I'm Just a Bus Driver...

Today I took my van to be cleaned out.
It hasn't been cleaned since before Christmas, so wow, it needed it. My mom had my big girls, so it was just Ruthie in the van, and she was NOT happy to be there. I opened the sliding door, and she automatically thinks it's time to get out. When I wasn't getting her out, she let me know very clearly that she was not happy with the circumstances. I went on to do the job as quickly as possible. Not fast enough for Ruthie. Eventually (meaning just having the floor of the passenger side vacuumed), I gave up and got her out of her car seat to set her on the floor of the van where I had just vacuumed, and tried to continue to clean. Not good enough. So I picked her up, attempting to do the job one-handed. Hey, sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do, right?
It was then that I met Byron. This, probably mid-50s, African American man who had been cleaning up his early 2000s model Chevy sedan next to mine.
He came up and asked if he could help me. Immediately I did what every average American does... I politely declined. He then said, "Well, I could just vacuum out your van for you while you hold her."
"I'm sorry?" I replied. Not really believing this perfect stranger just offered to vacuum my van for me.
"I could vacuum your van for you while you hold her," he said again.
"Oh... no, no you don't have to do that," why is it so hard to just accept help?
"Really. I'm off work today, I don't have anywhere to be, it's really no problem. I remember those days," he insisted.
I paused and thought this over while the Lord told me, just let him help you.
"Wow. Sure. That's really kind," I said as my over-emotional mommy self swallowed back the urge to cry.

So there I stood in the parking lot of the $3 car wash on Clinton Hwy, baby on my hip, while Byron vacuumed my van. Dumbfounded. Thankful. Hopeful that there are still kind people in this world. People in our nation whose lives aren't run by their watches, not too busy to notice the young mom struggling just to get the crumbs vacuumed out of her van.
Still though, I felt the need to apologize for just how disgusting my vehicle was. He laughed it off, told me he used to drive a mini-van, he had four kids himself. One he lost 5 years ago in a car accident. I had to swallow back tears again. No one ever expects to bury their child. We talked for a few more minutes, then he finished up in the back seat. He told me to wave if I'm ever out and I hear a honk from the city bus, because he drives for Knox Area Transit. He went on about how much he loves his job because he gets to meet so many people he typically wouldn't meet. He's met everyone from the mayor to tourists. He likes talking to the travelers. He was such a joyful man.
I sat there, perplexed about what would possess someone to clean my van for me? Surely he wasn't having to report back to someone about the number of RAK he could accomplish in a week. No. Just love. Just a simple love for people. Clearly, Byron loves people. He loves his job. A bus driver.
I'm sure Byron won't ever see a million dollars driving the city bus. His job may never earn him an upgrade from his early 2000s model Chevy sedan. He may not ever be considered successful in our world of money-hungry corporate vipers. But he loves his job. He loves people.

Byron reminded me of why I'm here.
The greatest commandment is to love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind & strength. And the second is like it, to love our neighbor as our self.

God created us in His image, and He is a relational God. Perfect relationship exists in the trinity, so it is natural for us as humans made in God's likeness, to desire relationship. To desire community. To love.
I want to love well. I want to serve others: My husband. My children. My community. Because this is the example that I was given. Christ loved. Christ served. Though I know I will never do it perfectly, I want to lay my life down. To be selfless. To be remembered, if for nothing else, as someone who loved well. Only because this is what it's like to be a disciple of Christ.
Byron left me with all these thoughts today... and prayers, for him & for myself. I told him how thankful I was and how much it blessed me how he served me. I pray he knows the Lord. I didn't ask him, but some peace he left me with makes me think he does.
It also made me think of the (old) Caedmon's Call song bus driver. I've always loved that song because the statement it makes. "He's 'just' a bus driver, so what does he know?" But he knowspeople... his job is relationships. Just like Byron.
I don't know... just really thinking on relationships tonight... am I a blessing to others in my relationships with them? Like Jesus was? This is what it is to be missional. Living, loving, and serving like Jesus. Am I living like Jesus?

The old is gone, the new has come!

I am not even going to touch on my failure to blog the past couple months. Why? Because it's a new year & beating up on myself about my failures is one thing I'm committing to *quit* in 2012. A resolution, if you will.

My thought on New Year's Resolutions? I welcome them. I love the idea of a fresh start... I love the newness of opening a calender- or turning the page over- and seeing the blankness that lies before my eyes. A new year. A mystery that causes a smile to spread across my face. What will it hold?? Although many resolutions flop after a couple months (or more accurately for me, a couple weeks)... it's okay. Isn't that just another opportunity to look to Christ? Doesn't the same thing happen when we try to earn our righteousness? It's a flop. You can't do it. This new year, I'm striving to cling ever more so closely to my Savior, my righteousness.

My resolution? To grow. I just want to grow.

I would be lying if I were to tell you 2011 wasn't the hardest year of my life thus far. There were more changes in my life than I was ready for, which equal more challenges in my life than I was ready for. More deaths in my family than I could have imagined. More spiritual battles than I asked for. All resulting in some serious emotional battles. Jesus has definitely been walking me through a valley. And although He hasn't left my side, that hasn't made it easy.

I'm stepping into a new year with the promises that His mercies are new. If they are new every morning, that's got to mean they're new every year as well, right? I'm longing for & praying for an outpouring of His mercy and grace in my life in 2012. I want to grow... all the struggles I've been through in the past year are Him putting me through the refiner's fire. He's been pruning me. While pruning is such a painful experience, it's necessary for new growth!

I want to grow in my relationship with my Savior... which will pour over in my relationship with my husband and daughters. I want to grow as a wife, as a mom & homemaker. I want to grow in forgiveness. If it's one thing I've learned this past year, it's that I hold onto things for way too long. I don't forgive as my Christ has forgiven me. I want to lay that down at His feet & grow in that. I want to grow in my love for & service to others. To love like Christ loved & serve as He served. I want to grow in knowledge, to learn... we're never done learning. I want to read more- the Word, fiction, nonfiction. I'd love to become a part of book club. Any suggestions on that would be appreciated! I want to grow in fitness. I've posted before that I love to run, and "in another life" I was a runner. I want to take this up again, and begin working out again. I just want to be healthy- spiritually & physically. I want to grow in thankfulness... instead of sitting back & dwelling on the things that are hard & painful, I want to receive those things with a heart of thanksgiving- knowing that all things my God allows for my good.

