an oops-of-a- "honeymoon" baby & now just keeps "oops" having babies. I let my kids run around barefoot & I let them climb on the furniture. I had "so much going for me" and now I'm "just" a young mom.

Some people in my family think I'm irresponsible. Or crazy. Or both.

Then there's Nana... I have a Nana I adopted as my own a few years ago, Nana Betty. No matter what she loves me. She loves my kids and is overjoyed with each pregnancy. She sees the Lord's hand in my life- whether or not I make decisions she doesn't agree with, I would never know because she doesn't let me know. She accepts who I am for what I am. And accepts that the Lord has plans for me. I know I could ask anything of her. In the same way my mom is Nana to my girls. Just loves them, and while she doesn't let them get away with anything at her house & sometimes they wear her out, she always welcomes them with open arms. My girls are the apple of her eye.

Everyone needs a Nana in their life.

I never realized how the attitudes of members in your family can really shape your perspective of God the Father. We often have a view of God as an "Aunt Biddy"... we dread going to Him to ask things of Him because we feel as if He is frowning on us. Disappointed in us because of (fill in the blank). We feel like we let Him down, so how could we go to Him? We picture Him saying, with a big sigh," Yes, I'll give you grace to deal with your children today.... IF you do better than you did yesterday." I often feel God is disappointed in me because of decisions I've made in my life & parenting. If only I would have...., then maybe..... The truth is, this isn't TRUTH!

God MY Father is not just another member of my family frowning over me because I didn't graduate from college.

In her book Give Them Grace, Elyse Fitzpatrick writes:

The Lord isn't disappointed in you or in your parenting. He's not disappointed in your prayers. He doesn't treat His dear children as "disappointments" whose disobedience and failures take Him by surprise or shock Him. He does not suspend His love until they get their acts back together. He already knows the worst about you (in yourself) and loves and approves of you nonetheless (in Christ). Although your sin does grieve Him (Eph 4:30), he doesn't want you to keep your distance, sitting in a corner wearing a dunce cap until you learn your lessons. He invites you to come boldly in with joy and confidence, knowing that He is eager to embrace you. You, as a sinner who trusts His Son, Jesus, are able to do that because the Son prays and intercedes for you. The Father loves you.

Our prayer times with the Lord need change from visits with Aunt Biddy to family dinners with (Nana).

I love this reminder. I need this reminder.

He is my all loving Father who longs to show me grace. He waits to show me grace (Is 30:18).

Nothing surprises Him.

I do have confidence in my decisions. In where the Lord has brought me, so quickly, from a careless college student to Mommy of three. There is nothing I would change about my life, not even for the approval of all!

I greatly desire so much more for my daughters than the approval of friends, family, or the world. I pray I can show them they only need to gain the approval of One, and that there is only One Way to gain such approval. I pray my life models this conviction... If the Lord is my Father and He leads and guides every decision I make- or Dustin & I make... then what else matters???

The longings of the heart...

I had a "come to Jesus" moment with Gabbi this afternoon. I praise God for times when He shows me what is in my unregenerate children's hearts, although I don't always act in thankfulness.

Today we went to Chik-fil-a with Mom. It was great getting out of the house, even if on a rainy day. The rain and clouds held off the close-to-100 degree weather we were supposed to have, so that was nice. After lunch we went to walk around Target & buy some shoes for Catie-bug who has outgrown every pair of her shoes. No joke, we literally took her into Target bare-footed. Her sandals fit her on Sunday. And Monday I noticed her toes hanging off the ends. Growing girl!

Taking a group full of girls to the shoe section in any store is a sure fire way to reveal a covetousness heart- including my own. So there we are, can you picture it, trying on shoes for Catie as she pulls shoes off the shelf. Every size she grabbed was bigger, so she'd shove it in my face saying "sissy shoe. sissy shoe." All the while, Gabbi dances up and down the shoe isles making sure I'm well aware that she just LOVES this pair... no this pair... no she REALLY loves this pair... aren't they so pretty, Mommy??? ((sigh))

Well, they only had one pair and shoes in Catie's size so that made things slightly easier, and we moved onto the clothing section. We had no need to be in the clothing section really, I only wanted to show Mom the small rack of Minnie Mouse clothes I saw there on a previous trip- Catie loves Minnie :)

All the while Gabbi is asking for everything she sees. Everything. "I want this dress... Can we get this shirt?? Ooo no this one." The thing about it was, it didn't frustrate me. It didn't exasperate me. It only made me sad as I realized... am I any different?? Just because I don't verbalize my wants doesn't mean that the Lord doesn't see the depths of my heart as I walk through the store. I want everything I see. "Lord, I wish we could afford this... and this... Why can't I buy every pair of shoes down the isle? Ah, if only... Then I'd be happy." And what I lie that is!

"Gabbi, honey, we did not come to buy dresses. Catie needs shoes, that's the only reason we came," I explained.

"But I waaaaaaant iiiiiiiiit!!!!!!!" Breaking point. In my flesh, any other day, I would turn my head with the well known, "whose child is this?!?!" expression. But the Lord gave me such grace. He HAS shown me such grace, so I passed it on to Gabbi. I hugged her, and I admit, shed some tears as well. What could I say to her?? I was the exact same way. I prayed for God to show me how to address her.

Gabbi, do you know why you want everything you see? She nodded, "Because of my heart." Yes, honey, your heart is selfish and it's not satisfied. I know because I'm the same way. My heart is selfish and I want everything I see in the store too. But you know what? Jesus can satisfy our hearts and all our desires, and he is the only one who can. You know, honey, if Mommy bought you every pair of shoes you liked and all the pretty dresses in the store. If we took them home and filled your room with everything, you still wouldn't be satisfied because you haven't trusted Jesus to satisfy your heart. I'm the same way honey, but I trust Jesus to satisfy me, and He does. Will this dress make you happy? She nodded. No, honey, no it won't. This dress will not make you happy. You think it will right now because your heart is sinful, but it won't. What is the only thing that can truly make you happy? "Jesus." Yes, Baby, Jesus is the ONLY thing that will truly make you happy. Not this dress. Not all the pretty shoes. Nothing. Nothing will make you truly happy. Only Jesus. So let's ask Him to show you how dissatisfied you are without Him. Let's ask Him to satisfy both of our selfish hearts....

