I'm Just a Bus Driver...

Today I took my van to be cleaned out.
It hasn't been cleaned since before Christmas, so wow, it needed it. My mom had my big girls, so it was just Ruthie in the van, and she was NOT happy to be there. I opened the sliding door, and she automatically thinks it's time to get out. When I wasn't getting her out, she let me know very clearly that she was not happy with the circumstances. I went on to do the job as quickly as possible. Not fast enough for Ruthie. Eventually (meaning just having the floor of the passenger side vacuumed), I gave up and got her out of her car seat to set her on the floor of the van where I had just vacuumed, and tried to continue to clean. Not good enough. So I picked her up, attempting to do the job one-handed. Hey, sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do, right?
It was then that I met Byron. This, probably mid-50s, African American man who had been cleaning up his early 2000s model Chevy sedan next to mine.
He came up and asked if he could help me. Immediately I did what every average American does... I politely declined. He then said, "Well, I could just vacuum out your van for you while you hold her."
"I'm sorry?" I replied. Not really believing this perfect stranger just offered to vacuum my van for me.
"I could vacuum your van for you while you hold her," he said again.
"Oh... no, no you don't have to do that," why is it so hard to just accept help?
"Really. I'm off work today, I don't have anywhere to be, it's really no problem. I remember those days," he insisted.
I paused and thought this over while the Lord told me, just let him help you.
"Wow. Sure. That's really kind," I said as my over-emotional mommy self swallowed back the urge to cry.

So there I stood in the parking lot of the $3 car wash on Clinton Hwy, baby on my hip, while Byron vacuumed my van. Dumbfounded. Thankful. Hopeful that there are still kind people in this world. People in our nation whose lives aren't run by their watches, not too busy to notice the young mom struggling just to get the crumbs vacuumed out of her van.
Still though, I felt the need to apologize for just how disgusting my vehicle was. He laughed it off, told me he used to drive a mini-van, he had four kids himself. One he lost 5 years ago in a car accident. I had to swallow back tears again. No one ever expects to bury their child. We talked for a few more minutes, then he finished up in the back seat. He told me to wave if I'm ever out and I hear a honk from the city bus, because he drives for Knox Area Transit. He went on about how much he loves his job because he gets to meet so many people he typically wouldn't meet. He's met everyone from the mayor to tourists. He likes talking to the travelers. He was such a joyful man.
I sat there, perplexed about what would possess someone to clean my van for me? Surely he wasn't having to report back to someone about the number of RAK he could accomplish in a week. No. Just love. Just a simple love for people. Clearly, Byron loves people. He loves his job. A bus driver.
I'm sure Byron won't ever see a million dollars driving the city bus. His job may never earn him an upgrade from his early 2000s model Chevy sedan. He may not ever be considered successful in our world of money-hungry corporate vipers. But he loves his job. He loves people.

Byron reminded me of why I'm here.
The greatest commandment is to love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind & strength. And the second is like it, to love our neighbor as our self.

God created us in His image, and He is a relational God. Perfect relationship exists in the trinity, so it is natural for us as humans made in God's likeness, to desire relationship. To desire community. To love.
I want to love well. I want to serve others: My husband. My children. My community. Because this is the example that I was given. Christ loved. Christ served. Though I know I will never do it perfectly, I want to lay my life down. To be selfless. To be remembered, if for nothing else, as someone who loved well. Only because this is what it's like to be a disciple of Christ.
Byron left me with all these thoughts today... and prayers, for him & for myself. I told him how thankful I was and how much it blessed me how he served me. I pray he knows the Lord. I didn't ask him, but some peace he left me with makes me think he does.
It also made me think of the (old) Caedmon's Call song bus driver. I've always loved that song because the statement it makes. "He's 'just' a bus driver, so what does he know?" But he knowspeople... his job is relationships. Just like Byron.
I don't know... just really thinking on relationships tonight... am I a blessing to others in my relationships with them? Like Jesus was? This is what it is to be missional. Living, loving, and serving like Jesus. Am I living like Jesus?

The old is gone, the new has come!

I am not even going to touch on my failure to blog the past couple months. Why? Because it's a new year & beating up on myself about my failures is one thing I'm committing to *quit* in 2012. A resolution, if you will.

My thought on New Year's Resolutions? I welcome them. I love the idea of a fresh start... I love the newness of opening a calender- or turning the page over- and seeing the blankness that lies before my eyes. A new year. A mystery that causes a smile to spread across my face. What will it hold?? Although many resolutions flop after a couple months (or more accurately for me, a couple weeks)... it's okay. Isn't that just another opportunity to look to Christ? Doesn't the same thing happen when we try to earn our righteousness? It's a flop. You can't do it. This new year, I'm striving to cling ever more so closely to my Savior, my righteousness.

My resolution? To grow. I just want to grow.

I would be lying if I were to tell you 2011 wasn't the hardest year of my life thus far. There were more changes in my life than I was ready for, which equal more challenges in my life than I was ready for. More deaths in my family than I could have imagined. More spiritual battles than I asked for. All resulting in some serious emotional battles. Jesus has definitely been walking me through a valley. And although He hasn't left my side, that hasn't made it easy.