This desire, this resolution, is nothing if I attempt to work it out in my own strength. In all things I want to be seeking God's glory & His power through to work through me. I wanted to post about it because it's been on my heart, because I want my readers- however few and far between- to know I haven't given up on this blog, and I want some accountability!

Anyone else want to share their resolutions? Anyone want to grow with me?

Aunt Biddy vs. Nana

Has anyone ever had someone in their life- well, I'm sure we all have- that we'll call "Aunt Biddy". The member of the family you will never please. Always has something to say about your weight, your clothes, your hair, your life decisions, your parenting decisions, etc. She's very passive aggressive in her comments about said things. No matter how hard you try- or don't try, whatever- she has all the answers. You hate to ask her a favor because she'll let you know, ever so slyly, that it's a burden to her.

I have enough Aunt Biddys in my life to count on a hand.

I often feel like the black sheep of my family... the one who didn't finish college. The one who married a guy she barely dated. The one who had an oops-of-a- "honeymoon" baby & now just keeps "oops" having babies. I let my kids run around barefoot & I let them climb on the furniture. I had "so much going for me" and now I'm "just" a young mom.

Some people in my family think I'm irresponsible. Or crazy. Or both.

Then there's Nana... I have a Nana I adopted as my own a few years ago, Nana Betty. No matter what she loves me. She loves my kids and is overjoyed with each pregnancy. She sees the Lord's hand in my life- whether or not I make decisions she doesn't agree with, I would never know because she doesn't let me know. She accepts who I am for what I am. And accepts that the Lord has plans for me. I know I could ask anything of her. In the same way my mom is Nana to my girls. Just loves them, and while she doesn't let them get away with anything at her house & sometimes they wear her out, she always welcomes them with open arms. My girls are the apple of her eye.

Everyone needs a Nana in their life.

I never realized how the attitudes of members in your family can really shape your perspective of God the Father. We often have a view of God as an "Aunt Biddy"... we dread going to Him to ask things of Him because we feel as if He is frowning on us. Disappointed in us because of (fill in the blank). We feel like we let Him down, so how could we go to Him? We picture Him saying, with a big sigh," Yes, I'll give you grace to deal with your children today.... IF you do better than you did yesterday." I often feel God is disappointed in me because of decisions I've made in my life & parenting. If only I would have...., then maybe..... The truth is, this isn't TRUTH!

God MY Father is not just another member of my family frowning over me because I didn't graduate from college.

In her book Give Them Grace, Elyse Fitzpatrick writes:

The Lord isn't disappointed in you or in your parenting. He's not disappointed in your prayers. He doesn't treat His dear children as "disappointments" whose disobedience and failures take Him by surprise or shock Him. He does not suspend His love until they get their acts back together. He already knows the worst about you (in yourself) and loves and approves of you nonetheless (in Christ). Although your sin does grieve Him (Eph 4:30), he doesn't want you to keep your distance, sitting in a corner wearing a dunce cap until you learn your lessons. He invites you to come boldly in with joy and confidence, knowing that He is eager to embrace you. You, as a sinner who trusts His Son, Jesus, are able to do that because the Son prays and intercedes for you. The Father loves you.

Our prayer times with the Lord need change from visits with Aunt Biddy to family dinners with (Nana).

I love this reminder. I need this reminder.

He is my all loving Father who longs to show me grace. He waits to show me grace (Is 30:18).

Nothing surprises Him.

I do have confidence in my decisions. In where the Lord has brought me, so quickly, from a careless college student to Mommy of three. There is nothing I would change about my life, not even for the approval of all!

I greatly desire so much more for my daughters than the approval of friends, family, or the world. I pray I can show them they only need to gain the approval of One, and that there is only One Way to gain such approval. I pray my life models this conviction... If the Lord is my Father and He leads and guides every decision I make- or Dustin & I make... then what else matters???

The longings of the heart...

I had a "come to Jesus" moment with Gabbi this afternoon. I praise God for times when He shows me what is in my unregenerate children's hearts, although I don't always act in thankfulness.

Today we went to Chik-fil-a with Mom. It was great getting out of the house, even if on a rainy day. The rain and clouds held off the close-to-100 degree weather we were supposed to have, so that was nice. After lunch we went to walk around Target & buy some shoes for Catie-bug who has outgrown every pair of her shoes. No joke, we literally took her into Target bare-footed. Her sandals fit her on Sunday. And Monday I noticed her toes hanging off the ends. Growing girl!

Taking a group full of girls to the shoe section in any store is a sure fire way to reveal a covetousness heart- including my own. So there we are, can you picture it, trying on shoes for Catie as she pulls shoes off the shelf. Every size she grabbed was bigger, so she'd shove it in my face saying "sissy shoe. sissy shoe." All the while, Gabbi dances up and down the shoe isles making sure I'm well aware that she just LOVES this pair... no this pair... no she REALLY loves this pair... aren't they so pretty, Mommy??? ((sigh))

Well, they only had one pair and shoes in Catie's size so that made things slightly easier, and we moved onto the clothing section. We had no need to be in the clothing section really, I only wanted to show Mom the small rack of Minnie Mouse clothes I saw there on a previous trip- Catie loves Minnie :)

All the while Gabbi is asking for everything she sees. Everything. "I want this dress... Can we get this shirt?? Ooo no this one." The thing about it was, it didn't frustrate me. It didn't exasperate me. It only made me sad as I realized... am I any different?? Just because I don't verbalize my wants doesn't mean that the Lord doesn't see the depths of my heart as I walk through the store. I want everything I see. "Lord, I wish we could afford this... and this... Why can't I buy every pair of shoes down the isle? Ah, if only... Then I'd be happy." And what I lie that is!

"Gabbi, honey, we did not come to buy dresses. Catie needs shoes, that's the only reason we came," I explained.

"But I waaaaaaant iiiiiiiiit!!!!!!!" Breaking point. In my flesh, any other day, I would turn my head with the well known, "whose child is this?!?!" expression. But the Lord gave me such grace. He HAS shown me such grace, so I passed it on to Gabbi. I hugged her, and I admit, shed some tears as well. What could I say to her?? I was the exact same way. I prayed for God to show me how to address her.