What a moment He gave me. I am so thankful for opportunities to see their sinfulness & point out clear examples of how Jesus can change them. After we prayed and we started to walk away, she did continue to cry.

I am not discouraged. It's only evidence that He has not changed her heart yet. I explained that her, that she was showing me she hadn't trusted Jesus yet. And I asked her over and over, "Will that dress make you happy?... No, only Jesus can make you happy."

I am well aware that my words cannot change her. I know I did not say all the right things, and maybe said some wrong things as far as anyone else is concerned... but it is not about what I say or do that will cause Jesus to change her heart.

In the same way nothing I said or did caused Him to change mine. He chose to out of the depths of His grace & mercy. It is that same grace & mercy I look to, and ask for on behalf of my children... and I wait....

I'm No Chef...

...no matter how hard I try.

This fact was proven yesterday at dinner.

I've never been able to cook beans. Our whole marriage I've tried a handful (or two) of times to cook dried beans. Pinto beans. Lentils. Black beans. Over & over. What happens is it takes at least twice as long as it's supposed to for them to cook for me. Every time I've tried to cook beans, we either eat dinner way late or we just throw something else together & eat what we were supposed to have for dinner, the next day.

Last night was no exception to the rule.

We are striving to eat all whole foods now, so I was determined to make beans work, as they are going to be a major part of our diet.

On the menu for last night was black bean tostadas. I even started dinner 45 minutes before I normally do in an effort to have it done around 6:00 when Dustin would get home. A few minutes before he was supposed to be walking in the door, I checked the black beans... not done. What in the world is going on???

Dustin came in while I was in the kitchen, picked the lid up to look at the beans & asked me about them.
"So what did you do?"

"Well, just as it said. Bring them to a boil & let them simmer for 50minutes.... It's been more like, 90 minutes."

"But you've turned them down, or has it been like this the whole time?"
"Just like that, you know, simmering."
He stuck his finger in the pot, "Babe, this isn't simmering. This is luke warm."

"Huh?"

"Simmering is a low boil."

"Ooohhh... really? I thought it was just--"

"Low?"

Well, uh, yeah... We both got a good laugh at that. Explains the bean problems I've had for the passed 5 years. Wow. Embarrassing.

He told me he wouldn't be sharing that story with anyone... but I'm able to laugh at myself.

Especially since the end result- although an hour late- was absolutely delicious.

Black bean tostadas

Black beans & Mexican brown rice with

Lime cabbage slaw::: raw cabbage & red onions, tossed in olive oil & fresh lime juice, sprinkled with salt & pepper,

on a baked corn tortilla,

Topped with avacado, salsa & sour cream

Another Mommy Moment

This morning Gabbi & Catie are playing "dinner party". Two little wooden chairs pulled up to their "table" (a laundry basket flipped upside down). While they have a perfectly good wooden Little Tikes table just in the next room, the laundry basket seems much more practical in their little minds I suppose. I do think it's cute how they'd rather pretend than use the real thing :)

This dinner party started off pretty, and turned ugly real quick- as most interactive play does these days. I played mediator for several minutes "Gabbi don't grab, just ask" "Catie, don't squeal and fuss, say please" "Catie, that one is Gabbi's right now" "Gabbi, let Catie play with this one" "Love each other. Love is kind." and so on....

Well, there comes a point in every Mommy's life (at least I hope every mommy) when enough is enough. And I just can't mediate all morning when there's heaps of laundry to fold. And my sanity honestly can't handle one more scream from sweet Catie-Bug. And... well... I just collect all the dinner party dishes in my hands and go put them back in the bucket in the bedroom.

In my frustration, sweet Gabbi still knows how to make me smile. She responded not with cries like I would expect from a preschooler, but with a big sigh of relief as she said: "This is helping very much!!"

I had to laugh. Glad she sees things my way!

I do just love my little ones.

I'm gonna miss these days...

You know, those days where all you really want to do is take a shower?

.........and finally you get a moment.

Baby is sleeping.

Big sisters have a snack and are currently being entertained by Sesame Street.

conditions. are. perfect.

GO!

Then with a head full of shampoo, well, errr- baking soda- the door opens and you hear "Mommy. I have to go potty." You peek around the curtain and see your well potty trained-or-so-you-thought 3 1/2 yr old standing there in the hallway in a puddle of pee. You call her into the bathroom to undress & get a towel to go cover her pee while you *try to* finish quickly just as you hear them--- tiny toddler feet running down the hallway and....

Yes.

It happened.

There lies Catie-bug.

In Gabbi's pee.

...and suddenly, your peaceful 10mins alone

are crowded by two others in worse need of bathing.

They get in the shower & you hop out for towels to dry them up, and clothes to get them dressed when you hear the inevitable::: Baby starts crying. So it's a *how fast can I possibly get this done* race to at least get a diaper on Catie & panties on Gabbi.

Ok. Not so bad. No one was hurt or scarred- except maybe Mommy.

Feed Baby.

Get a phone call.

Relay to friend the chaos of the morning.

No sooner do you finish that story, when the 20 month old dumps Big Sister's milk from breakfast all in Baby's car seat.

:::sigh:::

I'm gonna miss these day.

So how has it been adjusting to three? Well, some days (like those listed above) I just gotta laugh to keep from crying.

An extra set of hands would be nice.

And it's amazing how just one more child can make your home seem a thousand times smaller... I find myself daydreaming of a bigger home. Ugh discontentment. I hate it.

Laundry stays piles for days at a time, and the bathroom goes longer than I'd care to admit without being cleaned. My house is a wreck, but it's not *dirty*. My kids are in PJs most of the day, but they're loved.

Yeah my hands may be full.... but so is my heart.