I'm stepping into a new year with the promises that His mercies are new. If they are new every morning, that's got to mean they're new every year as well, right? I'm longing for & praying for an outpouring of His mercy and grace in my life in 2012. I want to grow... all the struggles I've been through in the past year are Him putting me through the refiner's fire. He's been pruning me. While pruning is such a painful experience, it's necessary for new growth!

I want to grow in my relationship with my Savior... which will pour over in my relationship with my husband and daughters. I want to grow as a wife, as a mom & homemaker. I want to grow in forgiveness. If it's one thing I've learned this past year, it's that I hold onto things for way too long. I don't forgive as my Christ has forgiven me. I want to lay that down at His feet & grow in that. I want to grow in my love for & service to others. To love like Christ loved & serve as He served. I want to grow in knowledge, to learn... we're never done learning. I want to read more- the Word, fiction, nonfiction. I'd love to become a part of book club. Any suggestions on that would be appreciated! I want to grow in fitness. I've posted before that I love to run, and "in another life" I was a runner. I want to take this up again, and begin working out again. I just want to be healthy- spiritually & physically. I want to grow in thankfulness... instead of sitting back & dwelling on the things that are hard & painful, I want to receive those things with a heart of thanksgiving- knowing that all things my God allows for my good.

This desire, this resolution, is nothing if I attempt to work it out in my own strength. In all things I want to be seeking God's glory & His power through to work through me. I wanted to post about it because it's been on my heart, because I want my readers- however few and far between- to know I haven't given up on this blog, and I want some accountability!

Anyone else want to share their resolutions? Anyone want to grow with me?

Waiting on Autumn...

I love this time of year.

I do love autumn, it just barely beats Spring for my favorite season.

Right now, I'm lying on the couch and our windows are open. A breeze gently blows and the curtains dance. Anytime of year where the windows can be open is good... but there's something about the bringing in of Fall that just makes my heart happy.

Maybe because I was kinda a nerd & loved school growing up...

Maybe it's because during this time 5 years ago I was newly engaged and starting to plan a wedding. Engagement pictures were made, and I was just floating on Cloud9...

Maybe it's because two of my three babies were born this time of year & there is just nothing in the world like a newborn filling your home with joy...

Maybe it's because my family loves football, and I have countless great memories from my childhood that revolve around "football season".

Regardless of what it is, there is something about the changing seasons that I love. That make me meditate on the faithfulness of the Lord. His timing his perfect, right down to the changing seasons. The seasons are constant... we always know Fall follows Summer, Winter follows Fall, then comes Spring, and Summer follows Spring... we never question it. In the same way the Lord is constant, His ways are constant, His faithfulness is forever. He commands the seasons to change, and the seasons show the character of God. Consistent. In every way the seasons show His mercy.

Summer is so hot & at times unbearable, the cool breathe of autumn is what we all wait for & we receive it with thanksgiving.

Winter is chilled, and with it comes the sleeping of plants, the longer nights... but it gives way to the warmth & life of spring.

It's cloudy now & I even love that. It's as if time is standing still... and we are all waiting. Waiting on Autumn, when we will all take a big, deep sigh of relief... Ah, summer is over. Fall is here. We'll put on jackets, we'll go on hikes, we'll pick pumpkins, and then as if it couldn't get any better, we will feast. There is so much to celebrate about Autumn. So much to celebrate about our great God.

LET US COME INTO HIS PRESENCE WITH THANKSGIVING;

LET US MAKE A JOYFUL NOISE TO HIM WITH SONGS OF PRAISE!

Psalm 95:2

Aunt Biddy vs. Nana

Has anyone ever had someone in their life- well, I'm sure we all have- that we'll call "Aunt Biddy". The member of the family you will never please. Always has something to say about your weight, your clothes, your hair, your life decisions, your parenting decisions, etc. She's very passive aggressive in her comments about said things. No matter how hard you try- or don't try, whatever- she has all the answers. You hate to ask her a favor because she'll let you know, ever so slyly, that it's a burden to her.

I have enough Aunt Biddys in my life to count on a hand.

I often feel like the black sheep of my family... the one who didn't finish college. The one who married a guy she barely dated. The one who had an oops-of-a- "honeymoon" baby & now just keeps "oops" having babies. I let my kids run around barefoot & I let them climb on the furniture. I had "so much going for me" and now I'm "just" a young mom.

Some people in my family think I'm irresponsible. Or crazy. Or both.

Then there's Nana... I have a Nana I adopted as my own a few years ago, Nana Betty. No matter what she loves me. She loves my kids and is overjoyed with each pregnancy. She sees the Lord's hand in my life- whether or not I make decisions she doesn't agree with, I would never know because she doesn't let me know. She accepts who I am for what I am. And accepts that the Lord has plans for me. I know I could ask anything of her. In the same way my mom is Nana to my girls. Just loves them, and while she doesn't let them get away with anything at her house & sometimes they wear her out, she always welcomes them with open arms. My girls are the apple of her eye.

Everyone needs a Nana in their life.