Gabbi, do you know why you want everything you see? She nodded, "Because of my heart." Yes, honey, your heart is selfish and it's not satisfied. I know because I'm the same way. My heart is selfish and I want everything I see in the store too. But you know what? Jesus can satisfy our hearts and all our desires, and he is the only one who can. You know, honey, if Mommy bought you every pair of shoes you liked and all the pretty dresses in the store. If we took them home and filled your room with everything, you still wouldn't be satisfied because you haven't trusted Jesus to satisfy your heart. I'm the same way honey, but I trust Jesus to satisfy me, and He does. Will this dress make you happy? She nodded. No, honey, no it won't. This dress will not make you happy. You think it will right now because your heart is sinful, but it won't. What is the only thing that can truly make you happy? "Jesus." Yes, Baby, Jesus is the ONLY thing that will truly make you happy. Not this dress. Not all the pretty shoes. Nothing. Nothing will make you truly happy. Only Jesus. So let's ask Him to show you how dissatisfied you are without Him. Let's ask Him to satisfy both of our selfish hearts....

What a moment He gave me. I am so thankful for opportunities to see their sinfulness & point out clear examples of how Jesus can change them. After we prayed and we started to walk away, she did continue to cry.

I am not discouraged. It's only evidence that He has not changed her heart yet. I explained that her, that she was showing me she hadn't trusted Jesus yet. And I asked her over and over, "Will that dress make you happy?... No, only Jesus can make you happy."

I am well aware that my words cannot change her. I know I did not say all the right things, and maybe said some wrong things as far as anyone else is concerned... but it is not about what I say or do that will cause Jesus to change her heart.

In the same way nothing I said or did caused Him to change mine. He chose to out of the depths of His grace & mercy. It is that same grace & mercy I look to, and ask for on behalf of my children... and I wait....

Satisfied in Him alone...

I will glory in my Redeemer
Whose priceless blood has ransomed me
Mine was the sin that drove the bitter nails
And hung Him on that judgment tree
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who crushed the power of sin and death
My only Savior before the Holy Judge
The Lamb Who is my righteousness
The Lamb Who is my righteousness

I will glory in my Redeemer
My life He bought, my love He owns
I have no longings for another
I’m satisfied in Him alone
I will glory in my Redeemer
His faithfulness my standing place
Though foes are mighty and rush upon me
My feet are firm, held by His grace
My feet are firm, held by His grace

I will glory in my Redeemer
Who carries me on eagle’s wings
He crowns my life with lovingkindness
His triumph song I’ll ever sing
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who waits for me at gates of gold
And when He calls me it will be paradise
His face forever to behold
His face forever to behold
His face forever to behold


© 2001 Sovereign Grace Worship (ASCAP).

I think those are some of the most beautiful lyrics I've ever heard. I've been unable to stop listening to this song ever since yesterday afternoon on the way to church. It's one of Dustin's favorites, and to be honest I've never listened to the lyrics too closely.

I'd love to say I'm doing great since he's been gone... but this being here without him is SO HARD! Maybe the hardest thing I've ever done. And the Lord has just really spoken to me through this song. Between this & the sermon last night & praying for Dustin and the W.A. team, the truth of the gospel & what happened on the cross is just playing over and over again in my mind.

My only Savior before the Holy Judge......

I want to be able to sing the second verse as truth in my life. His faithfulness to be my standing place, especially this week, when honestly there have been moments I just want to lay in bed and sleep until he gets home. (I'm pathetic, I know).

I have no longings for another, I'm satisfied in Him alone....

Satisfied in Christ alone. In His presence in my life. With His company alone. Not satisfied in Dustin being home, here, "safe", able to call him whenever I want.

I know it's okay to miss my husband. And obviously I do, terribly. This is the first time in our marriage we've been apart like this. Saturday was the first day in over 4 1/2 years where we did not talk at all. So it's going to be hard, I know that. I don't think it's wrong for me to miss him like I do. I just don't want to miss what the Lord has for me this week. What He wants to teach me and to show me in this.

You are welcome to pray for me if you think about it :)

And pray our baby doesn't decide she wants to come this week!

Challenged to Love

We went to friends' house for dinner this evening with all my family. My brother & his wife are in town this weekend- and that's been fun. We were able to get out just the four of us. We had lunch & ran around town while my mom & dad kept the girls. It was nice to hang out like that, it's not often (never, really) that it happens!

On the way home Dustin and I got into a conversation-not long, not in too much depth, but still a good conversation. We were talking about this couple the Lord has placed in our lives, and how God has drastically changed his heart toward the husband.

He said to me: "You know, he still drives me crazy, but the Lord has really given me a love for him... I legitimately consider him a friend." I just thought that was amazing, and told him so. We really give credit completely to God, and how He has the power to change our hearts. I told Dustin how I remember two years ago, honestly, he couldn't stand him. He's just one of those guys that everything about him rubbed Dustin the wrong way... and me too. Same with his wife. Dustin brought that up, saying "Now, (his wife), I'm not so sure of... You know, I don't really know her."

I admitted to how I still struggle with both of them, really. I know God places people in our lives that our difficult to love for a reason. To make us more like him... Because I know I'm difficult to love!! But I just see my husband's heart, how the Lord has changed it completely, and it truly challenges me. It caused me to be honest with myself and him as I said, "You know, the reason I have a hard time with (her) is because she just so different... just kind of weird, and she's just so immature." Saying it out loud was almost embarrassing- even though only Dustin was listening. Before I had a chance to say anything else, he cut in:

"I know it's hard to enter into a relationship knowing you're not going to get anything out of it... at least for a long time. It really challenges our selfishness."

Wow. Praise the Lord I have a husband who oh so gently, but confidently, points out my sin to me. Even though he told me later, he wasn't saying that directed at me, but to himself. I didn't say much, if anything, after that and was pretty quiet the rest of the way home thinking about things.

Do I really only pursue relationships with people when I think I will get something out of it? Even if my motives are good-- I see someone who may be further along than me spiritually, and I want glean from them. Or another mom who has kids older than mine, and I think I can learn things from her. Or someone I notice I have a lot in common with, and I think we'll have a good time together. These are good things.

But when someone is "hard to love"? I know I have absolutely nothing in common with them. They are seemingly less mature than I am. They have a different sense of humor, or different parenting ideas, or they're at a different place spiritually... Do I always shy away because this relationship doesn't seem to have much, if anything, to offer me?