Challenged to Love

We went to friends' house for dinner this evening with all my family. My brother & his wife are in town this weekend- and that's been fun. We were able to get out just the four of us. We had lunch & ran around town while my mom & dad kept the girls. It was nice to hang out like that, it's not often (never, really) that it happens!

On the way home Dustin and I got into a conversation-not long, not in too much depth, but still a good conversation. We were talking about this couple the Lord has placed in our lives, and how God has drastically changed his heart toward the husband.

He said to me: "You know, he still drives me crazy, but the Lord has really given me a love for him... I legitimately consider him a friend." I just thought that was amazing, and told him so. We really give credit completely to God, and how He has the power to change our hearts. I told Dustin how I remember two years ago, honestly, he couldn't stand him. He's just one of those guys that everything about him rubbed Dustin the wrong way... and me too. Same with his wife. Dustin brought that up, saying "Now, (his wife), I'm not so sure of... You know, I don't really know her."

I admitted to how I still struggle with both of them, really. I know God places people in our lives that our difficult to love for a reason. To make us more like him... Because I know I'm difficult to love!! But I just see my husband's heart, how the Lord has changed it completely, and it truly challenges me. It caused me to be honest with myself and him as I said, "You know, the reason I have a hard time with (her) is because she just so different... just kind of weird, and she's just so immature." Saying it out loud was almost embarrassing- even though only Dustin was listening. Before I had a chance to say anything else, he cut in:

"I know it's hard to enter into a relationship knowing you're not going to get anything out of it... at least for a long time. It really challenges our selfishness."

Wow. Praise the Lord I have a husband who oh so gently, but confidently, points out my sin to me. Even though he told me later, he wasn't saying that directed at me, but to himself. I didn't say much, if anything, after that and was pretty quiet the rest of the way home thinking about things.

Do I really only pursue relationships with people when I think I will get something out of it? Even if my motives are good-- I see someone who may be further along than me spiritually, and I want glean from them. Or another mom who has kids older than mine, and I think I can learn things from her. Or someone I notice I have a lot in common with, and I think we'll have a good time together. These are good things.

But when someone is "hard to love"? I know I have absolutely nothing in common with them. They are seemingly less mature than I am. They have a different sense of humor, or different parenting ideas, or they're at a different place spiritually... Do I always shy away because this relationship doesn't seem to have much, if anything, to offer me?

If I'm being honest with myself. With the Lord. With you.... Yes. I do.

How unlike my Savior?!?!

So when I went to bed tonight (or last night, it's 4 in the am right now & I am wide awake), I was talking to Dustin, then praying as I was falling asleep, that I just don't know what this means. What do I do with this conviction? Where do I go from here? What does it look like to love someone or pursue relationship with those who seemingly "don't have anything to offer" me?

I guess -one of the things- I fear about befriending certain people is that they'll end up being "that person" who is calling/ texting you constantly, stop by unannounced, or just seem to not have a comprehension of boundaries... I don't know if that makes sense to some people, or if any of you have ever experienced someone like that... I have in the past. I told Dustin I'm afraid of turning into someone who just can't say "no". He understood, then gently reminded me, "But honey, your problem right now is that you can't say yes." ::sigh:: Then he went on about how sweet the Lord is to pursue me. How He loves me just way too much to leave me like I am... in sin.

.......Don't I just have the greatest husband?

So I asked the Lord to show me what all this looks like in His Word. Then when I woke up in the middle of the night, unable to fall back asleep, I came out here in the living room... and He showed me.

"If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful."

Luke 6:27-36

I know that the context here when Jesus is talking about lending, expecting nothing in return is not referring to relationships, but I still find it appropriate in this case. I mean, He is also speaking about love. I think back to before I knew Christ and then to now, and see this is an area of my life that has remained unchanged. This is definitely an area where I do not look like Christ. Love. I do not love well. And isn't it the greatest commandment? Oh Father, forgive me.

My footnote says: Reciprocity is insufficient, because even sinners practice reciprocity. And "you will be sons" does not mean "you will become sons" but "you will demonstrate that you are sons" by imitating God's care and compassion even for those who are evil.

So to answer my own question: What does it look like to love someone or pursue relationship with those who seemingly "don't have anything to offer" me? ...It looks like Jesus.

If I am only loving those who love me, who offer me something, how does that at all resemble my Father in Heaven- Who loves me & gave Himself for me when I had & still have absolutely nothing to offer Him! It doesn't.

And I say I have these "fears"... but they are really just excuses, let's be honest. If I had any legitimate fears I only need to be reminded that "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear" 1 John 4:18.

So here I am. Praying God will please mold my heart to look like His, praying He will enable me to love. He has shown me what He commands, now I'm waiting upon Him to give me to the ability to do what He commands...

Loneliness: but for a season.

I desire to be transparent & open in my blogs. Transparent, not just for the sake of being transparent, or in any manipulative way for some sort of special attention. But I want to be open with my readers (however few or many in number) about my struggles, my walk with the Lord, and the seasons of my life He is leading me through. I want to encourage people on their unique walks with Christ... and to lay it out there for those who feel led to pray for or encourage me in mine. I also desire to be open because I love having this blog to look back on in the future. I've kept it off and on for four years or more, and it's already been a blessing to see the path God's taken me on. A journal to chronicle His faithfulness... and, Lord willing, to encourage sisters (and brothers?) in Christ.

With all that being said... yesterday was a rough day. Really, it was mostly all me and just a battle in my mind. I was just down & discouraged & frustrated for a number of reasons. The girls had nothing to do with any of it... Gabbi was actually in a great mood all day. Maybe it was the weather. Maybe it was because I didn't get much sleep the night before. Maybe it was because I've been sick. Maybe it was a combination of the three. I can't really say, because I have a "bad day" like that about once a week.

