The old is gone, the new has come!

I am not even going to touch on my failure to blog the past couple months. Why? Because it's a new year & beating up on myself about my failures is one thing I'm committing to *quit* in 2012. A resolution, if you will.

My thought on New Year's Resolutions? I welcome them. I love the idea of a fresh start... I love the newness of opening a calender- or turning the page over- and seeing the blankness that lies before my eyes. A new year. A mystery that causes a smile to spread across my face. What will it hold?? Although many resolutions flop after a couple months (or more accurately for me, a couple weeks)... it's okay. Isn't that just another opportunity to look to Christ? Doesn't the same thing happen when we try to earn our righteousness? It's a flop. You can't do it. This new year, I'm striving to cling ever more so closely to my Savior, my righteousness.

My resolution? To grow. I just want to grow.

I would be lying if I were to tell you 2011 wasn't the hardest year of my life thus far. There were more changes in my life than I was ready for, which equal more challenges in my life than I was ready for. More deaths in my family than I could have imagined. More spiritual battles than I asked for. All resulting in some serious emotional battles. Jesus has definitely been walking me through a valley. And although He hasn't left my side, that hasn't made it easy.

I'm stepping into a new year with the promises that His mercies are new. If they are new every morning, that's got to mean they're new every year as well, right? I'm longing for & praying for an outpouring of His mercy and grace in my life in 2012. I want to grow... all the struggles I've been through in the past year are Him putting me through the refiner's fire. He's been pruning me. While pruning is such a painful experience, it's necessary for new growth!

I want to grow in my relationship with my Savior... which will pour over in my relationship with my husband and daughters. I want to grow as a wife, as a mom & homemaker. I want to grow in forgiveness. If it's one thing I've learned this past year, it's that I hold onto things for way too long. I don't forgive as my Christ has forgiven me. I want to lay that down at His feet & grow in that. I want to grow in my love for & service to others. To love like Christ loved & serve as He served. I want to grow in knowledge, to learn... we're never done learning. I want to read more- the Word, fiction, nonfiction. I'd love to become a part of book club. Any suggestions on that would be appreciated! I want to grow in fitness. I've posted before that I love to run, and "in another life" I was a runner. I want to take this up again, and begin working out again. I just want to be healthy- spiritually & physically. I want to grow in thankfulness... instead of sitting back & dwelling on the things that are hard & painful, I want to receive those things with a heart of thanksgiving- knowing that all things my God allows for my good.

This desire, this resolution, is nothing if I attempt to work it out in my own strength. In all things I want to be seeking God's glory & His power through to work through me. I wanted to post about it because it's been on my heart, because I want my readers- however few and far between- to know I haven't given up on this blog, and I want some accountability!

Anyone else want to share their resolutions? Anyone want to grow with me?

Waiting on Autumn...

I love this time of year.

I do love autumn, it just barely beats Spring for my favorite season.

Right now, I'm lying on the couch and our windows are open. A breeze gently blows and the curtains dance. Anytime of year where the windows can be open is good... but there's something about the bringing in of Fall that just makes my heart happy.

Maybe because I was kinda a nerd & loved school growing up...

Maybe it's because during this time 5 years ago I was newly engaged and starting to plan a wedding. Engagement pictures were made, and I was just floating on Cloud9...

Maybe it's because two of my three babies were born this time of year & there is just nothing in the world like a newborn filling your home with joy...

Maybe it's because my family loves football, and I have countless great memories from my childhood that revolve around "football season".

Regardless of what it is, there is something about the changing seasons that I love. That make me meditate on the faithfulness of the Lord. His timing his perfect, right down to the changing seasons. The seasons are constant... we always know Fall follows Summer, Winter follows Fall, then comes Spring, and Summer follows Spring... we never question it. In the same way the Lord is constant, His ways are constant, His faithfulness is forever. He commands the seasons to change, and the seasons show the character of God. Consistent. In every way the seasons show His mercy.

Summer is so hot & at times unbearable, the cool breathe of autumn is what we all wait for & we receive it with thanksgiving.

Winter is chilled, and with it comes the sleeping of plants, the longer nights... but it gives way to the warmth & life of spring.