I never realized how the attitudes of members in your family can really shape your perspective of God the Father. We often have a view of God as an "Aunt Biddy"... we dread going to Him to ask things of Him because we feel as if He is frowning on us. Disappointed in us because of (fill in the blank). We feel like we let Him down, so how could we go to Him? We picture Him saying, with a big sigh," Yes, I'll give you grace to deal with your children today.... IF you do better than you did yesterday." I often feel God is disappointed in me because of decisions I've made in my life & parenting. If only I would have...., then maybe..... The truth is, this isn't TRUTH!

God MY Father is not just another member of my family frowning over me because I didn't graduate from college.

In her book Give Them Grace, Elyse Fitzpatrick writes:

The Lord isn't disappointed in you or in your parenting. He's not disappointed in your prayers. He doesn't treat His dear children as "disappointments" whose disobedience and failures take Him by surprise or shock Him. He does not suspend His love until they get their acts back together. He already knows the worst about you (in yourself) and loves and approves of you nonetheless (in Christ). Although your sin does grieve Him (Eph 4:30), he doesn't want you to keep your distance, sitting in a corner wearing a dunce cap until you learn your lessons. He invites you to come boldly in with joy and confidence, knowing that He is eager to embrace you. You, as a sinner who trusts His Son, Jesus, are able to do that because the Son prays and intercedes for you. The Father loves you.

Our prayer times with the Lord need change from visits with Aunt Biddy to family dinners with (Nana).

I love this reminder. I need this reminder.

He is my all loving Father who longs to show me grace. He waits to show me grace (Is 30:18).

Nothing surprises Him.

I do have confidence in my decisions. In where the Lord has brought me, so quickly, from a careless college student to Mommy of three. There is nothing I would change about my life, not even for the approval of all!

I greatly desire so much more for my daughters than the approval of friends, family, or the world. I pray I can show them they only need to gain the approval of One, and that there is only One Way to gain such approval. I pray my life models this conviction... If the Lord is my Father and He leads and guides every decision I make- or Dustin & I make... then what else matters???

I'm gonna miss these days...

You know, those days where all you really want to do is take a shower?

.........and finally you get a moment.

Baby is sleeping.

Big sisters have a snack and are currently being entertained by Sesame Street.

conditions. are. perfect.

GO!

Then with a head full of shampoo, well, errr- baking soda- the door opens and you hear "Mommy. I have to go potty." You peek around the curtain and see your well potty trained-or-so-you-thought 3 1/2 yr old standing there in the hallway in a puddle of pee. You call her into the bathroom to undress & get a towel to go cover her pee while you *try to* finish quickly just as you hear them--- tiny toddler feet running down the hallway and....

Yes.

It happened.

There lies Catie-bug.

In Gabbi's pee.

...and suddenly, your peaceful 10mins alone

are crowded by two others in worse need of bathing.

They get in the shower & you hop out for towels to dry them up, and clothes to get them dressed when you hear the inevitable::: Baby starts crying. So it's a *how fast can I possibly get this done* race to at least get a diaper on Catie & panties on Gabbi.

Ok. Not so bad. No one was hurt or scarred- except maybe Mommy.

Feed Baby.

Get a phone call.

Relay to friend the chaos of the morning.

No sooner do you finish that story, when the 20 month old dumps Big Sister's milk from breakfast all in Baby's car seat.

:::sigh:::

I'm gonna miss these day.

So how has it been adjusting to three? Well, some days (like those listed above) I just gotta laugh to keep from crying.

An extra set of hands would be nice.

And it's amazing how just one more child can make your home seem a thousand times smaller... I find myself daydreaming of a bigger home. Ugh discontentment. I hate it.

Laundry stays piles for days at a time, and the bathroom goes longer than I'd care to admit without being cleaned. My house is a wreck, but it's not *dirty*. My kids are in PJs most of the day, but they're loved.

Yeah my hands may be full.... but so is my heart.

Day 3: Photo Challenge

Cast of my favorite show.

We don't really watch much TV. But we did watch 24 when it was out. Sadly, right when we started watching it, it was the last season. It really was the first show we got into together. The first one I've really watched in a long time. I like a lot of random shows: HGTV and foodnetwork probably are my favorite channels. But I can definitely do without. We didn't have cable pretty much our whole first 3 years of marriage. Honestly, I don't like having cable. But Dustin loves his sports :) And that's fine. The reason I'm thankful for cable (sounds so silly to be "thankful" for cable), is because if we do want to turn on the TV in the evenings to "veg" and unwind, we don't have to watch the garbage that's on the main channels. Because, if I'm going to be completely honest, I really think the comedy or drama shows that are on the main cable channels are worthless. And I'd rather not fill my mind with them. Now, I absolutely don't want that to sound "holier than thou" at all. It's just something the Lord convicted me of a couple years ago and that my sweet sweet husband has been there to remind me. No matter how much my flesh (because it is my flesh- not the Spirit of Christ in me) wants to watch say, The Office or Modern Family or something like that, my Spirit won't let me. I know a lot of people watch those shows, but I just can't. I just feel that it's contrary to everything in the Word of God that I try to keep my mind on day to day, when we are commanded in Phillippians to think on what's True and Right and Pure and Noble. You don't find those things in much TV today. I'm not legalistic about it- I definitley don't think all TV or all movies are just sinful and evil. There is a balance. For me, that balance is- "am I laughing at sin?" or "am I wanting these people to sin?" (like, do I actually want this character to sleep with this other character before they are married?) or "is there a distinct RIGHT and WRONG in this show?" Those are the kind of things I ask myself when I'm watching something. I know most people don't agree with me, and that's totally OK. I know there are things I may do or say or watch that other people think "really?? She did that??" I don't think I'm some "better Christian" because of these convictions. We're all in this process of sanctification, and we're all in different places. And that's OK.