All I can figure is it's the season I'm in right now. It all started back during the summer, God was just doing some huge things in my life. If you haven't read this post from August, you can. Since then, however, I've been... just... lonely. I recognized this loneliness almost immediately, but was absolutely content with it. The Lord drew me closer to Himself -and sort of away from people- to gently point out several things to me. Things I know I otherwise wouldn't hear if some really intimate relationships I had were still just as close. But He hasn't restored intimacy and closeness with some of these old friends... or new ones... or anything. I feel disconnected. I want to add a "side note" here that there was no falling out, no arguments, nothing that would cause dissension between myself or anyone else. Just a... drifting, I guess.

Anyway, over the past several months I've had ups and downs between having my feelings hurt about things and being perfectly happy & content with where I'm at. I've realized things about myself. I'm typically a "pursuer" in a relationship. I usually make phone calls to catch up with people, suggest "hey let's get together", organize things, etc. This is not patting myself on the back, this is just my personality. I'm outgoing. I love people & to socialize. My first year of motherhood, I say I was not a "stay-at-home mom", I was a "non-working mom"--- because Gabbi & I were never actually at home. I'm not proud of that by any means. I do need to be home, and I'm glad I've found balance since then. But I've learned with most (not all) people that if I don't call, we won't talk. And realizing this is where my struggle comes in.

Last night Dustin and I had great talk... for a little while. He encouraged me, prayed for me, then fell asleep. See, I should no better after 4 years of marriage than to begin long, intimate discussions with him when we're lying down in bed. He falls asleep almost as soon as his head hits the pillow... when my head hits the pillow, worlds of thoughts open up. So last night I was doing good to get a little conversation out of him. But he fell asleep when I was still wanting to talk, and I got my feelings hurt.

I laid there. I cried. I prayed. I cried. Some thoughts I had were definite pity party, some legitimate. But as I was praying, I was just confessing and crying out about the loneliness I've been feeling. I thought, even my own husband doesn't want to talk, I even have to be the one pursuing conversation with him! It seems like months since I've had a real, non-surfacey conversation with a sister-in-Christ. It's probably been a year since I've felt true, genuine fellowship with a group of women. Lord, I just want fellowship. I just want someone to pour my heart out to. And I don't want to be the one pursuing it. I want someone to pursue friendship with me............. then I stopped. What do you think I am doing? The Lord answered me so very clearly.

Then, conviction. At first, I loved & cherished the season I was in because I knew God was doing a work in me. I knew He needed to draw me apart & to Himself to do this work in me that only He could do. I knew He wanted me to call to Him, cry to Him (not pick up the phone or drive to a friend's house) when I had something I needed advice about or just wanted to share. I was filled with joy at His drawing me. Content.

Over the months, my thoughts and actions have shown my heart in the matter. I only want the Lord's friendship & comfort until I become dissatisfied. When I say "OK, enough is enough" then I expect other friendships to come in the picture. God just isn't "enough" anymore. Discontentment.

But He's not finished with me... Clearly, there is still so much work to be done. I'm encouraged. I need to be in the Word and having the Spirit daily fill me. I need to continue seeking Him, listening to Him, to hear Him in what He wants to say to me. I need to wait upon Him.

This season has not been all bad- just harder on my weak flesh the longer it has gone on. It has been so good though, so eye opening. And I thank God for He alone is the One who opens my eyes. But Dustin and I have grown closer through this time. He is so sweet. A few months ago I was crying to him about some of these very things, and he looked at me, wiped my tears and said: "But Baby, I am your best friend." And it's true. I think I would have said that at any point in our marriage, "oh yes, of course, my husband is my best friend." But it hasn't been until recently that I've truly believed & felt it. Even still though, I'm prayerfully cautious to not put Dustin in a place in my heart that only the Lord deserves. He is my true Husband. My true Prince. My true Love.

And I long to know Him deeper....

Psalm 25:5 "Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all the day long."

Psalm 63:1 "O God, You are my God; earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You; my flesh faints for You, as in a dry and weary land were there is no water."

Day 5: Photo Challenge

My favorite memory.

Well, this was a really, really hard one! I cannot choose a single one favorite memory. I chose this event in my life- my summer in Kenya (2006)- with Kristin (then, Rickels) Duvall because it is my favorite memory that impacted the rest of my life.

During my time in Kenya, the Lord completely drew me to Himself. I heard Him so clear, so often. I saw Him move so much in my life and in the lives of those around me. Especially still being a "new Christian", I had never seen the things I witnessed in Kenya ever before in my life. It was while I was in Kenya that God burdened my heart even more for missions, and confirmed my desire to be on the field at some point in the future. Seeing the need for the gospel in those areas, the hunger for the Word of God and the love of the Word the believers had impacted me greatly. Of course, all of my 10 weeks there weren't easy & wonderful. I know there were days I questioned why I was there. But the Lord saw me through every single day. Before Kenya, Kristin and I didn't even know each other. It's really hard to believe looking back now, because God just truly knit us together. She truly is my sister, and one of the very best friends I have still today.

Also, while I was in Kenya, Dustin and I were "dating"... before I left, we talked, and he had told me that he saw qualities in me that he wanted in a future wife. While I was gone, I don't know if I've to this day prayed over something so fervently as I did him and our relationship. We had a couple hurdles to overcome that I prayed through... among other things. While I was gone, through so much prayer, God really confirmed for me that he was who I was going to marry. -But I still wasn't totally sure if it was the same for him :)-When I got home, the Lord had just blessed both of our prayers... and we were engaged soon after.

This is all extremely summarized. I could go on much more about the trip, about what the Lord showed me and answered prayers, about mine and Dustin's relationship... but I'll keep it at this for now. If there's more you want to know, maybe it could be talked about over a cup of coffee ;)

Other significant, favorite memories that can't be overlooked:

our engagement: august 31st '06

wedding: january 5th '07

gabbi's birth: october 9th '07

catie's birth: september 1st '09

Another year has gone by... (long post!)

It's ten days into the New Year and I'm just not getting to blogging! We have been pretty busy the passed couple weeks though. Between snow and traveling, it's pretty hard to get back into a routine around here!