If I'm being honest with myself. With the Lord. With you.... Yes. I do.

How unlike my Savior?!?!

So when I went to bed tonight (or last night, it's 4 in the am right now & I am wide awake), I was talking to Dustin, then praying as I was falling asleep, that I just don't know what this means. What do I do with this conviction? Where do I go from here? What does it look like to love someone or pursue relationship with those who seemingly "don't have anything to offer" me?

I guess -one of the things- I fear about befriending certain people is that they'll end up being "that person" who is calling/ texting you constantly, stop by unannounced, or just seem to not have a comprehension of boundaries... I don't know if that makes sense to some people, or if any of you have ever experienced someone like that... I have in the past. I told Dustin I'm afraid of turning into someone who just can't say "no". He understood, then gently reminded me, "But honey, your problem right now is that you can't say yes." ::sigh:: Then he went on about how sweet the Lord is to pursue me. How He loves me just way too much to leave me like I am... in sin.

.......Don't I just have the greatest husband?

So I asked the Lord to show me what all this looks like in His Word. Then when I woke up in the middle of the night, unable to fall back asleep, I came out here in the living room... and He showed me.

"If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful."

Luke 6:27-36

I know that the context here when Jesus is talking about lending, expecting nothing in return is not referring to relationships, but I still find it appropriate in this case. I mean, He is also speaking about love. I think back to before I knew Christ and then to now, and see this is an area of my life that has remained unchanged. This is definitely an area where I do not look like Christ. Love. I do not love well. And isn't it the greatest commandment? Oh Father, forgive me.

My footnote says: Reciprocity is insufficient, because even sinners practice reciprocity. And "you will be sons" does not mean "you will become sons" but "you will demonstrate that you are sons" by imitating God's care and compassion even for those who are evil.

So to answer my own question: What does it look like to love someone or pursue relationship with those who seemingly "don't have anything to offer" me? ...It looks like Jesus.

If I am only loving those who love me, who offer me something, how does that at all resemble my Father in Heaven- Who loves me & gave Himself for me when I had & still have absolutely nothing to offer Him! It doesn't.

And I say I have these "fears"... but they are really just excuses, let's be honest. If I had any legitimate fears I only need to be reminded that "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear" 1 John 4:18.

So here I am. Praying God will please mold my heart to look like His, praying He will enable me to love. He has shown me what He commands, now I'm waiting upon Him to give me to the ability to do what He commands...

Day 11

Something I hate.

It's taken me a couple days to gather my thoughts for this post. I look at what's going on in Egypt- a power hungry dictator, civil unrest; what's been going on in Africa- poverty, starvation, children being abducted and forced into local armies; what's going on the US- abortion, drug babies born to less than capable parent(s)... I hate these things. I hate when my babies are in pain... yet I know, my babies have no idea about pain. They are tucked safely in their warm cozy beds each night, with full tummies and the "comforts" of blankies and a million stuffed animals surrounding them. No... they don't know discomfort, and probably never will. I hate seeing children in pain, but the problem truly goes much deeper than that. I get angry at women like the one pictured boasting in a "choice". Then I realize, she's blind, it's sin. It all goes back to sin. Unrest in Egypt. Poverty in Africa. Abortion in the US. (I know these locations are not the only place these things exist, it's just what's come to mind at the moment.) The Lord is not surprised by these things... He said it would be so! And He also knows why it is so... why? It's because of sin. What I truly hate, is SIN.

When I began thinking of my hatred for sin & all these things around the world going on that are caused by sin, the Lord quickly brought it back to me.

I hate MY sin.

This is pretty much the best picture I could find for "my sin". And sadly, it's pretty accurate... I have been the woman before. What's not so accurate is that Dustin is rarely that man raising his voice back. No, my sin is not limited to screaming at my husband... and by His grace only the screaming has been significantly less than the first year or so of marriage... I have been given a new nature, but still am dealing with the sin nature I was born with. And I'm reminded of it every day. It wears me out... and I know it wears out those around me. I'm impatient. I'm prideful. I'm lazy. I'm unbelieving. I'm selfish.

Oh, how I can't wait for the day when finally this old nature will be put off for good! And I will worship Christ fully, without a sin nature hindering me.

God is not up in Heaven wringing His hands, wondering what He is going to do with Egypt, or Africa, or America.... or me. He knows truly the need for the world- to hear and receive His gospel. God is sovereign over the painful things too, nothing has caught Him by surprise. He does all things well, and for His glory- whether or not it makes sense to me. That does not mean I'm to sit back and shrug off what's going on around me. But I know first, I must deal with myself- I must remind myself of who I am in Christ, and ask for the Holy Spirit to enable me to act accordingly. Secondly, I must pray for His will to be done among the nations, that His name may be made great. And I also must hear Him on what He wants me (us) to do... Pray? Give? Go?

Well, we all should pray. But the giving or the going.... it looks different for everyone.

I know that by one man sin entered the world. That Satan in the god (little "g") of this world, and that is evident by the current events. And I surely hate these two facts. But I am not discouraged.

John 16:33

In this world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

He is the answer. He is what they need. Someone just needs to tell them.

Day 9

Person who has gotten me through the most.

OK, well this one really was pretty easy. I say this not to sound cliche, but only because I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

JESUS has undoubtedly gotten me through the most in my life... Good and Bad.

Anything in my life good or praiseworthy is because of my Savior and because He has caused or allowed it to happen to me.
Anything bad in my life, that has broken my heart or made me angry, that has made me to want to run or brought me down to my knees is because He has caused or allowed it to happen to me. Granted, many painful things in my life have been self-inflicted, but nothing ever surprises Him. Before I knew Him, as I was living my life of sin that eventually brought me to a point of brokenness I never again want to experience nor would wish for anyone, He alone got me through. Brought me to that point where I could recognize my sinfulness, my need for Him, and He was there. Without Christ, without Him rescuing me, I don't even want to imagine where I would be today.

Even now, knowing Him, I have walked through my share of valleys. I do have a wonderful husband & sisters in Christ that have been there for me. But it's the promises of God and my relationship with Christ that has truly gotten me through. Even in seasons of loneliness, it's Christ that is ever-present. I just love this *old school* quote from the Newsboys song Breakfast: Those here without the Lord, how do you cope. For this morning we don't mourn like those who have no hope.