Jesus is the reason... so then what?

I am in disbelief that Christmas is two days away! This week has been busy- finishing up gift shopping & grocery shopping... not great on the "staying off my feet" orders for the doctor, but what is a Mommy to do?!

I went to see my doctor again Tuesday. It was a good visit, and gave me peace of mind after having a lot of contractions last weekend. Still no change and Charity is still growing so well with a strong heartbeat! But she wants me to be back in two weeks to do a fetal fibronectin test to tell whether I am likely to go into preterm labor. I'm thankful we have such a thorough doctor, whose concerns are the same as mine! What a night & day difference from the doctor we had with Gabbi.

Anyway, here I sit, one baby sleeping & the other running a couple errands with her Daddy. Dustin showed up at 1:00 this afternoon, a surprise to me & the girls! He said hardly anyone was at work today and he found himself just chatting and visiting with everyone at the office, so he thought he may as well come home :) And he's off until Jan 3rd! What a blessing to have him home with us!

I should probably be laying down or napping right now since the house is unusually quiet, but I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind that have been leaving me blank the past several days. Then I read today's post on the True Woman blog, and it left me even more confused. Celebrating Christmas in an unbelieving home my whole life (even though we would have said we were believers), Jesus was the afterthought of Christmas. Or, yes He was the "reason" for the season... so thank You, Jesus for being born so we can eat good food and have lots of presents. I don't know how my parents afforded to give us so much for Christmas, but we were spoiled. My mom and dad never did the whole "Santa" thing real big, but we weren't missing him with all the stuff we got. I did love those times as a kid, being with all my family. I do have good memories, but they simply don't include Christ.

When we came to know Christ, however, it all shifted... as it should have. And now every year I know Him, He reveals to me more and more what all happened that night He was born. How truly amazing it is. How unbelievable that my High King would humble Himself to the point of becoming a human... and even "less" than merely human... a baby! Who would cry, and hunger, and need His nose wiped, His bottom wiped, be utterly dependent on a young, teenage girl... What humility! He was fully human (without ceasing to be fully God). He did this because there was no other way we could be with Him. Yet He wanted us with Him.... me... He wanted me to be His, so He came. Wow. Hallelujah! He's shown me that, and so much more.

Dustin and I, we want our children to grow knowing the so much more part of Christmas. The part of Christmas that is greater than any Doll house or Princess nightgown they could unwrap. But how??? That is my question... how???

When we were married, especially after Gabbi was born, we decided we weren't going to do Santa. While I think there is absolutely no benefit- and not only no benefit, we believe it takes away from Christ- I'm not going to go on and on about how terrible you are if you do Santa with your kids. Because you're not. I just ask you to consider where we are coming from.

We just decided- besides the fact that it's lying- there is no gospel in "Santa Claus". There are too many similarities between God and "Santa"- they both are omniscient, all knowing & omnipresent. They both know when you're good and bad, but want you to be good, etc. Despite all their similarities, they are very different on the most important thing... If you are good for "Santa" he rewards you with all these presents! But if you are bad, you get nothing- or coal- or (as is the case in most homes, I'm sure) you still get stuff without consequences... That is so unlike our God. No one is deserving of the gifts we get. We could never be good enough for God, yet He bestows His blessings on us because of His grace... and there are consequences for sin. That is why Jesus had to come in the first place! Aside from this one major issue, there were a couple "smaller" reasons... We were also troubled with the idea that our kids' whole childhood we would say "Santa is real. God is real. Santa sees you when you're sleeping. God sees you when you're sleeping. Santa sees everything you do. God sees everything you do." Then one day our child finds out the truth about Santa, and they come to us and say "...so what about God??" Finally, we believe it takes away the glory God deserves for His provision. The kids wake up bright and early Christmas morning, ready to open all the presents, there's so much excitement, and when all the gifts are opened they shout what? "Thank you... Santa???" When the Lord is truly the one deserving the thanks and praise for what He has allowed us to get.

Ok, so we don't do Santa... we know that's not going to the one answer for having our children understand the "so much more". Dustin and I also have talked in the past about the amount of stuff we get our children. Since we don't want presents to be the driving focus of the holiday, we decided that our children will get three gifts from us. Jesus got three gifts, they'll get three gifts. Well, that's from us... then there are aunts, uncles, grandparents, great-grandparents, friends, so on and so on... they still get them stuff. And we're not so stick-in-the-mud that we're going to say "please, don't get our kids gifts" (not that you're a stick-in-the-mud if that's what you do!). I love giving gifts! I love picking out something I just know someone is going to love- especially my daughters- and the anticipation of seeing their face when they open it. I'm not going to take that away from someone. And let's face it, little girls are FUN to shop for. This is the first year where Gabbi really knows what's going on. Which makes it fun. It also makes it all the more troubling. Everyday she's asked me "is it Jesus's birthday yet??" (because I told her we'll open presents on Jesus's bday). She thinks every present I wrap is for her. I've even had to re-tape a gift or two because of her anxiousness. It's cute. Yes. So sweet. Yes... but how do I make her really understand? I know at 3, she's only going to understand so much. But as they grow, how do I make them understand it's not about the gifts that will one day perish, the gifts that will still leave you empty no matter how much you get... it's about The Gift??