Our Christmas was pretty quiet without having any family in from out of town. Christmas Eve after church service Mom and Dad came over for our dinner. The four of us were up at seven the next morning to open presents. It was a blast... Gabbi is really at a fun age where she gets excited about everything. And Catie is at the fun age where she's excited about paper! So everyone enjoyed themselves haha :) After presents we made breakfast, and Mom & Dad came over for breakfast and to open their gifts. Then at lunch time we headed to Dustin's grandparents for the afternoon.

Gabbi's big hit was her doll house (that she for some reason wants to call a tree house...?) from Nana and Poppy.

Although Minnie Mouse wasn't Catie's "favorite" gift, I just couldn't resist putting this picture up. She does love Minnie, but do you notice the little green & white toy in her right hand? That's her very own cell phone that she opened up first... she held it in her hand the rest of the morning, opening all her other gifts with her left hand.

New Year's weekend we traveled to Birmingham to visit my aunt, uncle, and 8-year old cousin. It was a fun, yet sleepless, weekend. My aunt and I took Gracie (my cousin) and Gabbi to see Tangled Friday afternoon. It was Gabbi's first movie at the theater. She loved it... even though I'm not sure it was the greatest idea I've ever had. There were definitely a couple scary/ intense scenes where she clung real tightly to me. That, coupled with the fact that it was a HUGE screen and much louder than what she's used to, are the reasons we think Gabbi ended up with a nightmare that night :( She really did enjoy the movie though. And I think we'll still end up getting the DVD... being able to fast forward the more intense parts is a bonus :)

On January 5th, Dustin and I celebrated 4 whole years of marriage! I can't believe it's been 4 years already. On one hand, we feel like we've reached some kind of milestone... yet compared to so many couples we know who have been married for 8, 9, 10 or more years, it still is such a small amount of time. This passed year though, seems like it's been the best so far.

We heard over and over again the first couple years are the hardest. We were definitely no exception to the rule. With the added fact that our sweet little "honeymoon surprise" came into our life 9 months and 4 days after our wedding, the first couple years of our marriage were spent not only adjusting to each other, but to being parents as well!

But 2010 was a good year. They were all "good" years, we would never undo anything the Lord has done in our lives... but as far as marriage- our relationship- is concerned, it was the best. The Lord is continuously showing us sin (selfishness mainly), molding us to His likeness, and all the while bringing us closer together. I'm so thankful for His grace in our lives. That He gave me a man who loves Him and desires His glory above all else in our lives. I never want to take that for granted... because I know not all women have that. Dustin read this passed week and shared with me, "Marriage is the union of two forgivers"... we will definitely testify to that!

As we enter into 2011 and our 5th year of marriage, there are going to be some changes in our life! Dustin is starting (back to) school... one of the things I couldn't yet mention a few posts ago, but am so excited to share now. He has about 2 1/2 years left to finish his bachelor's, then Lord willing, we'll follow that up with seminary. I'm so excited to see this desire we've had since before we were married (and that he's had since before we met!) starting to come into the works. He's *almost* gone back to school a handful of times these passed few years, just seems to never have been the Lord's timing.

Also 2011 will bring the addition of our 3rd baby girl! I praise the Lord our Charity Ruth has not made her entrance yet. I'm so thankful she's still healthy, and my contractions have really slowed down the passed couple weeks. I also took the fetal fibronectin test on Friday, which came back negative. Meaning, 99% chance I won't be going into labor in the next few weeks. I am very anxious to meet this newest blessing... to see what (and who) she is going to look like, to begin truly bonding with her, to count her little fingers and toes, to see what he big sisters are going to think of her... I just don't want to meet her before 36 weeks :)

In 2011 I will become an aunt! My brother and sister-in-law are expecting their first baby the beginning of June. Next week we'll all find out if Dustin and I will have a *niece* or *nephew*. I'll go ahead and share that I'm predicting *niece* because I'm okay with being wrong ;o)

I'm so excited about all the Lord is going to do in our lives this year. I pray that my excitement will not wish the year away, waiting for the next big "event"... but that I will continue to seek Him daily... as it is daily that I need His grace...

Jesus is the reason... so then what?

I am in disbelief that Christmas is two days away! This week has been busy- finishing up gift shopping & grocery shopping... not great on the "staying off my feet" orders for the doctor, but what is a Mommy to do?!

I went to see my doctor again Tuesday. It was a good visit, and gave me peace of mind after having a lot of contractions last weekend. Still no change and Charity is still growing so well with a strong heartbeat! But she wants me to be back in two weeks to do a fetal fibronectin test to tell whether I am likely to go into preterm labor. I'm thankful we have such a thorough doctor, whose concerns are the same as mine! What a night & day difference from the doctor we had with Gabbi.

Anyway, here I sit, one baby sleeping & the other running a couple errands with her Daddy. Dustin showed up at 1:00 this afternoon, a surprise to me & the girls! He said hardly anyone was at work today and he found himself just chatting and visiting with everyone at the office, so he thought he may as well come home :) And he's off until Jan 3rd! What a blessing to have him home with us!

I should probably be laying down or napping right now since the house is unusually quiet, but I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind that have been leaving me blank the past several days. Then I read today's post on the True Woman blog, and it left me even more confused. Celebrating Christmas in an unbelieving home my whole life (even though we would have said we were believers), Jesus was the afterthought of Christmas. Or, yes He was the "reason" for the season... so thank You, Jesus for being born so we can eat good food and have lots of presents. I don't know how my parents afforded to give us so much for Christmas, but we were spoiled. My mom and dad never did the whole "Santa" thing real big, but we weren't missing him with all the stuff we got. I did love those times as a kid, being with all my family. I do have good memories, but they simply don't include Christ.

When we came to know Christ, however, it all shifted... as it should have. And now every year I know Him, He reveals to me more and more what all happened that night He was born. How truly amazing it is. How unbelievable that my High King would humble Himself to the point of becoming a human... and even "less" than merely human... a baby! Who would cry, and hunger, and need His nose wiped, His bottom wiped, be utterly dependent on a young, teenage girl... What humility! He was fully human (without ceasing to be fully God). He did this because there was no other way we could be with Him. Yet He wanted us with Him.... me... He wanted me to be His, so He came. Wow. Hallelujah! He's shown me that, and so much more.

