Baby is 4 Months!

Woohoo!

This is the longest so far I've been nursing any of my babies.. now we are in uncharted territory, but things are going well!

With all the excitement yesterday, I cannot fail to post that Charity Ruth is now 4 MONTHS OLD! This second picture I think is kinda funny with that expression, but until mom gets back and gets her fancy camera in action... it's the best we've got!

We don't have a checkup until October, so I'm not sure of her weight & stats... but I'd be willing to bet she's closer to 16lbs by now! She's the squishiest sweet baby ever. I just love all her rolls.

She hasn't quite rolled from back to tummy yet, but she's getting there. What she has done, though, is sat for moment by herself! She's starting to learn to prop herself up with her hands. I guess it's because she's got a big base to do this haha! I don't expect her to be sitting fully alone for a while, but this surprised me none the less.

Other than that, and her just continuing to be more & more alert there aren't too many more recent developments with Ruthie. She still is just an easy to please, happy baby!

Hopefully we'll get a good photo shoot soon & I'll be able to post some better, end of summer pics of all the girls.

Two Years Too Fast...

Caitlin Hope entered the world two years ago, September 1st at 11:22am.

She was 7lbs 1oz, a tiny thing and to this day still is. But what she "lacks" in size, she has always made up for in personality!

((catie & mommy: newborn snuggles))

((a treasured photo: catie & her *great,great,great* uncle robert. a precious man, adored by many, who passed away in march '11))

((5 month old catie-bug))

((easter '10: six months old))

((8 month old pasta lovin' catie))

((9 mons old))

*First Birthday Memories*

((15 months old))

((16 mons))

((18 months old))

((18 months old))

((20 months old))

*Second Birthday Fun*

Catie-bug loved waking up to a floor full of balloons. Unfortunately, she absolutely would not sit still on the floor long enough for me to get a picture of her surrounded by them. So the big smile will have to suffice. Today was Catie's day... I stayed up late last night catching up/ trying to get ahead on the daily chores so that today all my attention would be her's (and the other two of course). We spent the day playing, reading her favorite books, playing outside on the swing set & swimming in the pool, visiting with Aunt LaLa & cousin Ben, and watching a couple shows of *her* choice. We topped the day off with beans & rice for dinner. I know, not the dinner of a queen, but the dinner of Catie. She loves this dish (tied with Pizza as her favorite). Tomorrow night Dustin & I are taking her out on a birthday DATE while my sweet friend keeps the other two, where she will chow down on some pizza. And her birthday party will be next week, since Nana & Poppy are out of town this weekend.

Catie-bug is an absolute joy to everyone she meets. She is the silliest, sweetest, snuggliest two-year-old I know. Much more friendly than her sister was at this age... Catie will go to anyone with two arms to hold her. She is still quite attached to her paci (something Mommy needs to work on!) & her blankey & her Daddy (we hope this is the case for a long long time!). At home Catie is a totally different personality than when we're out. She's quite fiery. I love to joke that she has one volume & one speed: loud & fast. She has a temper, but has the softest heart at the same time. She loves her sisters. She's so attached to Gabbi that I don't know what she'd do without her. Someone asked me several weeks ago, "What does Catie like to do?" And to be quite honest, it took me a while to think of what *she* likes to do, because well, she likes to do whatever Gabbi is doing! She follows Gabbi around all day long.

Out in public, at parks or church, Catie is much more reserved. She'll sit & watch for a while, scoping our her surroundings, before she dives into play. I've heard on more than one occasion when picking her up from class at church "She just wanted me to hold her the whole time!" She's more quiet, and more of a "watcher"... I find this so interesting! I guess home is her comfort zone.

Catie is talking more & more. Unlike her sister, who practically came out speaking in complete sentences, this has been a slow (well, average) development. It's been fun witnessing this process, since I can't really remember a time when Gabbi was "learning" to talk. Now, if we could get the pacifier out of her mouth we would probably understand her more!