Truly, Christ is the hope of every believer. I'm thankful for the joy I can find in my valleys because of Him and His faithfulness.

All things He works together for my good & His glory.

There's no one else I would rather have to turn to.

Jesus is the reason... so then what?

I am in disbelief that Christmas is two days away! This week has been busy- finishing up gift shopping & grocery shopping... not great on the "staying off my feet" orders for the doctor, but what is a Mommy to do?!

I went to see my doctor again Tuesday. It was a good visit, and gave me peace of mind after having a lot of contractions last weekend. Still no change and Charity is still growing so well with a strong heartbeat! But she wants me to be back in two weeks to do a fetal fibronectin test to tell whether I am likely to go into preterm labor. I'm thankful we have such a thorough doctor, whose concerns are the same as mine! What a night & day difference from the doctor we had with Gabbi.

Anyway, here I sit, one baby sleeping & the other running a couple errands with her Daddy. Dustin showed up at 1:00 this afternoon, a surprise to me & the girls! He said hardly anyone was at work today and he found himself just chatting and visiting with everyone at the office, so he thought he may as well come home :) And he's off until Jan 3rd! What a blessing to have him home with us!

I should probably be laying down or napping right now since the house is unusually quiet, but I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind that have been leaving me blank the past several days. Then I read today's post on the True Woman blog, and it left me even more confused. Celebrating Christmas in an unbelieving home my whole life (even though we would have said we were believers), Jesus was the afterthought of Christmas. Or, yes He was the "reason" for the season... so thank You, Jesus for being born so we can eat good food and have lots of presents. I don't know how my parents afforded to give us so much for Christmas, but we were spoiled. My mom and dad never did the whole "Santa" thing real big, but we weren't missing him with all the stuff we got. I did love those times as a kid, being with all my family. I do have good memories, but they simply don't include Christ.

When we came to know Christ, however, it all shifted... as it should have. And now every year I know Him, He reveals to me more and more what all happened that night He was born. How truly amazing it is. How unbelievable that my High King would humble Himself to the point of becoming a human... and even "less" than merely human... a baby! Who would cry, and hunger, and need His nose wiped, His bottom wiped, be utterly dependent on a young, teenage girl... What humility! He was fully human (without ceasing to be fully God). He did this because there was no other way we could be with Him. Yet He wanted us with Him.... me... He wanted me to be His, so He came. Wow. Hallelujah! He's shown me that, and so much more.

Dustin and I, we want our children to grow knowing the so much more part of Christmas. The part of Christmas that is greater than any Doll house or Princess nightgown they could unwrap. But how??? That is my question... how???

When we were married, especially after Gabbi was born, we decided we weren't going to do Santa. While I think there is absolutely no benefit- and not only no benefit, we believe it takes away from Christ- I'm not going to go on and on about how terrible you are if you do Santa with your kids. Because you're not. I just ask you to consider where we are coming from.

We just decided- besides the fact that it's lying- there is no gospel in "Santa Claus". There are too many similarities between God and "Santa"- they both are omniscient, all knowing & omnipresent. They both know when you're good and bad, but want you to be good, etc. Despite all their similarities, they are very different on the most important thing... If you are good for "Santa" he rewards you with all these presents! But if you are bad, you get nothing- or coal- or (as is the case in most homes, I'm sure) you still get stuff without consequences... That is so unlike our God. No one is deserving of the gifts we get. We could never be good enough for God, yet He bestows His blessings on us because of His grace... and there are consequences for sin. That is why Jesus had to come in the first place! Aside from this one major issue, there were a couple "smaller" reasons... We were also troubled with the idea that our kids' whole childhood we would say "Santa is real. God is real. Santa sees you when you're sleeping. God sees you when you're sleeping. Santa sees everything you do. God sees everything you do." Then one day our child finds out the truth about Santa, and they come to us and say "...so what about God??" Finally, we believe it takes away the glory God deserves for His provision. The kids wake up bright and early Christmas morning, ready to open all the presents, there's so much excitement, and when all the gifts are opened they shout what? "Thank you... Santa???" When the Lord is truly the one deserving the thanks and praise for what He has allowed us to get.

Ok, so we don't do Santa... we know that's not going to the one answer for having our children understand the "so much more". Dustin and I also have talked in the past about the amount of stuff we get our children. Since we don't want presents to be the driving focus of the holiday, we decided that our children will get three gifts from us. Jesus got three gifts, they'll get three gifts. Well, that's from us... then there are aunts, uncles, grandparents, great-grandparents, friends, so on and so on... they still get them stuff. And we're not so stick-in-the-mud that we're going to say "please, don't get our kids gifts" (not that you're a stick-in-the-mud if that's what you do!). I love giving gifts! I love picking out something I just know someone is going to love- especially my daughters- and the anticipation of seeing their face when they open it. I'm not going to take that away from someone. And let's face it, little girls are FUN to shop for. This is the first year where Gabbi really knows what's going on. Which makes it fun. It also makes it all the more troubling. Everyday she's asked me "is it Jesus's birthday yet??" (because I told her we'll open presents on Jesus's bday). She thinks every present I wrap is for her. I've even had to re-tape a gift or two because of her anxiousness. It's cute. Yes. So sweet. Yes... but how do I make her really understand? I know at 3, she's only going to understand so much. But as they grow, how do I make them understand it's not about the gifts that will one day perish, the gifts that will still leave you empty no matter how much you get... it's about The Gift??

We started doing Advent candles this year, with little Gabbi-sized devotions. I'm loving it. It's truly been some of my favorite times as a family so far. Gabbi listens as her Daddy reads from the bible and the Jesus Storybook Bible. She talks about it. She does get that Jesus was born, and we open gifts on His birthday. I just want it to be so much more than the presents. I want our children to truly cherish the time with our family, to cherish Christ & His coming... over gifts. I'm sure every Christian mom wants that. I just am at a loss on how to get there. Part of me thinks it won't really happen until they know Christ. Part of me says, they're kids & kids will always be excited about presents. True. I just think there is a balance somewhere. I'm welcome to (and actually asking for) everyone's thoughts on the subject.

Haven't been myself these days...

But I think I'm back now.

Since my previous post, the Lord has really been working in my heart and life. Teaching me, drawing me, pruning me. He is so good.