We started doing Advent candles this year, with little Gabbi-sized devotions. I'm loving it. It's truly been some of my favorite times as a family so far. Gabbi listens as her Daddy reads from the bible and the Jesus Storybook Bible. She talks about it. She does get that Jesus was born, and we open gifts on His birthday. I just want it to be so much more than the presents. I want our children to truly cherish the time with our family, to cherish Christ & His coming... over gifts. I'm sure every Christian mom wants that. I just am at a loss on how to get there. Part of me thinks it won't really happen until they know Christ. Part of me says, they're kids & kids will always be excited about presents. True. I just think there is a balance somewhere. I'm welcome to (and actually asking for) everyone's thoughts on the subject.

Doing Some Weeding

Last weekend I got out somewhat early to beat the heat and pull some weeds in my flower beds. It's interesting because right after doing all the initial work and hard labor in them, I was disciplined about picking every weed the moment I saw it barely shoot up through the mulch. Everyday pretty much, when I would walk past the flower beds I would pull up two or three weeds. After some time went by, I was less disciplined in checking on the weeds. Then out of what seems like nowhere, two weeks ago I looked at the flower beds and there were these huge bushes of weeds! Some as big as my smaller flowers! What had happened? I never really noticed them growing, it seemed just as if overnight they appeared. I know that's not physically possible, but it was caused by my neglect.

The next few days whenever I would walk up to my front door I would notice the weeds, then just shake my head and keep walking. I did not feel like dealing with those weeds. They're so big, and I'm tired, and it would just take too long in the heat. I knew I needed to, I knew in all honesty it would be so irresponsible and such a waste of all the time I spent planting my flowers a couple months ago if I would let the weeds overtake. The longer I let them go, the harder it would be to get them up.

So last Saturday morning after breakfast I got up, got dressed and headed outside... lethargically... complaining... thinking of all the things I could be doing instead of pulling the weeds.... then when I was about halfway done, I realized "ok, this really isn't that bad."

Even though it wasn't exactly what I wanted to be doing, I kind of enjoyed cleaning up the flower beds. And the end result was just great!

As I was working, the Lord showed me how true this scenario is in my own life. Searching out and pulling the weeds in my heart is not fun. It's a pain, and oftentimes I wan to put off dealing with sin. Even though, deep down I know as a child of God I can't put it off for long. Everyday time in the word and prayer is crucial in our walk with God. I need to be constantly examining my heart, allowing to the Lord to point out sin in my life that needs to be put away. It's hard work, but the end result is worth it! Just to sit and meditate on the grace & mercy He shows to His children!

I was reminded of another "garden analogy", something I read a couple years ago called Pruned to Bloom by P. Bunny Wilson. She said,

"Pruning is one of the most important tasks in growing a vineyard. Every year, up to 90% of the vine is cut away. A wise gardener knows that pruning positively affects the quantity and quality of the fruit... We usually find ourselves in one of three places: We have just been pruned, we are growing back from after a pruning, or we are in full bloom."

Jesus said, "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." (John 15:1-2)

Is the Lord doing any weeding or pruning in your life? Rejoice that "He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." (Phil 1:6)

Haven't been myself these days...

But I think I'm back now.

Since my previous post, the Lord has really been working in my heart and life. Teaching me, drawing me, pruning me. He is so good.

You see, I didn't truly come to know Christ and His saving grace until about 5 years ago. I wasn't raised in a Christian home (although my parents did the best they knew and now, praise God, both of them and my brother are believers). I knew about God and Jesus and we on again/ off again went to church... but we weren't taught GRACE. We didn't know that we could- and should- study the Word for ourselves. We believed "no one could EVER have assurance of salvation" and if you said you knew for a fact that you would go to Heaven when you died, you were either full of pride or a heretic. Our salvation was based upon our own merit. A checklist of good works, church attendance, and "putting God first in our lives". I always would have said we did put God first, but looking back now I truly had no idea what that even meant! Today, even as His child, I continue to fall short of putting Him first in my life!!!

WORK! WORK! WORK! and NO GRACE!!!

My flesh still has a tendency to fall back to those habits even today. That's where I've been, for a couple months I think. It's not like I just wake up and say to myself, "I'll try to earn my salvation today." Just a few weeks ago, maybe I month or more, I don't really know... I began to feel SO terribly overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted. As if I was drowning and fighting with all my strength just to keep my head above water. Why?! Over several days time the Lord started revealing to me the source of my frustration and anxiety:

I feel more accepted by God when my house is clean. When it's messy, I feel as if He's frowning on me.

Whenever I open my Bible, it wasn't because I wanted to know Christ. I was checking it off my list of things to do to be accepted by God.