Dustin and I, we want our children to grow knowing the so much more part of Christmas. The part of Christmas that is greater than any Doll house or Princess nightgown they could unwrap. But how??? That is my question... how???

When we were married, especially after Gabbi was born, we decided we weren't going to do Santa. While I think there is absolutely no benefit- and not only no benefit, we believe it takes away from Christ- I'm not going to go on and on about how terrible you are if you do Santa with your kids. Because you're not. I just ask you to consider where we are coming from.

We just decided- besides the fact that it's lying- there is no gospel in "Santa Claus". There are too many similarities between God and "Santa"- they both are omniscient, all knowing & omnipresent. They both know when you're good and bad, but want you to be good, etc. Despite all their similarities, they are very different on the most important thing... If you are good for "Santa" he rewards you with all these presents! But if you are bad, you get nothing- or coal- or (as is the case in most homes, I'm sure) you still get stuff without consequences... That is so unlike our God. No one is deserving of the gifts we get. We could never be good enough for God, yet He bestows His blessings on us because of His grace... and there are consequences for sin. That is why Jesus had to come in the first place! Aside from this one major issue, there were a couple "smaller" reasons... We were also troubled with the idea that our kids' whole childhood we would say "Santa is real. God is real. Santa sees you when you're sleeping. God sees you when you're sleeping. Santa sees everything you do. God sees everything you do." Then one day our child finds out the truth about Santa, and they come to us and say "...so what about God??" Finally, we believe it takes away the glory God deserves for His provision. The kids wake up bright and early Christmas morning, ready to open all the presents, there's so much excitement, and when all the gifts are opened they shout what? "Thank you... Santa???" When the Lord is truly the one deserving the thanks and praise for what He has allowed us to get.

Ok, so we don't do Santa... we know that's not going to the one answer for having our children understand the "so much more". Dustin and I also have talked in the past about the amount of stuff we get our children. Since we don't want presents to be the driving focus of the holiday, we decided that our children will get three gifts from us. Jesus got three gifts, they'll get three gifts. Well, that's from us... then there are aunts, uncles, grandparents, great-grandparents, friends, so on and so on... they still get them stuff. And we're not so stick-in-the-mud that we're going to say "please, don't get our kids gifts" (not that you're a stick-in-the-mud if that's what you do!). I love giving gifts! I love picking out something I just know someone is going to love- especially my daughters- and the anticipation of seeing their face when they open it. I'm not going to take that away from someone. And let's face it, little girls are FUN to shop for. This is the first year where Gabbi really knows what's going on. Which makes it fun. It also makes it all the more troubling. Everyday she's asked me "is it Jesus's birthday yet??" (because I told her we'll open presents on Jesus's bday). She thinks every present I wrap is for her. I've even had to re-tape a gift or two because of her anxiousness. It's cute. Yes. So sweet. Yes... but how do I make her really understand? I know at 3, she's only going to understand so much. But as they grow, how do I make them understand it's not about the gifts that will one day perish, the gifts that will still leave you empty no matter how much you get... it's about The Gift??

We started doing Advent candles this year, with little Gabbi-sized devotions. I'm loving it. It's truly been some of my favorite times as a family so far. Gabbi listens as her Daddy reads from the bible and the Jesus Storybook Bible. She talks about it. She does get that Jesus was born, and we open gifts on His birthday. I just want it to be so much more than the presents. I want our children to truly cherish the time with our family, to cherish Christ & His coming... over gifts. I'm sure every Christian mom wants that. I just am at a loss on how to get there. Part of me thinks it won't really happen until they know Christ. Part of me says, they're kids & kids will always be excited about presents. True. I just think there is a balance somewhere. I'm welcome to (and actually asking for) everyone's thoughts on the subject.

Baby News & My Amazing Hubby

He is absolutely amazing.

The weird thing about marriage, is when you are dating/ engaged/ newly married there is so much emotion involved that you don't think you could love them anymore than you do right then. Which, if you are taught correctly, you are aware those emotions will fade. True. Very true. In almost 4 years of marriage, I can state that as fact. I was prepared for it. But what I wasn't prepared for, something I don't think anyone could prepare me for or even describe, is the love that replaces those emotions. A love that can only grow over handfuls of arguments, long late-night pillow conversations, children, several different homes, tears, laughter... Everything that makes up a marriage.

After seeing his huge grin last night when he felt Charity (yes, Baby has a name now!) kick for the first time, I just looked at him and said "I love you... more and more... I just never thought that possible."

But isn't that what it should be like? If our marriage is supposed to represent Christ and the Church? The more I learn about my husband- the man God has made him and is growing him to be-- the more I love him. Just like the Lord. The more I learn about Him and know Him, the more time I spend with Him and the more He shows me who He is-- the more I love Him.

We went to the Doctor yesterday... finally... after he'd been wanting me to call for 2 weeks.

Two weeks ago, while singing during the Missions Conference at church I started cramping, real painful cramps. But there were no other symptoms of anything being wrong, and eventually while sitting during the sermon, they went away. Since then, every other day or so (sometimes more frequently) I've felt the same cramping, sometimes not as painful, but it feels just like contractions. I told Dustin, and he immediately wanted me to call me doctor. Because I was just 18 weeks, I was just thinking "there's no way I could really be contracting?" But one night a few days ago I felt the same cramps when I was lying on my back in bed. When I put my hand on my stomach my whole lower abdomen was hardened. So finally last Friday or Saturday I told him I'd call first thing Monday.