It's cloudy now & I even love that. It's as if time is standing still... and we are all waiting. Waiting on Autumn, when we will all take a big, deep sigh of relief... Ah, summer is over. Fall is here. We'll put on jackets, we'll go on hikes, we'll pick pumpkins, and then as if it couldn't get any better, we will feast. There is so much to celebrate about Autumn. So much to celebrate about our great God.

LET US COME INTO HIS PRESENCE WITH THANKSGIVING;

LET US MAKE A JOYFUL NOISE TO HIM WITH SONGS OF PRAISE!

Psalm 95:2

The longings of the heart...

I had a "come to Jesus" moment with Gabbi this afternoon. I praise God for times when He shows me what is in my unregenerate children's hearts, although I don't always act in thankfulness.

Today we went to Chik-fil-a with Mom. It was great getting out of the house, even if on a rainy day. The rain and clouds held off the close-to-100 degree weather we were supposed to have, so that was nice. After lunch we went to walk around Target & buy some shoes for Catie-bug who has outgrown every pair of her shoes. No joke, we literally took her into Target bare-footed. Her sandals fit her on Sunday. And Monday I noticed her toes hanging off the ends. Growing girl!

Taking a group full of girls to the shoe section in any store is a sure fire way to reveal a covetousness heart- including my own. So there we are, can you picture it, trying on shoes for Catie as she pulls shoes off the shelf. Every size she grabbed was bigger, so she'd shove it in my face saying "sissy shoe. sissy shoe." All the while, Gabbi dances up and down the shoe isles making sure I'm well aware that she just LOVES this pair... no this pair... no she REALLY loves this pair... aren't they so pretty, Mommy??? ((sigh))

Well, they only had one pair and shoes in Catie's size so that made things slightly easier, and we moved onto the clothing section. We had no need to be in the clothing section really, I only wanted to show Mom the small rack of Minnie Mouse clothes I saw there on a previous trip- Catie loves Minnie :)

All the while Gabbi is asking for everything she sees. Everything. "I want this dress... Can we get this shirt?? Ooo no this one." The thing about it was, it didn't frustrate me. It didn't exasperate me. It only made me sad as I realized... am I any different?? Just because I don't verbalize my wants doesn't mean that the Lord doesn't see the depths of my heart as I walk through the store. I want everything I see. "Lord, I wish we could afford this... and this... Why can't I buy every pair of shoes down the isle? Ah, if only... Then I'd be happy." And what I lie that is!

"Gabbi, honey, we did not come to buy dresses. Catie needs shoes, that's the only reason we came," I explained.

"But I waaaaaaant iiiiiiiiit!!!!!!!" Breaking point. In my flesh, any other day, I would turn my head with the well known, "whose child is this?!?!" expression. But the Lord gave me such grace. He HAS shown me such grace, so I passed it on to Gabbi. I hugged her, and I admit, shed some tears as well. What could I say to her?? I was the exact same way. I prayed for God to show me how to address her.

Gabbi, do you know why you want everything you see? She nodded, "Because of my heart." Yes, honey, your heart is selfish and it's not satisfied. I know because I'm the same way. My heart is selfish and I want everything I see in the store too. But you know what? Jesus can satisfy our hearts and all our desires, and he is the only one who can. You know, honey, if Mommy bought you every pair of shoes you liked and all the pretty dresses in the store. If we took them home and filled your room with everything, you still wouldn't be satisfied because you haven't trusted Jesus to satisfy your heart. I'm the same way honey, but I trust Jesus to satisfy me, and He does. Will this dress make you happy? She nodded. No, honey, no it won't. This dress will not make you happy. You think it will right now because your heart is sinful, but it won't. What is the only thing that can truly make you happy? "Jesus." Yes, Baby, Jesus is the ONLY thing that will truly make you happy. Not this dress. Not all the pretty shoes. Nothing. Nothing will make you truly happy. Only Jesus. So let's ask Him to show you how dissatisfied you are without Him. Let's ask Him to satisfy both of our selfish hearts....

What a moment He gave me. I am so thankful for opportunities to see their sinfulness & point out clear examples of how Jesus can change them. After we prayed and we started to walk away, she did continue to cry.