If Gabbi watched more than a certain amount of TV, I felt like a horrible mom which led to feeling less accepted by God.

If Gabbi is having a hard day obeying (which, on another note, she has had a "hard time obeying" for over 2 weeks now), it was because I failed in some way. As if it is all up to us to make her heart obedient. Therefore, feeling less accepted by God.

This all may sound so crazy to anyone else, but they truly are thoughts that I believed in my mind!

I couldn't pray, because after all, I "didn't deserve" to go before the presence of Almighty God. The prayers I did mutter were something like, "LORD, help me!" "Father what's wrong with me?" "Deliver me from whatever this is!" I didn't open my Bible because I felt like He wouldn't speak to me. Opening the Word just made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't worship. I mean, will still went to service, but I felt as if there was this wall above me and the praises I would sing would just hit the wall.

Oh but, "It is for freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery"(Gal 5:1)!

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing: it is a gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand..." (Eph 2:8-10, emphasis mine)

If my salvation were because of my works, then I would get the glory, not God. The good works a Christian does flows from a heart of gratitude toward God for what has already been done. We work BECAUSE OF our salvation, not FOR our salvation.

Pastor, in his message two Sundays ago on prayer, said something that convicted me so greatly of my self-righteousness. See, I would never have said that I was being self-righteous, because my problem was that I was "just not righteous at all". But Pastor talked about the person who kept falling short and falling short, and was just so torn up over their sin that when they went to pray, they would just have to stop because they "couldn't go before the Lord". "That's me!" I thought. "That's pride and going to God based on your own merit!" Pastor said.

Oooohh... wow. He gave to opposite illustration as well, which I know I've done too. Self-righteousness. I have no merit!!! I am righteous because of Christ and only because of Christ! I'm accepted IN THE BELOVED.

Of course I do not "deserve" to go before God in prayer, I never have deserved to. That's what grace is! Unmerited favor. Bestowing something upon us that we do not deserve. I go before God based on what Christ has done, and because I am Christ's and He is mine.

Being in Romans 8 the passed few weeks has also helped me so much.

"There is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do." Rom 8:1-3

I am free from the law of sin, which wants me to continue to attempt to earn and work for my salvation and acceptance. I can never be good enough. But Christ was and IS.

"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry 'Abba! Father!" Rom 8:15

An adoption can NEVER be undone. This is why I can have the full assurance that I cannot lose my salvation.

Pastor believes Romans Chapter 8 to be the greatest chapter in all the Bible. It begins with no condemnation and ends with no separation. I can't say I disagree with him yet.

On Sunday morning for the first time in, honestly, I don't even know how long, I felt free to worship. I was going before God in worship not because I deserved to praise Him but because HE deserves my praise! I left Sunday morning, anxious to return to worship and hear the Word being taught Sunday evening. I haven't been excited to go back to Church like that in the same amount of time.

The Lord is so sweet. Reminding me that it's not all about me.

My house is currently a mess, lunch leftovers still remain on the table and a basket of folded laundry is at my feet, not yet having made it to their "homes" in our bedrooms. The rug needs to be vacuumed, the dining area swept for the 3rd time today, and I still need to clean the bathroom before my parents get in tonight. But you know, this overwhelming peace surrounds me. The Lord is smiling at me, He sings over me- loudly (Zeph 3:17). There is no condemnation FOR ME.

I opened my Bible on Monday... because I wanted to sit and know Him more. Know His character, know His love for me.

I started in Ephesians 1. Who I am in Christ.

"...even as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him..." (Eph 1:4)
And this was the note for that verse: God's initiative in redeeming the believer from sin and death was not an arbitrary or whimsical decision but something God had planned all along "in Christ". Since God chose his people in his love, they can take no credit for their salvation. God was determined to have them as his own.

If you are in Christ, coming to God in repentance from your sin, your self righteousness, accepting that you can no longer work to earn your salvation, not coming to Him with your list of "I did these and didn't do those" but only because of Christ's death on the cross that satisfies the wrath of God- the payment of death that YOU (and I) deserve. Trusting that God has fully accepted that sacrifice. Then you are His... and God was DETERMINED to have YOU as His own.

Can I please get a Hallelujah?

Chapter One Thoughts

In order to learn what it means to be a woman, we must start with the One who made her. Elisabeth Elliot

Wimpy theology makes wimpy women. John Piper

I still remember when John Piper made that statement for the first time at the conference a year and a half ago. My initial thought was "That is so true! Oh Lord, I don't want to be a wimpy woman!" I still pray that today... for myself and for my daughters. I'm so very thankful for the church my family and I are in. I'm thankful it was the first church the Lord led me to after coming to know Him, when I was a "baby" Christian who was very susceptible to being "carried about by every wind of doctrine" (Eph 4:14). I'm thankful for a Pastor and Elders who desire truth, and teach the truth of the Word, no matter how hard the truth is, no matter if the truth brings in the crowds or not. I'm thankful for not having been taught wimpy theology.

...Then why do I still feel like I'm a wimpy woman?

In the beginning of the chapter Piper gives several examples of the opposite of a wimpy woman. I want to share one that "hit home" to me the most.