You see, I didn't truly come to know Christ and His saving grace until about 5 years ago. I wasn't raised in a Christian home (although my parents did the best they knew and now, praise God, both of them and my brother are believers). I knew about God and Jesus and we on again/ off again went to church... but we weren't taught GRACE. We didn't know that we could- and should- study the Word for ourselves. We believed "no one could EVER have assurance of salvation" and if you said you knew for a fact that you would go to Heaven when you died, you were either full of pride or a heretic. Our salvation was based upon our own merit. A checklist of good works, church attendance, and "putting God first in our lives". I always would have said we did put God first, but looking back now I truly had no idea what that even meant! Today, even as His child, I continue to fall short of putting Him first in my life!!!

WORK! WORK! WORK! and NO GRACE!!!

My flesh still has a tendency to fall back to those habits even today. That's where I've been, for a couple months I think. It's not like I just wake up and say to myself, "I'll try to earn my salvation today." Just a few weeks ago, maybe I month or more, I don't really know... I began to feel SO terribly overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted. As if I was drowning and fighting with all my strength just to keep my head above water. Why?! Over several days time the Lord started revealing to me the source of my frustration and anxiety:

I feel more accepted by God when my house is clean. When it's messy, I feel as if He's frowning on me.

Whenever I open my Bible, it wasn't because I wanted to know Christ. I was checking it off my list of things to do to be accepted by God.

If Gabbi watched more than a certain amount of TV, I felt like a horrible mom which led to feeling less accepted by God.

If Gabbi is having a hard day obeying (which, on another note, she has had a "hard time obeying" for over 2 weeks now), it was because I failed in some way. As if it is all up to us to make her heart obedient. Therefore, feeling less accepted by God.

This all may sound so crazy to anyone else, but they truly are thoughts that I believed in my mind!

I couldn't pray, because after all, I "didn't deserve" to go before the presence of Almighty God. The prayers I did mutter were something like, "LORD, help me!" "Father what's wrong with me?" "Deliver me from whatever this is!" I didn't open my Bible because I felt like He wouldn't speak to me. Opening the Word just made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't worship. I mean, will still went to service, but I felt as if there was this wall above me and the praises I would sing would just hit the wall.

Oh but, "It is for freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery"(Gal 5:1)!

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing: it is a gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand..." (Eph 2:8-10, emphasis mine)

If my salvation were because of my works, then I would get the glory, not God. The good works a Christian does flows from a heart of gratitude toward God for what has already been done. We work BECAUSE OF our salvation, not FOR our salvation.

Pastor, in his message two Sundays ago on prayer, said something that convicted me so greatly of my self-righteousness. See, I would never have said that I was being self-righteous, because my problem was that I was "just not righteous at all". But Pastor talked about the person who kept falling short and falling short, and was just so torn up over their sin that when they went to pray, they would just have to stop because they "couldn't go before the Lord". "That's me!" I thought. "That's pride and going to God based on your own merit!" Pastor said.

Oooohh... wow. He gave to opposite illustration as well, which I know I've done too. Self-righteousness. I have no merit!!! I am righteous because of Christ and only because of Christ! I'm accepted IN THE BELOVED.

Of course I do not "deserve" to go before God in prayer, I never have deserved to. That's what grace is! Unmerited favor. Bestowing something upon us that we do not deserve. I go before God based on what Christ has done, and because I am Christ's and He is mine.

Being in Romans 8 the passed few weeks has also helped me so much.

"There is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do." Rom 8:1-3

I am free from the law of sin, which wants me to continue to attempt to earn and work for my salvation and acceptance. I can never be good enough. But Christ was and IS.

"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry 'Abba! Father!" Rom 8:15

An adoption can NEVER be undone. This is why I can have the full assurance that I cannot lose my salvation.

Pastor believes Romans Chapter 8 to be the greatest chapter in all the Bible. It begins with no condemnation and ends with no separation. I can't say I disagree with him yet.

On Sunday morning for the first time in, honestly, I don't even know how long, I felt free to worship. I was going before God in worship not because I deserved to praise Him but because HE deserves my praise! I left Sunday morning, anxious to return to worship and hear the Word being taught Sunday evening. I haven't been excited to go back to Church like that in the same amount of time.

The Lord is so sweet. Reminding me that it's not all about me.

My house is currently a mess, lunch leftovers still remain on the table and a basket of folded laundry is at my feet, not yet having made it to their "homes" in our bedrooms. The rug needs to be vacuumed, the dining area swept for the 3rd time today, and I still need to clean the bathroom before my parents get in tonight. But you know, this overwhelming peace surrounds me. The Lord is smiling at me, He sings over me- loudly (Zeph 3:17). There is no condemnation FOR ME.

I opened my Bible on Monday... because I wanted to sit and know Him more. Know His character, know His love for me.

I started in Ephesians 1. Who I am in Christ.

"...even as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him..." (Eph 1:4)
And this was the note for that verse: God's initiative in redeeming the believer from sin and death was not an arbitrary or whimsical decision but something God had planned all along "in Christ". Since God chose his people in his love, they can take no credit for their salvation. God was determined to have them as his own.

If you are in Christ, coming to God in repentance from your sin, your self righteousness, accepting that you can no longer work to earn your salvation, not coming to Him with your list of "I did these and didn't do those" but only because of Christ's death on the cross that satisfies the wrath of God- the payment of death that YOU (and I) deserve. Trusting that God has fully accepted that sacrifice. Then you are His... and God was DETERMINED to have YOU as His own.

Can I please get a Hallelujah?

Chapter One Thoughts

In order to learn what it means to be a woman, we must start with the One who made her. Elisabeth Elliot

Wimpy theology makes wimpy women. John Piper

I still remember when John Piper made that statement for the first time at the conference a year and a half ago. My initial thought was "That is so true! Oh Lord, I don't want to be a wimpy woman!" I still pray that today... for myself and for my daughters. I'm so very thankful for the church my family and I are in. I'm thankful it was the first church the Lord led me to after coming to know Him, when I was a "baby" Christian who was very susceptible to being "carried about by every wind of doctrine" (Eph 4:14). I'm thankful for a Pastor and Elders who desire truth, and teach the truth of the Word, no matter how hard the truth is, no matter if the truth brings in the crowds or not. I'm thankful for not having been taught wimpy theology.

...Then why do I still feel like I'm a wimpy woman?