I am not discouraged. It's only evidence that He has not changed her heart yet. I explained that her, that she was showing me she hadn't trusted Jesus yet. And I asked her over and over, "Will that dress make you happy?... No, only Jesus can make you happy."

I am well aware that my words cannot change her. I know I did not say all the right things, and maybe said some wrong things as far as anyone else is concerned... but it is not about what I say or do that will cause Jesus to change her heart.

In the same way nothing I said or did caused Him to change mine. He chose to out of the depths of His grace & mercy. It is that same grace & mercy I look to, and ask for on behalf of my children... and I wait....

Day 10

Person I've done the most *adventurous* things with.

The challenge actually said "messed up" things, but I'm not gonna go there. Another friend I saw put "adventurous" and I definitely like that better... I'm also going with "people" instead of one person:)

Derek & Kristin

Ok, let's face it, I'm not quite as adventurous as I'd like to be. It's not that I'm scared, or don't like the outdoors... Dustin & I absolutely love being outdoors. We love hiking, biking, camping, being on the lake- all those things. It's just that we don't do it so often. I guess just the planning aspect of it... We definitely would more often, and every year since we've been married we've gotten out a little bit more. But it's safe to say that almost every time we've done something, Derek & Kristin are the friends we do it with.

Mine and Kristin's friendship began an adventure on the other side of the world. We've walked through bush & villages, slept on top of a land rover, and had near-death road experiences in Kenya. (OK, maybe "near-death" is exaggerating, but it was quite terrifying) With Kristin & Derek we've camped, hiked, gone boating & tubing at the lake. We've had all-night games of monopoly, snuck into hotel swimming pools (something we were later convicted about, and wouldn't do again :-/), and always have a blast.

It's not always fun and games, as Derek & Kristin are probably the friends we've confided in the most since even before we were all married. We've shared our hearts, our struggles, our joys throughout marriage. With them we've laughed, prayed, & cried.

We are so thankful to God for the friendship He's given us through our brother & sister in Christ. They've been such an encouragement to us on our journey, and their friendship has truly pointed us more toward our Savior.

Baby News & My Amazing Hubby

He is absolutely amazing.

The weird thing about marriage, is when you are dating/ engaged/ newly married there is so much emotion involved that you don't think you could love them anymore than you do right then. Which, if you are taught correctly, you are aware those emotions will fade. True. Very true. In almost 4 years of marriage, I can state that as fact. I was prepared for it. But what I wasn't prepared for, something I don't think anyone could prepare me for or even describe, is the love that replaces those emotions. A love that can only grow over handfuls of arguments, long late-night pillow conversations, children, several different homes, tears, laughter... Everything that makes up a marriage.

After seeing his huge grin last night when he felt Charity (yes, Baby has a name now!) kick for the first time, I just looked at him and said "I love you... more and more... I just never thought that possible."

But isn't that what it should be like? If our marriage is supposed to represent Christ and the Church? The more I learn about my husband- the man God has made him and is growing him to be-- the more I love him. Just like the Lord. The more I learn about Him and know Him, the more time I spend with Him and the more He shows me who He is-- the more I love Him.

We went to the Doctor yesterday... finally... after he'd been wanting me to call for 2 weeks.

Two weeks ago, while singing during the Missions Conference at church I started cramping, real painful cramps. But there were no other symptoms of anything being wrong, and eventually while sitting during the sermon, they went away. Since then, every other day or so (sometimes more frequently) I've felt the same cramping, sometimes not as painful, but it feels just like contractions. I told Dustin, and he immediately wanted me to call me doctor. Because I was just 18 weeks, I was just thinking "there's no way I could really be contracting?" But one night a few days ago I felt the same cramps when I was lying on my back in bed. When I put my hand on my stomach my whole lower abdomen was hardened. So finally last Friday or Saturday I told him I'd call first thing Monday.