The opposite of a wimpy woman is Gladys Staines who in 1999, after serving with her husband Graham in India for three decades learned that he and their two sons, Phillip (10) and Timothy (6), had been set on fire and burned alive by the very people they had served for thirthy-four years, said, "I have only one message for the people of India. I'm not bitter. Neither am I angry. Let us burn hatred and spread the flame of Christ's love."

The opposite of a wimpy woman is her thirteen-year-old daughter Esther (rightly named) who said, when asked how she felt about her father's murder, "I praise the Lord that He found my father worthy to die for Him." 1

Wow.

I asked myself what it was these and the five other women he listed had in common. I continued reading and found the answer when Piper said, "Wimpy theology is plagued by woman-centeredness and man-centeredness." It doesn't have the foundation of a "God-centered purpose for all things".

God's ultimate purpose for the universe and for all of history and for your life is to display the glory of Christ in its highest expression, namely, in His dying to make a rebellious people His everlasting and supremely happy bride. Piper

So why am I still a wimpy woman?

Because I am so very "me" centered.

And it has nothing to do with what I'm taught from my Pastor behind the pulpit.

It's just because I'm in this process called sanctification and I can just simply praise the Lord that He is not finished with me. Then I shall turn from my me-centeredness, and turn to Him and pray that this rebellious child will bring Him the glory He is due... through my womanhood and my marriage.

Because I am a woman, I am able to display the glory of Christ in a way that would not be possible had God not created women/ womanhood, in ways that men are not able to (and vice versa). What does this look like in my marriage? Dustin and I are called to display the covenant relationship, the love between Christ and His church (Eph 5:31). Our roles are absolutely different and absolutely essential. Headship, Christ, the Husband. Submission, the Church, the Wife. These are God's design, "so that marriage will display, as in a mirror dimly, something of the glory of the sacrificial love of Christ for His bride and the lavish reverence and admiration of the bride for her husband."

Lavish reverence and admiration...

Do you feel this way about your husband? Do you act this way toward your husband? And I'm not talking about butterflies, kisses, and "oh, he just makes me laugh so much!"

*reverence: honor or respect felt or shown

*to revere: to show devoted deferential honor to; regard as worthy of great honor

*admiration: an object of esteem 2

Embrace this truth: if you are a believing, married woman, you are called by God to display the glory of Christ in the way you relate to your husband.

1. Randy Alcorn "The World Was Not Worthy of Them"

2. definitions from www.merriam-webster.com

All other quotes taken from Voices of the True Woman Movement

A New Season

Memorial Day kicked off what is pretty much the "official" beginning of summer... not that that means a whole lot here with two little ones. Life pretty much stays the same. Aside from a couple vacations we're hoping to take this year. One will be up to Illinois with some family friends of ours. The other will be to Virginia. We've been wanting to go visit my aunt and uncle in Newport News for a few years now. Dustin has never even been there and we've been married for 3 and a half years! Hopefully near the end of the summer we'll be able to do that. We would also like to go camping at some point. Catie is kind of little but I'm sure mom wouldn't mind working out that problem for us :)

Then there are summer projects...

I'm really looking forward to the opportunity the ladies on the True Woman blog have given me and several other bloggers out there. Nancy Leigh DeMoss came out with a new book called Voices of th True Woman Movement. It's a compilation of several speakers/ authors who each have contributed a chapter in the book. Here's what the back says:

Which voices are you listening to?

In a world with so many contradictory and insistent messages, it's hard to know which ones are right, isn't it?

In recent decades, a powerful chorus has called out to women- urging us to choose the pathway of independence and self-reliance. Slick advertising and packaging have made the world's offer, like forbidden fruit in the Garden, appear to be "good... a delight to the eyes... [and] desired to make one wise."

In October 2008, over six thousand gathered for the first True Woman conference to hear God's Word and to affirm His mission and purpose to their lives. Voices of the True Woman Movement is a collection of messages presented at the conference. As you read, you'll be inspired to listen to the voice of the one who crafted you to uniquely bear His image as a woman.

Discover how a heart tuned to hear God's voice can be transformed to glorify Him and impact those around you for such a time as this.

I was fortunate enough to attend the conference a couple years ago, where I heard all these messages. Then, I was sent this book for free, with the promise to blog my thoughts on each chapter as I go through it. I'm looking forward to reading it, refreshing my mind and spirit on the things these Godly man and women spoke on a couple years ago. Maybe this time, with the Lord's help, these things will sink in! Be looking for my future postings on this book!

My next goal of the summer is to run a 5K. I've been doing the Couch-to-5K training plan. I'm at the end of week 5, which is exciting to be over halfway there! July 3rd is my end date! I'll be "racing" (Ha! Racing. I just want to finish the thing!) in the 26th Annual Pilot Fireball Moonlite Classic 5K. Wow, that's a mouthful! I ran cross country in high school, back in my "fit" days. It's encouraging though to be running again after two babies. I love to run... yes, I'm one of those crazy people who gets some kind of thrill out of pushing my body to its limits, going through intense moments of pain, exhaustion and thirst. I have run for as long as I can remember. My mom always loved running, and my dad was a marine. Running with my dad is one of my favorite memories from when I was young. He always pushed me... so now I have a tendency to push myself. Yes, I'm running again, with a life long goal to run a marathon. I'll keep you posted on that one! ;)

And now here's the thing I'm currently most excited about. My hair is long enough to donate!!! I cut it super short 2 years ago, cutting out the last of my highlights I'd been trying to grow for what seems like years. I've only cut it once since then (even though I probably should have been having it trimmed), with the intentions to grow it out to donate.