She loves to dance, jump, do "somies" (forward rolls), and unintentionally terrify her baby sister. Kidding. Ruthie loves to watch her run all over the place. Her new favorite thing to do is climb into the exersaucer since we got it back out, and go crazy... I guess she didn't quite get her fill the first year of her life. She loves books... particularly Sandra Boynton books. I love hearing her repeat "Blue Hat, Green Hat" by saying "oopth!" on every page then laughing hysterically. She also likes Dr. Suess's "Fox in Socks" when she can sit through the whole thing. "Let's Dance, Little Pookie" is another favorite. She loves to sing... or rather, be sung to. Her most often requested song is "This little light of mine". She holds up her finger and says "Shine! Shine!" She loves songs with hand motions.

We love our sweet Catie-Bug.

Couldn't imagine life without her & thank the Lord each day for the joy she brings to our life!!

HAPPY SECOND BIRTHDAY, BOO-BOO!!!

Changes...

My little waterbabies.

In the past I've prided myself on not being a "type A" personality.

I'm laid back. I am not a natural leader & canNOT make a decision. Even though my lack of decision making, I think, stems from a fear of man & secretly wanting to make everyone happy (not necessarily a good thing). I don't schedule. I'm so not a scheduler, nor am I organized. I've always been pretty go-with-the-flow, wherever the day takes us, nap/no nap, whatever.......

So three kids & no schedule, let me tell you how that's going for me... it's not.

Can you excuse me for a minute while I scream:::

AAaaHhhhHHHhhhhHHHHhh

Ok. Thanks :)

Now, I'll clarify by saying I'm not swinging to the other end of the pendulum and going "Babywise" on Baby Girl or anything. Gary Ezzo & I aren't friends. However, my big girls need some structure. So last week, in the midst of this crazy little corner called *my life* I sat down and wrote out a *tentative* daily schedule. Can you picture this? It's after lunch, I still haven't showered for the day & am fashionably sporting my new daily do of "bed head". My house looks like the bottom of a toaster, I finally have the 2 younger girls down for a nap, Gabbi is bouncing off the walls & I'm scrounging for whatever pen & paper I find laying around. Determined to, one day, create order in this home!

My fear of schedules is deep-rooted though. I have such a tendency toward legalism that I've grown to fear schedules. I've feared making ourselves a daily list of "tasks" that have to be accomplished. If said things aren't accomplished, I've created an avenue of false guilt for myself. I've done this in the past. But sitting around in our jammies watching NickJr till 11:30 isn't the answer either. Which is the pattern a new baby + excruciating hot summer creates. So finding that balance is my goal!

I'm supposed to have 2 years until Gabbi starts school... we don't do Mother's Day Out, or preschool or anything like that, but I have been wanting to start some preschool at home with her. As much as she wants to anyway- I don't want to squash her love of learning by trying to fit her into a mold. So I've already decided if preschool becomes a struggle we're going to stop. She does love to learn, though, & has enjoyed the little "school" sessions we've done the past week. If she does well with preschool this year, I see myself going ahead and starting Kindergarten a year ahead, next year.

I'm getting ahead of myself though... I put our "tentative schedule" into practice last week and we did great!! The TV was consistently off after Gabbi watched her show of choice at 8:30. Catie got her one choice of TV show later in the morning. She had "alone play" time while Gabbi and I did little "school" sessions- which mainly consisted of practicing her Awana verses, learning the days of Creation, and letter writing. It's good enough for now to get us into a little routine until we actually purchase a preschool curriculum when she turns 4 in October. In the afternoon is Gabbi's alone play time while Catie and I have some much needed one-on-one play time. I've realized the past few months my sweet girl has gotten lost in the chaos. I get alone time with Gabbi because she gets up earlier than Catie. I get plenty of quality time with Ruthie between breastfeeding & babywearing. My Catie-bug is just always awake when someone else is. I've realized this is something I need to be intentional about doing. I think she *might* be enjoying our quality time as much as I am... but maybe not ;)

The schedule will need some tweaking as Ruthie gets bigger and works herself into a routine. And when it gets a little cooler out we'll have daily outside play time. Right now, however, it is just too hot for all of us. There is zero shade in our yard & we (I guess by "we" I really mean "Mommy") just can't bear the heat. So a couple times a week is all we get right now. I'm also trying to integrate a weekly (meaning, same time every week) trip to the grocery store & Farmer's Market. Right now it's just been "I'll take what I can get" (whether that's after Dustin gets home after 6, or sunday nights at 9, or when mom happens to have the girls)...and same as cooking. I love to cook... but all these things falling into place have not been happening since our Baby entered our family. She seriously has shaken my world!!! And I have just not bounced back yet & found our new normal.