We went, and although I'm thankfully not starting to dilate this soon, my doctor was still concerned. She said if I start dilating I'll definitely be put on bed rest. For now though, I'm on "modified" bed rest. No lifting my babies, no lifting anything really, no strenuous housework, being off my feet as much as possible. Of course, I'm going to rest as much as I can... but seriously, how much can you rest at home with a 3 and 1 year old?
Well, my sweet husband didn't even blink when my doctor looked at him and said "This means you will have to do a lot more around the house for her!" So last night I didn't even get off the couch to get a drink of water. (Even though I don't think it would hurt me to do that.) When I had to get up to go to the bathroom, he said "Wish I could to that for you too!" :) He knows what it will mean the next several weeks. Even though I still want to help out and do some things, he's pretty much against me doing anything that's not necessary.
He just so wonderful. Despite whatever "differences" we've had to work through, and still do, we're both learning and growing. He's such a good daddy & loving husband. He loves both his little girls so much. Where some husbands would probably show some "disappointment" with a third girl on the way, he just can't wait. I am so thankful to God for him. The Lord knew just what I needed in a husband and chose Dustin for me... to journey along with me and help me grow in so many ways.

Random Ramblings

I've been meaning to update this blog for a while now. I guess I'm not the best at keeping a blog. I don't know why? ...Perhaps it's having two kids, a home to manage, 4 mouths to feed, and being pregnant... I know some moms have much more on their plates than I do, and still manage to keep a blog. It's my desire, yes... hopefully one day.

I didn't come here knowing what I was going to write about, just wanting to write.

I am now 18 weeks pregnant with our third daughter. We are very excited about having 3 little girls ages 3 and under come April! Life will be crazy and busy... but life will be so sweet.

My prayer and heart's desire is for them to grow to be such sweet friends. I feel quite inadequate to be the mother of two daughters, let alone, three! To teach them about the Lord, and train them to be godly women. I have so much to learn myself about being a godly woman... I myself have so many shortcomings and fail over and over again as a wife and mother. How to teach them??? Oh, but the Lord's grace is there. Over every aspect of my life and motherhood. I'm so grateful for Him and trust He will continue to teach me and grow me in the year's to come.

I love this time of year. My favorite time passed a few weeks ago, the peak of fall, but I still love the end of the year... I sit now and I can see leaves blowing all around out the window. A few have come up and hit my back door making some quiet noise. I love it! I love the bare trees, the cool wind, the anticipation of feasting with family, the anticipation of what the Lord will do in the spring.... doing what He is an expert at... making everything new, and bright, and beautiful.

There is just so much anticipation about this time of year. Especially now being pregnant. With the last two I was pregnant in the summer, so it's all new being pregnant over the winter.

A lot of people hate the winter. I usually am one of those people. However, a few months ago God convicted me of complaining about the weather. Truly, if I am to be thankful for all things, if I am one of God's children, if I believe God is sovereign over creation (including the weather), then who I am to complain about it? If I am complaining about the weather, then really I'm just complaining about God's decision.... this thought process goes so much farther than just the weather. But I have a tendency to complain... about lots of things... but I'll complain about the heat, or the cold, or how long it's taking for the cold to go away and the heat to come or vice versa. This year, I've done a lot better. Like right now it's in the 70s here in Knoxville and Thanksgiving is on Thursday. Seriously, a little unbelievable. But I will accept it, and accept this warm weather as long as it holds out. And pray that when the cold of winter comes, the Lord will gently remind me to bite my tongue and be thankful. I pray this mindset will make it's way to many avenues of my life.

This passed fall God has done so much in mine and Dustin's life. In our marriage. In showing us and confirming for us His plan for us. Right now isn't exactly the time to share everything, but I truly cannot wait to pour it all out on this blog. For now, I can say that Dustin is planning/ praying to go to West Africa in March. He and I both went in Dec of 2008, and He has wanted to go again ever since. He and I both have a God-given love and burden for the Muslims in Africa, so I am very excited to see Dustin's desire to go back again coming to pass. We are just praying for the financial aspect of that trip... A definite need.

I just ask that if you pray for us, you would continue to do so, asking the Lord to continue to draw us, and continue to guide us in all the decisions we make for this growing family. Thank you :)

So glad to be back in the blogging world!