We went, and although I'm thankfully not starting to dilate this soon, my doctor was still concerned. She said if I start dilating I'll definitely be put on bed rest. For now though, I'm on "modified" bed rest. No lifting my babies, no lifting anything really, no strenuous housework, being off my feet as much as possible. Of course, I'm going to rest as much as I can... but seriously, how much can you rest at home with a 3 and 1 year old?
Well, my sweet husband didn't even blink when my doctor looked at him and said "This means you will have to do a lot more around the house for her!" So last night I didn't even get off the couch to get a drink of water. (Even though I don't think it would hurt me to do that.) When I had to get up to go to the bathroom, he said "Wish I could to that for you too!" :) He knows what it will mean the next several weeks. Even though I still want to help out and do some things, he's pretty much against me doing anything that's not necessary.
He just so wonderful. Despite whatever "differences" we've had to work through, and still do, we're both learning and growing. He's such a good daddy & loving husband. He loves both his little girls so much. Where some husbands would probably show some "disappointment" with a third girl on the way, he just can't wait. I am so thankful to God for him. The Lord knew just what I needed in a husband and chose Dustin for me... to journey along with me and help me grow in so many ways.

Random Ramblings

I've been meaning to update this blog for a while now. I guess I'm not the best at keeping a blog. I don't know why? ...Perhaps it's having two kids, a home to manage, 4 mouths to feed, and being pregnant... I know some moms have much more on their plates than I do, and still manage to keep a blog. It's my desire, yes... hopefully one day.

I didn't come here knowing what I was going to write about, just wanting to write.

I am now 18 weeks pregnant with our third daughter. We are very excited about having 3 little girls ages 3 and under come April! Life will be crazy and busy... but life will be so sweet.

My prayer and heart's desire is for them to grow to be such sweet friends. I feel quite inadequate to be the mother of two daughters, let alone, three! To teach them about the Lord, and train them to be godly women. I have so much to learn myself about being a godly woman... I myself have so many shortcomings and fail over and over again as a wife and mother. How to teach them??? Oh, but the Lord's grace is there. Over every aspect of my life and motherhood. I'm so grateful for Him and trust He will continue to teach me and grow me in the year's to come.

I love this time of year. My favorite time passed a few weeks ago, the peak of fall, but I still love the end of the year... I sit now and I can see leaves blowing all around out the window. A few have come up and hit my back door making some quiet noise. I love it! I love the bare trees, the cool wind, the anticipation of feasting with family, the anticipation of what the Lord will do in the spring.... doing what He is an expert at... making everything new, and bright, and beautiful.

There is just so much anticipation about this time of year. Especially now being pregnant. With the last two I was pregnant in the summer, so it's all new being pregnant over the winter.

A lot of people hate the winter. I usually am one of those people. However, a few months ago God convicted me of complaining about the weather. Truly, if I am to be thankful for all things, if I am one of God's children, if I believe God is sovereign over creation (including the weather), then who I am to complain about it? If I am complaining about the weather, then really I'm just complaining about God's decision.... this thought process goes so much farther than just the weather. But I have a tendency to complain... about lots of things... but I'll complain about the heat, or the cold, or how long it's taking for the cold to go away and the heat to come or vice versa. This year, I've done a lot better. Like right now it's in the 70s here in Knoxville and Thanksgiving is on Thursday. Seriously, a little unbelievable. But I will accept it, and accept this warm weather as long as it holds out. And pray that when the cold of winter comes, the Lord will gently remind me to bite my tongue and be thankful. I pray this mindset will make it's way to many avenues of my life.

This passed fall God has done so much in mine and Dustin's life. In our marriage. In showing us and confirming for us His plan for us. Right now isn't exactly the time to share everything, but I truly cannot wait to pour it all out on this blog. For now, I can say that Dustin is planning/ praying to go to West Africa in March. He and I both went in Dec of 2008, and He has wanted to go again ever since. He and I both have a God-given love and burden for the Muslims in Africa, so I am very excited to see Dustin's desire to go back again coming to pass. We are just praying for the financial aspect of that trip... A definite need.

I just ask that if you pray for us, you would continue to do so, asking the Lord to continue to draw us, and continue to guide us in all the decisions we make for this growing family. Thank you :)

So glad to be back in the blogging world!

Doing Some Weeding

Last weekend I got out somewhat early to beat the heat and pull some weeds in my flower beds. It's interesting because right after doing all the initial work and hard labor in them, I was disciplined about picking every weed the moment I saw it barely shoot up through the mulch. Everyday pretty much, when I would walk past the flower beds I would pull up two or three weeds. After some time went by, I was less disciplined in checking on the weeds. Then out of what seems like nowhere, two weeks ago I looked at the flower beds and there were these huge bushes of weeds! Some as big as my smaller flowers! What had happened? I never really noticed them growing, it seemed just as if overnight they appeared. I know that's not physically possible, but it was caused by my neglect.

The next few days whenever I would walk up to my front door I would notice the weeds, then just shake my head and keep walking. I did not feel like dealing with those weeds. They're so big, and I'm tired, and it would just take too long in the heat. I knew I needed to, I knew in all honesty it would be so irresponsible and such a waste of all the time I spent planting my flowers a couple months ago if I would let the weeds overtake. The longer I let them go, the harder it would be to get them up.

So last Saturday morning after breakfast I got up, got dressed and headed outside... lethargically... complaining... thinking of all the things I could be doing instead of pulling the weeds.... then when I was about halfway done, I realized "ok, this really isn't that bad."

Even though it wasn't exactly what I wanted to be doing, I kind of enjoyed cleaning up the flower beds. And the end result was just great!

As I was working, the Lord showed me how true this scenario is in my own life. Searching out and pulling the weeds in my heart is not fun. It's a pain, and oftentimes I wan to put off dealing with sin. Even though, deep down I know as a child of God I can't put it off for long. Everyday time in the word and prayer is crucial in our walk with God. I need to be constantly examining my heart, allowing to the Lord to point out sin in my life that needs to be put away. It's hard work, but the end result is worth it! Just to sit and meditate on the grace & mercy He shows to His children!

I was reminded of another "garden analogy", something I read a couple years ago called Pruned to Bloom by P. Bunny Wilson. She said,

"Pruning is one of the most important tasks in growing a vineyard. Every year, up to 90% of the vine is cut away. A wise gardener knows that pruning positively affects the quantity and quality of the fruit... We usually find ourselves in one of three places: We have just been pruned, we are growing back from after a pruning, or we are in full bloom."