Dustin is out of town tonight and won't be home until tomorrow evening. He had to go to nashville for work. I hate when he's not home with us, but I started thinking last night that maybe I could surprise him with something. Then I realized this morning, I'll cut my hair! I don't know how he'll really respond... I'm pretty anxious about that part. He always says he likes my hair both ways- long and short- but we'll see. So I started researching donation organizations this morning. I don't really want to donate to Locks of Love, but was willing to donate to Pantene. I just didn't think my hair was long enough. So I found this smaller non-profit organization called Pink Heart Funds while I was searching for 6" hair donations. Then, realized they just increased the amount they'll accept from 6" to 8"... I was a little bummed. I really want to cut my hair but had convinced myself I will NOT cut all this hair off for nothing. I will only cut it if it's long enough to donate. So out of curiosity, I straightened a section of my hair, then pulled it back, and I have almost TEN inches!!! My hair will be short, pretty short, but I'm excited. I want it short, I want to surprise Dustin, and most importantly I want my hair to go to a "good cause". I'll post pictures later! Hopefully everything will fall into place tomorrow for me to be able to cut it!

Heavenly Sandpaper

I am in love with an amazing man.

My husband, Dustin, and I have been married for almost 3 and a half years. Looking back to when I said "yes!" I could never have imagined the journey the Lord would have taken us on to this place. Here we are... 5 apartments, 1 house, a beta fish (who knows how he's still alive), 2 cars- one that has passed on, a minivan- oh yes, a minivan, and two beautiful girls, a hundred or so arguments and whole lotta "i love you's" later... we are in it for life. This life.

He is my heavenly sandpaper. I've been thinking a lot this week... well, the passed few weeks... about how I didn't picture this. I am so thankful. So thankful for a man who still points me to Christ. The thing that, truly, honestly, made me love him from the beginning was how he made me desire to be more like our Savior.

It has been hard. Nobody is kidding when they say it isn't a fairy tale. Marriage is NOT a fairy tale and it's for that reason that I loathe romantic comedies, and most "drama" movies. Real life marriage looks nothing like that. If anyone ever makes a movie that truly pictures real life marriage, no one will want to go see it... except for maybe me :)

Even though it has been hard, so much harder than I even imagined, he still makes me want to be more like Christ. The things he does that drive me crazy, or things we disagree about, the Lord chose for me. The Lord had me in mind when He created Dustin, and vice versa. The Lord is using him to refine me, mold me, peel away the layers that are not pleasing to Him.

It's for this reason that I still choose to love him. The reason I love him even more than 3 and a half years ago... I am so thankful I can honestly say that. I'm so thankful the Lord is helping us to press on, and continues to unite us together. I pray so much our marriage pictures the love between Christ and His church.

Be thankful for your heavenly sandpaper. It's for your good and God's glory that he (or she) was chosen for you :)

Laundry Thoughts

I was painfully reminded this evening there is NO such thing as being caught up on laundry. There is, however, a constant state of catching up. If anyone ever tells you they have caught up on their laundry, well, they're lying.

We're going out of town this weekend, and on Tuesday we have family coming in. Then my parents come in next weekend. I really want to be caught up on laundry. Today that was my focus. Pretty much everything got neglected but laundry, and some playtime with the girls between loads. This evening, I marched pridefully up the stairs from the laundry room, carrying our last load of towels as I announced to my husband "ALL our towels are clean!" (This is a rarity in our house. Towels take back seat priority to diapers and clothes.) No sooner do I make this declaration than he comes out of the shower, hanging up his towel and washcloth... *sigh*

However, our laundry IS getting cleared out of the laundry room even now as I type. I'm making a strong effort to be done with everything except the girls' clothes and diapers, which I can finish in the morning before heading out of town. I suppose my steps in making this effort sometimes get ahead of my mind. I had been up here for a good 45 minutes, putting all our clothes in their respective homes (another rarity), then go back down with the intentions of switching the load over. What do I find? The lid to the washer still open, the cycle not even begun... *sigh*

I have nothing left I can do but laugh.

I was discussing with some dear friends last night how in the world to balance everything in my life? My walk with the Lord, my marriage, teaching and instructing my children, being a keeper of my home. I feel like I have a tendency to go to the extreme. If I'm determined to keep my home neat, it seems my walk with the Lord suffers. If I'm determined to be in the Word, my home goes astray. Between feeding, diapering, playing, and disciplining, there doesn't seem to be time for everything.

I do know there is a balance. I do know I am serving my God even as I fold towels and wash dishes. I know He is glorified when I clean my home and am "mommy pony" to my 2 year old. I just always feel like it's never enough.

My prayer is that He will continue to guide me, showing me this balance, that I may teach my daughters and it will not be as agonizing for them. This has been so heavy on my heart today... I want to simplify my life, to be able to hear Him more.

Thoughts?