So here you have it. Our new normal is organization!!! It's just desperately needed with 3 little ones under 4... I'm finding my way. Any of my organized Mommy friends, please feel free to share your daily schedules or a tip for creating order in your home!

A few more pictures for your viewing pleasure :)

*somebody rolled over!*

*she is getting so big*

*little sweet face*

3 Months are gone already??

Charity Ruth

3 months old

8/1/11

It's hard to believe three months have already past. And yet, it feels like she's always been with us. Time is such a funny thing, isn't it? We wait & wait for something, and it seems like it's forever. Then we blink, and it's gone.

Ruthie is a precious baby girl. We love her more than words could express & couldn't imagine life without her. She's very loved by her big sisters as well. And she thinks they're the greatest things ever... she'll just smile and smile at them as long as they stand in front of her talking. I can't wait to see how their relationships grow as she gets bigger.

Ruthie sleeps through the night now, and has been since about 9 weeks old. She's still nursing well, but will take a bottle if we need her too: that's a blessing! She smiles, and coos, and her most recent development is rolling over (from tummy to back). She hasn't rolled from back to tummy yet, and I'm okay with that. I'm not ready for her first "steps" of mobility!! She will lie on her back and stare & coo at the ceiling fan: a favorite among many babies I think.

She really is a happy baby over all. She has typical spells of fussiness, but they're quickly resolved with food or sleep. She's the first ever thumb sucker of the Haddock children! Mommy couldn't be happier about this. I know many people have many different opinions on thumb sucking, but after having Catie and her major attachment issues with her pacifier, I'll take a self-soothing thumb sucker any day!

I'll end with some sweet shots I grabbed this afternoon:

*gotta love the drool*

*smiling through fingers*

*do you see the dimple? i love it!*

Charity Ruth, we love you & praise God for placing you in our lives. You are a blessing more than you will ever know. We continue to pray for God to give you a heart that knows His love, loves Him in return, and that will follow Him wherever He leads you.

Aunt Biddy vs. Nana

Has anyone ever had someone in their life- well, I'm sure we all have- that we'll call "Aunt Biddy". The member of the family you will never please. Always has something to say about your weight, your clothes, your hair, your life decisions, your parenting decisions, etc. She's very passive aggressive in her comments about said things. No matter how hard you try- or don't try, whatever- she has all the answers. You hate to ask her a favor because she'll let you know, ever so slyly, that it's a burden to her.

I have enough Aunt Biddys in my life to count on a hand.

I often feel like the black sheep of my family... the one who didn't finish college. The one who married a guy she barely dated. The one who had an oops-of-a- "honeymoon" baby & now just keeps "oops" having babies. I let my kids run around barefoot & I let them climb on the furniture. I had "so much going for me" and now I'm "just" a young mom.

Some people in my family think I'm irresponsible. Or crazy. Or both.

Then there's Nana... I have a Nana I adopted as my own a few years ago, Nana Betty. No matter what she loves me. She loves my kids and is overjoyed with each pregnancy. She sees the Lord's hand in my life- whether or not I make decisions she doesn't agree with, I would never know because she doesn't let me know. She accepts who I am for what I am. And accepts that the Lord has plans for me. I know I could ask anything of her. In the same way my mom is Nana to my girls. Just loves them, and while she doesn't let them get away with anything at her house & sometimes they wear her out, she always welcomes them with open arms. My girls are the apple of her eye.

Everyone needs a Nana in their life.