In the beginning of the chapter Piper gives several examples of the opposite of a wimpy woman. I want to share one that "hit home" to me the most.

The opposite of a wimpy woman is Gladys Staines who in 1999, after serving with her husband Graham in India for three decades learned that he and their two sons, Phillip (10) and Timothy (6), had been set on fire and burned alive by the very people they had served for thirthy-four years, said, "I have only one message for the people of India. I'm not bitter. Neither am I angry. Let us burn hatred and spread the flame of Christ's love."

The opposite of a wimpy woman is her thirteen-year-old daughter Esther (rightly named) who said, when asked how she felt about her father's murder, "I praise the Lord that He found my father worthy to die for Him." 1

Wow.

I asked myself what it was these and the five other women he listed had in common. I continued reading and found the answer when Piper said, "Wimpy theology is plagued by woman-centeredness and man-centeredness." It doesn't have the foundation of a "God-centered purpose for all things".

God's ultimate purpose for the universe and for all of history and for your life is to display the glory of Christ in its highest expression, namely, in His dying to make a rebellious people His everlasting and supremely happy bride. Piper

So why am I still a wimpy woman?

Because I am so very "me" centered.

And it has nothing to do with what I'm taught from my Pastor behind the pulpit.

It's just because I'm in this process called sanctification and I can just simply praise the Lord that He is not finished with me. Then I shall turn from my me-centeredness, and turn to Him and pray that this rebellious child will bring Him the glory He is due... through my womanhood and my marriage.

Because I am a woman, I am able to display the glory of Christ in a way that would not be possible had God not created women/ womanhood, in ways that men are not able to (and vice versa). What does this look like in my marriage? Dustin and I are called to display the covenant relationship, the love between Christ and His church (Eph 5:31). Our roles are absolutely different and absolutely essential. Headship, Christ, the Husband. Submission, the Church, the Wife. These are God's design, "so that marriage will display, as in a mirror dimly, something of the glory of the sacrificial love of Christ for His bride and the lavish reverence and admiration of the bride for her husband."

Lavish reverence and admiration...

Do you feel this way about your husband? Do you act this way toward your husband? And I'm not talking about butterflies, kisses, and "oh, he just makes me laugh so much!"

*reverence: honor or respect felt or shown

*to revere: to show devoted deferential honor to; regard as worthy of great honor

*admiration: an object of esteem 2

Embrace this truth: if you are a believing, married woman, you are called by God to display the glory of Christ in the way you relate to your husband.

1. Randy Alcorn "The World Was Not Worthy of Them"

2. definitions from www.merriam-webster.com

All other quotes taken from Voices of the True Woman Movement

Heavenly Sandpaper

I am in love with an amazing man.

My husband, Dustin, and I have been married for almost 3 and a half years. Looking back to when I said "yes!" I could never have imagined the journey the Lord would have taken us on to this place. Here we are... 5 apartments, 1 house, a beta fish (who knows how he's still alive), 2 cars- one that has passed on, a minivan- oh yes, a minivan, and two beautiful girls, a hundred or so arguments and whole lotta "i love you's" later... we are in it for life. This life.

He is my heavenly sandpaper. I've been thinking a lot this week... well, the passed few weeks... about how I didn't picture this. I am so thankful. So thankful for a man who still points me to Christ. The thing that, truly, honestly, made me love him from the beginning was how he made me desire to be more like our Savior.

It has been hard. Nobody is kidding when they say it isn't a fairy tale. Marriage is NOT a fairy tale and it's for that reason that I loathe romantic comedies, and most "drama" movies. Real life marriage looks nothing like that. If anyone ever makes a movie that truly pictures real life marriage, no one will want to go see it... except for maybe me :)

Even though it has been hard, so much harder than I even imagined, he still makes me want to be more like Christ. The things he does that drive me crazy, or things we disagree about, the Lord chose for me. The Lord had me in mind when He created Dustin, and vice versa. The Lord is using him to refine me, mold me, peel away the layers that are not pleasing to Him.

It's for this reason that I still choose to love him. The reason I love him even more than 3 and a half years ago... I am so thankful I can honestly say that. I'm so thankful the Lord is helping us to press on, and continues to unite us together. I pray so much our marriage pictures the love between Christ and His church.

Be thankful for your heavenly sandpaper. It's for your good and God's glory that he (or she) was chosen for you :)

A (long) Testimony of His Grace

I realize it has been almost 4 months since I've blogged. I do aspire to be a better "blogger"... and I really don't know how any mom can keep up with a blog. I mean, I only have one child right now and it's next to impossible! So, you mommy-bloggers out there (I'm thinking of Courtney in particular- who is amazing at keeping her blog up), you have my respect!

Words can't really describe how much the Lord has moved in my heart these past few months. I guess it really started before Dustin and I went to West Africa on a mission trip right a couple weeks before Christmas. It was one night before we were going to bed, when he was under this conviction, over several things really. He was confessing things to me and broken... I don't remember the lot of what he had said, but I remember this one thing. He said, "Baby, I want to Lord to just make everything new. I want to just start over... with a clean slate." I got so excited and said, "Honey! He can! That's what He does!!!" ---Realizing now how little I actually believed what I myself was saying to him. So there we were, for a few weeks really praying and asking the Lord to just make all things new- in our lives, our marriage, everything.

We came home from W. Africa, several weeks afterward, and I believe I was under some type of spiritual warfare. I just could not seem to hear from the Lord when I would read His word and I felt like my prayers hit the ceiling. I honestly began to lose a desire to even open my bible. Dustin and I also began arguing a lot during this time. I confess, with much regret, I spoke SO ugly to him. If he would even remotely be short or impatient with me in any way, I would lash out at him. The thing that makes my anger & harsh words even worse, was I felt no remorse for them. If I even did apologize to him afterward it was because I just wanted to keep peace, because I knew I "should" be sorry. I was troubled by this periodically & wondered "How can I say I'm sorry without feeling sorry?!?" It was my sweet baby girl who the Lord used to bring light upon my sin.