Doing Some Weeding

Last weekend I got out somewhat early to beat the heat and pull some weeds in my flower beds. It's interesting because right after doing all the initial work and hard labor in them, I was disciplined about picking every weed the moment I saw it barely shoot up through the mulch. Everyday pretty much, when I would walk past the flower beds I would pull up two or three weeds. After some time went by, I was less disciplined in checking on the weeds. Then out of what seems like nowhere, two weeks ago I looked at the flower beds and there were these huge bushes of weeds! Some as big as my smaller flowers! What had happened? I never really noticed them growing, it seemed just as if overnight they appeared. I know that's not physically possible, but it was caused by my neglect.

The next few days whenever I would walk up to my front door I would notice the weeds, then just shake my head and keep walking. I did not feel like dealing with those weeds. They're so big, and I'm tired, and it would just take too long in the heat. I knew I needed to, I knew in all honesty it would be so irresponsible and such a waste of all the time I spent planting my flowers a couple months ago if I would let the weeds overtake. The longer I let them go, the harder it would be to get them up.

So last Saturday morning after breakfast I got up, got dressed and headed outside... lethargically... complaining... thinking of all the things I could be doing instead of pulling the weeds.... then when I was about halfway done, I realized "ok, this really isn't that bad."

Even though it wasn't exactly what I wanted to be doing, I kind of enjoyed cleaning up the flower beds. And the end result was just great!

As I was working, the Lord showed me how true this scenario is in my own life. Searching out and pulling the weeds in my heart is not fun. It's a pain, and oftentimes I wan to put off dealing with sin. Even though, deep down I know as a child of God I can't put it off for long. Everyday time in the word and prayer is crucial in our walk with God. I need to be constantly examining my heart, allowing to the Lord to point out sin in my life that needs to be put away. It's hard work, but the end result is worth it! Just to sit and meditate on the grace & mercy He shows to His children!

I was reminded of another "garden analogy", something I read a couple years ago called Pruned to Bloom by P. Bunny Wilson. She said,

"Pruning is one of the most important tasks in growing a vineyard. Every year, up to 90% of the vine is cut away. A wise gardener knows that pruning positively affects the quantity and quality of the fruit... We usually find ourselves in one of three places: We have just been pruned, we are growing back from after a pruning, or we are in full bloom."

Jesus said, "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." (John 15:1-2)

Is the Lord doing any weeding or pruning in your life? Rejoice that "He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." (Phil 1:6)

1000 Gifts

Thankfulness... #21-#36

:::days at the lake

:::family time

:::hot summer sun

:::farmer's tans

:::the Lord's gentle discipline

:::Psalm 119:71

:::how the Lord is moving in our church body

:::being back in choir

:::weekends

:::Interfaith clinic- who is going to pay for 90% of Dustin's knee surgery

:::AC

:::doing yard work

:::flowers :) the Lord is so very creative

:::watching my babies grow

:::the Lord's sovereignty

:::there is no pit so deep, that He is not deeper still (Corrie ten Boom)

1000 Gifts

I stumbled across a blog. It's a breath of fresh air. I've been challenged. 1000 Gifts. I don't have a time frame... it will take me as long as it takes me. I'm praying during this challenge, the Lord will grow in me a constant heart of thankfulness. During the week I'm journaling things that happen, or things the Lord brings to my mind, that I'm thankful for. Thursdays I'll blog them, until I reach a thousand. I'll encourage everyone to join too and see how the Lord uses is it in your life.

And so I begin... #1-#20

I am thankful...

:: for ballerina jumps and pink tutus

:: "mommy, one more hug" before bed

:: reading time

:: a sweet little voice reciting Psalm 23

:: His grace that covers a multitude of sin

:: for being dirty, so He can make me clean

: summertime

:: late night swims @ the Bergman's

:: card games

:: music

:: for God's very Word spoken to me through the Bible.

:: that I can only plant or water, but it's God who does the growing (1 Cor 3:7)

:: that there truly is no formula, no "A + B = C" for this journey... but that our Shepherd shows us the Way

:: re-combing messy, blonde curls after naptime

:: baby feet

::summer thunderstorms

:: the joy it brings to my heart, and the smile it brings to my face when I hear Gabbi singing praise songs to the King

:: ....realizing my Father feels the same way about me... :)

:: knowing that in the Body of Christ, we always have family

:: He will complete the work He started in me (Phil 1:6). He's not through with me yet.