I never realized how the attitudes of members in your family can really shape your perspective of God the Father. We often have a view of God as an "Aunt Biddy"... we dread going to Him to ask things of Him because we feel as if He is frowning on us. Disappointed in us because of (fill in the blank). We feel like we let Him down, so how could we go to Him? We picture Him saying, with a big sigh," Yes, I'll give you grace to deal with your children today.... IF you do better than you did yesterday." I often feel God is disappointed in me because of decisions I've made in my life & parenting. If only I would have...., then maybe..... The truth is, this isn't TRUTH!

God MY Father is not just another member of my family frowning over me because I didn't graduate from college.

In her book Give Them Grace, Elyse Fitzpatrick writes:

The Lord isn't disappointed in you or in your parenting. He's not disappointed in your prayers. He doesn't treat His dear children as "disappointments" whose disobedience and failures take Him by surprise or shock Him. He does not suspend His love until they get their acts back together. He already knows the worst about you (in yourself) and loves and approves of you nonetheless (in Christ). Although your sin does grieve Him (Eph 4:30), he doesn't want you to keep your distance, sitting in a corner wearing a dunce cap until you learn your lessons. He invites you to come boldly in with joy and confidence, knowing that He is eager to embrace you. You, as a sinner who trusts His Son, Jesus, are able to do that because the Son prays and intercedes for you. The Father loves you.

Our prayer times with the Lord need change from visits with Aunt Biddy to family dinners with (Nana).

I love this reminder. I need this reminder.

He is my all loving Father who longs to show me grace. He waits to show me grace (Is 30:18).

Nothing surprises Him.

I do have confidence in my decisions. In where the Lord has brought me, so quickly, from a careless college student to Mommy of three. There is nothing I would change about my life, not even for the approval of all!

I greatly desire so much more for my daughters than the approval of friends, family, or the world. I pray I can show them they only need to gain the approval of One, and that there is only One Way to gain such approval. I pray my life models this conviction... If the Lord is my Father and He leads and guides every decision I make- or Dustin & I make... then what else matters???

The longings of the heart...

I had a "come to Jesus" moment with Gabbi this afternoon. I praise God for times when He shows me what is in my unregenerate children's hearts, although I don't always act in thankfulness.

Today we went to Chik-fil-a with Mom. It was great getting out of the house, even if on a rainy day. The rain and clouds held off the close-to-100 degree weather we were supposed to have, so that was nice. After lunch we went to walk around Target & buy some shoes for Catie-bug who has outgrown every pair of her shoes. No joke, we literally took her into Target bare-footed. Her sandals fit her on Sunday. And Monday I noticed her toes hanging off the ends. Growing girl!

Taking a group full of girls to the shoe section in any store is a sure fire way to reveal a covetousness heart- including my own. So there we are, can you picture it, trying on shoes for Catie as she pulls shoes off the shelf. Every size she grabbed was bigger, so she'd shove it in my face saying "sissy shoe. sissy shoe." All the while, Gabbi dances up and down the shoe isles making sure I'm well aware that she just LOVES this pair... no this pair... no she REALLY loves this pair... aren't they so pretty, Mommy??? ((sigh))

Well, they only had one pair and shoes in Catie's size so that made things slightly easier, and we moved onto the clothing section. We had no need to be in the clothing section really, I only wanted to show Mom the small rack of Minnie Mouse clothes I saw there on a previous trip- Catie loves Minnie :)

All the while Gabbi is asking for everything she sees. Everything. "I want this dress... Can we get this shirt?? Ooo no this one." The thing about it was, it didn't frustrate me. It didn't exasperate me. It only made me sad as I realized... am I any different?? Just because I don't verbalize my wants doesn't mean that the Lord doesn't see the depths of my heart as I walk through the store. I want everything I see. "Lord, I wish we could afford this... and this... Why can't I buy every pair of shoes down the isle? Ah, if only... Then I'd be happy." And what I lie that is!

"Gabbi, honey, we did not come to buy dresses. Catie needs shoes, that's the only reason we came," I explained.

"But I waaaaaaant iiiiiiiiit!!!!!!!" Breaking point. In my flesh, any other day, I would turn my head with the well known, "whose child is this?!?!" expression. But the Lord gave me such grace. He HAS shown me such grace, so I passed it on to Gabbi. I hugged her, and I admit, shed some tears as well. What could I say to her?? I was the exact same way. I prayed for God to show me how to address her.