Gabrielle is growing, obviously, and her personality is growing with her... She has such a big personality for such a little girl. This really is sweet & so fun to watch, but sometimes it's not so good. Near the end of January she realized she too, can say the word "no". While playing with other friends of hers is pretty much her favorite time to use this word. Half the time she's probably provoked by someone taking a toy away from her or something and she says "no", half the time she's the one taking the toy and saying "no". Either way, I was very troubled by this. Dustin and I talked about it and at first we were not in complete agreement as to how to handle it. Then, he told me I should discipline her when she says (actually, yells) "no" like this. I had a hard time with this. I just did not want to discipline her- so sometimes I would & sometimes (if I saw she was provoked) I wouldn't. Inconsistent. We strive very hard to be consistent, and I knew I was misleading her by sometimes disciplining and sometimes not. I just did not want to discipline her if I knew she was being provoked by someone else. Dustin pretty much called me out on it and said "Look, even if WE are provoked, we still are not to sin". One Friday night I just lied in bed telling the Lord over and over again: "I just want to defend her. I just want to defend her!" To a fault. Yes. I am not doing a good job of protecting her if I am allowing her to sin. After saying this for probably 5 minutes, agonizing over what I need to do, the Lord spoke to me (no, it was not an audible voice, just in my heart) "In the same way I want to defend YOU". In an even greater way!! I was flabbergasted for a moment, and then began to really think on what that means. I know the Lord is our defender, I just have never believed He is my defender. In fact, I've never really believed Him about a lot of things He says He is to me. So I've never let Him defend me- when people make *sarcastic/ rude/ harsh* comments about my being pregnant again, when people sin against me, and mainly when Dustin sins against me, I take it upon myself to defend me. Either by just getting angry inside or by letting them know that I'm angry.

This was pretty huge. But not nearly the end. Later that week I was in Louisville visiting my mom, and I attended a bible study with her Thursday morning. The study she was doing was Jerry Bridges, Pursuit of Holiness. It was the first meeting, so the lady leading the study was just doing an introduction. She was an amazing speaker, and God used her words to just cut me straight in the heart. She spoke about the lack of the pursuit of holiness in the church today. The lack of desire for God's word & how this shows itself in our daily lives. In our lack of discipline, lack of conviction over sin, lack of discipline in our children even. She spoke how people excuse their sin by saying "it's the way I've always been" or "well, so-and-so did this to me". Wow. God immediately showed me my need to confess the sin of my horrible words to my husband. Showed me that it is sin whether or not Dustin sins against me first. And He showed me the reason I never wanted to discipline Gabbi is because of my own sin in my life. I didn't want to admit she was wrong by yelling "no" when she was provoked in the same way I didn't want to admit I was wrong by yelling "(whatever)" when I was provoked. I confessed all that to Dustin and he sweetly, immediately forgave me.

Then the warfare started. The lies. "How can you really be saved if you could go that long without a sensitivity to your sin?" That Sunday at church (still in Louisville), during the invitation the Pastor made some comment about "If you've always known about Christ, but never had a real relationship with Him........." and the lie slipped into my ear "you need to go forward, you don't really know Christ." From time to time I think every believer hears the same type of lies. But never this clearly for me. I began to believe them immediately, just like Eve. The next two weeks I agonized over these lies. Battling in my heart, "can I truly be saved???" The bible study I was in was Kay Arthur, teaching on the end times. Through the entire hour I was in utter despair, just knowing I would not meet Christ in the clouds but would stand before Him at the Great White Throne and be banished into Hell. Lies. Lies. Lies. I shared these thoughts with Dustin, and a couple of dear friends who all spoke truth over me and prayed much for me.

Some short time later, I read Numbers 14, where Moses sends the spies into the Promised Land. They come back, and only Joshua speak the truth. The others all say there is no way they can defeat the Canaanites & Israel believes them- instead of believing that God, who led them out of captivity in Egypt, fed them with Manna, caused water to spring forth from a rock, could help them defeat the Canaanites. So, they are punished for their unbelief. They must spend 40 more years in the wilderness where they die, and their children at first suffer for their unbelief, but then are able to enter the Promised Land. This passage spoke directly to me. Lord, I do not want my children to suffer for my unbelief. I began to beg Him to help me believe Him & the promises of His word.

Two weeks after the lies started (exactly), I had a huge breaking point. One of those that begins with a few simple tears that can't seem to stop and leads to uncontrollable sobbing. My poor husband, was taken aback because this came out of pretty much nowhere. I had reached the end, I had made up in my mind that there was no way I was a Christian & didn't know what to do about it, or really which end was up. After I had calmed down, the Lord spoke amazing words through Him. He told me he truly saw this fruit (which is what it comes down to: You know a tree by its fruit) in my life from all the Lord was doing in me and showing me over these past several weeks. He told me he noticed a huge difference in the way I spoke to him. Where before there was no remorse, and now, if I speak the slightest bit harshly to him I was immediately sorry. Then he asked me "Honey, do you hate your sin." I said, "Yes, everyday, I hate it." Then, all the things he had said really started to sink in, and I felt this little ray of hope.

The next day, was last Monday (the 23rd), I started reading John Piper's book, Battling Unbelief. This book I had bought months and months ago and was just now starting to read. Which is funny, the Lord's timing. Because I don't think if I had read this book when I first bought it, it would have had the affect on me the way it has now. My heart was just not ready. I could probably write a whole different *long* blog about just how the Lord has spoken to me in this book. But the main thing comes down to this. The sin He had just revealed to me is encompassed by a much larger thing- my sin of unbelief- which in encompassed in the sin of pride. I realized in the almost 4 years that I've been a believer, I don't think I've ever truly believed Him. So I thought I was just dealing with the sin of my words, when really, I'm a prideful, unbelieving, straying little lamb of His. Praise God!!! But through this He showed me a picture... Last Thursday. I do well with illustrations, so I apologize if you don't do well with illustrations.
I saw myself in this dark dungeon/ basement place & the filthiness of my sin surrounded me. I was covered in cobwebs & dust & ashes... helpless in bondage to my sin of unbelief. And here He comes- my Lord, my Deliverer, my Redeemer... peeling away the cobwebs & dusting off the ashes, bestowing on my a beautiful headdress, a crown. I realized on Saturday at the women's retreat this picture He showed me was completely a reference to Isaiah 61:1-3!

Our God is so great!!! I told Dustin and several other people this weekend, I haven't felt hope like this in I can't even remember how long. I feel freedom, and joy... and I just can't wait for what He is going to do next. I know this is a super long blog, but I couldn't refrain from sharing this with everyone. His grace is what sustains us each day. And He does answer our prayer... He is making all things new.