Jesus said, "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." (John 15:1-2)

Is the Lord doing any weeding or pruning in your life? Rejoice that "He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." (Phil 1:6)

Haven't been myself these days...

But I think I'm back now.

Since my previous post, the Lord has really been working in my heart and life. Teaching me, drawing me, pruning me. He is so good.

You see, I didn't truly come to know Christ and His saving grace until about 5 years ago. I wasn't raised in a Christian home (although my parents did the best they knew and now, praise God, both of them and my brother are believers). I knew about God and Jesus and we on again/ off again went to church... but we weren't taught GRACE. We didn't know that we could- and should- study the Word for ourselves. We believed "no one could EVER have assurance of salvation" and if you said you knew for a fact that you would go to Heaven when you died, you were either full of pride or a heretic. Our salvation was based upon our own merit. A checklist of good works, church attendance, and "putting God first in our lives". I always would have said we did put God first, but looking back now I truly had no idea what that even meant! Today, even as His child, I continue to fall short of putting Him first in my life!!!

WORK! WORK! WORK! and NO GRACE!!!

My flesh still has a tendency to fall back to those habits even today. That's where I've been, for a couple months I think. It's not like I just wake up and say to myself, "I'll try to earn my salvation today." Just a few weeks ago, maybe I month or more, I don't really know... I began to feel SO terribly overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted. As if I was drowning and fighting with all my strength just to keep my head above water. Why?! Over several days time the Lord started revealing to me the source of my frustration and anxiety:

I feel more accepted by God when my house is clean. When it's messy, I feel as if He's frowning on me.

Whenever I open my Bible, it wasn't because I wanted to know Christ. I was checking it off my list of things to do to be accepted by God.

If Gabbi watched more than a certain amount of TV, I felt like a horrible mom which led to feeling less accepted by God.

If Gabbi is having a hard day obeying (which, on another note, she has had a "hard time obeying" for over 2 weeks now), it was because I failed in some way. As if it is all up to us to make her heart obedient. Therefore, feeling less accepted by God.

This all may sound so crazy to anyone else, but they truly are thoughts that I believed in my mind!

I couldn't pray, because after all, I "didn't deserve" to go before the presence of Almighty God. The prayers I did mutter were something like, "LORD, help me!" "Father what's wrong with me?" "Deliver me from whatever this is!" I didn't open my Bible because I felt like He wouldn't speak to me. Opening the Word just made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't worship. I mean, will still went to service, but I felt as if there was this wall above me and the praises I would sing would just hit the wall.

Oh but, "It is for freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery"(Gal 5:1)!

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing: it is a gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand..." (Eph 2:8-10, emphasis mine)

If my salvation were because of my works, then I would get the glory, not God. The good works a Christian does flows from a heart of gratitude toward God for what has already been done. We work BECAUSE OF our salvation, not FOR our salvation.

Pastor, in his message two Sundays ago on prayer, said something that convicted me so greatly of my self-righteousness. See, I would never have said that I was being self-righteous, because my problem was that I was "just not righteous at all". But Pastor talked about the person who kept falling short and falling short, and was just so torn up over their sin that when they went to pray, they would just have to stop because they "couldn't go before the Lord". "That's me!" I thought. "That's pride and going to God based on your own merit!" Pastor said.

Oooohh... wow. He gave to opposite illustration as well, which I know I've done too. Self-righteousness. I have no merit!!! I am righteous because of Christ and only because of Christ! I'm accepted IN THE BELOVED.

Of course I do not "deserve" to go before God in prayer, I never have deserved to. That's what grace is! Unmerited favor. Bestowing something upon us that we do not deserve. I go before God based on what Christ has done, and because I am Christ's and He is mine.

Being in Romans 8 the passed few weeks has also helped me so much.

"There is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do." Rom 8:1-3

I am free from the law of sin, which wants me to continue to attempt to earn and work for my salvation and acceptance. I can never be good enough. But Christ was and IS.

"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry 'Abba! Father!" Rom 8:15

An adoption can NEVER be undone. This is why I can have the full assurance that I cannot lose my salvation.

Pastor believes Romans Chapter 8 to be the greatest chapter in all the Bible. It begins with no condemnation and ends with no separation. I can't say I disagree with him yet.

On Sunday morning for the first time in, honestly, I don't even know how long, I felt free to worship. I was going before God in worship not because I deserved to praise Him but because HE deserves my praise! I left Sunday morning, anxious to return to worship and hear the Word being taught Sunday evening. I haven't been excited to go back to Church like that in the same amount of time.

The Lord is so sweet. Reminding me that it's not all about me.

My house is currently a mess, lunch leftovers still remain on the table and a basket of folded laundry is at my feet, not yet having made it to their "homes" in our bedrooms. The rug needs to be vacuumed, the dining area swept for the 3rd time today, and I still need to clean the bathroom before my parents get in tonight. But you know, this overwhelming peace surrounds me. The Lord is smiling at me, He sings over me- loudly (Zeph 3:17). There is no condemnation FOR ME.

I opened my Bible on Monday... because I wanted to sit and know Him more. Know His character, know His love for me.

I started in Ephesians 1. Who I am in Christ.

"...even as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him..." (Eph 1:4)
And this was the note for that verse: God's initiative in redeeming the believer from sin and death was not an arbitrary or whimsical decision but something God had planned all along "in Christ". Since God chose his people in his love, they can take no credit for their salvation. God was determined to have them as his own.

If you are in Christ, coming to God in repentance from your sin, your self righteousness, accepting that you can no longer work to earn your salvation, not coming to Him with your list of "I did these and didn't do those" but only because of Christ's death on the cross that satisfies the wrath of God- the payment of death that YOU (and I) deserve. Trusting that God has fully accepted that sacrifice. Then you are His... and God was DETERMINED to have YOU as His own.

Can I please get a Hallelujah?