Gabbi, do you know why you want everything you see? She nodded, "Because of my heart." Yes, honey, your heart is selfish and it's not satisfied. I know because I'm the same way. My heart is selfish and I want everything I see in the store too. But you know what? Jesus can satisfy our hearts and all our desires, and he is the only one who can. You know, honey, if Mommy bought you every pair of shoes you liked and all the pretty dresses in the store. If we took them home and filled your room with everything, you still wouldn't be satisfied because you haven't trusted Jesus to satisfy your heart. I'm the same way honey, but I trust Jesus to satisfy me, and He does. Will this dress make you happy? She nodded. No, honey, no it won't. This dress will not make you happy. You think it will right now because your heart is sinful, but it won't. What is the only thing that can truly make you happy? "Jesus." Yes, Baby, Jesus is the ONLY thing that will truly make you happy. Not this dress. Not all the pretty shoes. Nothing. Nothing will make you truly happy. Only Jesus. So let's ask Him to show you how dissatisfied you are without Him. Let's ask Him to satisfy both of our selfish hearts....

What a moment He gave me. I am so thankful for opportunities to see their sinfulness & point out clear examples of how Jesus can change them. After we prayed and we started to walk away, she did continue to cry.

I am not discouraged. It's only evidence that He has not changed her heart yet. I explained that her, that she was showing me she hadn't trusted Jesus yet. And I asked her over and over, "Will that dress make you happy?... No, only Jesus can make you happy."

I am well aware that my words cannot change her. I know I did not say all the right things, and maybe said some wrong things as far as anyone else is concerned... but it is not about what I say or do that will cause Jesus to change her heart.

In the same way nothing I said or did caused Him to change mine. He chose to out of the depths of His grace & mercy. It is that same grace & mercy I look to, and ask for on behalf of my children... and I wait....

I'm No Chef...

...no matter how hard I try.

This fact was proven yesterday at dinner.

I've never been able to cook beans. Our whole marriage I've tried a handful (or two) of times to cook dried beans. Pinto beans. Lentils. Black beans. Over & over. What happens is it takes at least twice as long as it's supposed to for them to cook for me. Every time I've tried to cook beans, we either eat dinner way late or we just throw something else together & eat what we were supposed to have for dinner, the next day.

Last night was no exception to the rule.

We are striving to eat all whole foods now, so I was determined to make beans work, as they are going to be a major part of our diet.

On the menu for last night was black bean tostadas. I even started dinner 45 minutes before I normally do in an effort to have it done around 6:00 when Dustin would get home. A few minutes before he was supposed to be walking in the door, I checked the black beans... not done. What in the world is going on???

Dustin came in while I was in the kitchen, picked the lid up to look at the beans & asked me about them.
"So what did you do?"

"Well, just as it said. Bring them to a boil & let them simmer for 50minutes.... It's been more like, 90 minutes."

"But you've turned them down, or has it been like this the whole time?"
"Just like that, you know, simmering."
He stuck his finger in the pot, "Babe, this isn't simmering. This is luke warm."

"Huh?"

"Simmering is a low boil."

"Ooohhh... really? I thought it was just--"

"Low?"

Well, uh, yeah... We both got a good laugh at that. Explains the bean problems I've had for the passed 5 years. Wow. Embarrassing.

He told me he wouldn't be sharing that story with anyone... but I'm able to laugh at myself.

Especially since the end result- although an hour late- was absolutely delicious.

Black bean tostadas

Black beans & Mexican brown rice with

Lime cabbage slaw::: raw cabbage & red onions, tossed in olive oil & fresh lime juice, sprinkled with salt & pepper,

on a baked corn tortilla,

Topped with avacado, salsa & sour cream

Another Mommy Moment

This morning Gabbi & Catie are playing "dinner party". Two little wooden chairs pulled up to their "table" (a laundry basket flipped upside down). While they have a perfectly good wooden Little Tikes table just in the next room, the laundry basket seems much more practical in their little minds I suppose. I do think it's cute how they'd rather pretend than use the real thing :)

This dinner party started off pretty, and turned ugly real quick- as most interactive play does these days. I played mediator for several minutes "Gabbi don't grab, just ask" "Catie, don't squeal and fuss, say please" "Catie, that one is Gabbi's right now" "Gabbi, let Catie play with this one" "Love each other. Love is kind." and so on....

Well, there comes a point in every Mommy's life (at least I hope every mommy) when enough is enough. And I just can't mediate all morning when there's heaps of laundry to fold. And my sanity honestly can't handle one more scream from sweet Catie-Bug. And... well... I just collect all the dinner party dishes in my hands and go put them back in the bucket in the bedroom.

In my frustration, sweet Gabbi still knows how to make me smile. She responded not with cries like I would expect from a preschooler, but with a big sigh of relief as she said: "This is helping very much!!"

I had to laugh. Glad she sees things my way!

I do just love my little ones.

I'm gonna miss these days...

You know, those days where all you really want to do is take a shower?

.........and finally you get a moment.

Baby is sleeping.

Big sisters have a snack and are currently being entertained by Sesame Street.

conditions. are. perfect.

GO!

Then with a head full of shampoo, well, errr- baking soda- the door opens and you hear "Mommy. I have to go potty." You peek around the curtain and see your well potty trained-or-so-you-thought 3 1/2 yr old standing there in the hallway in a puddle of pee. You call her into the bathroom to undress & get a towel to go cover her pee while you *try to* finish quickly just as you hear them--- tiny toddler feet running down the hallway and....

Yes.

It happened.

There lies Catie-bug.

In Gabbi's pee.

...and suddenly, your peaceful 10mins alone

are crowded by two others in worse need of bathing.

They get in the shower & you hop out for towels to dry them up, and clothes to get them dressed when you hear the inevitable::: Baby starts crying. So it's a *how fast can I possibly get this done* race to at least get a diaper on Catie & panties on Gabbi.

Ok. Not so bad. No one was hurt or scarred- except maybe Mommy.

Feed Baby.

Get a phone call.

Relay to friend the chaos of the morning.

No sooner do you finish that story, when the 20 month old dumps Big Sister's milk from breakfast all in Baby's car seat.

:::sigh:::

I'm gonna miss these day.

So how has it been adjusting to three? Well, some days (like those listed above) I just gotta laugh to keep from crying.

An extra set of hands would be nice.

And it's amazing how just one more child can make your home seem a thousand times smaller... I find myself daydreaming of a bigger home. Ugh discontentment. I hate it.

Laundry stays piles for days at a time, and the bathroom goes longer than I'd care to admit without being cleaned. My house is a wreck, but it's not *dirty*. My kids are in PJs most of the day, but they're loved.

Yeah my hands may be full.... but so is my heart.

The longest blog of my life... Ruthie's Birth Story

30 days young. My sweet baby girl.

I thought I'd finally take some time to share about her entrance into the world.

And that is my "warning"... only proceed in reading if such topics don't make you uncomfortable ;)

It's always been my desire to have my children naturally. However, with Gabbi we had the unfortunate experience of a horrible doctor combined with not being informed enough, which led to her being birthed by C-section. With Catie, I was so focused on being able to have a VBAC that I didn't prepare mentally or physically for a med-free birth. I wish I would have in hind-sight, seeing as how the epidural I caved in to only took on half my body. Her birth really did go well (and quickly) but my lack of preparation made it miserable.

This time around, I decided to truly become informed & prepare for the natural birth experience I have desired for 3+ years. A great friend of mine recommended I watch the documentary Business of Being Born- where my thoughts & ideas on birth were forever changed. I may write more on that topic sometime in the future. But in the mean time I want to suggest every Mommy, soon-to-be Mommy, or one-day-wants-to-be a Mommy to watch this movie... with an open mind. I feel that we, as women in the US, are terribly uninformed about the risks of all the intervention doctors perform.

Anyway, after watching the movie, I ordered Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way and read it, sharing much of it with Dustin along the way since he was going to be the one "coaching" me through the whole process. The movie, coupled with reading this book and one amazingly supportive husband, made me so much more at ease with what was inevitably going to happen. So often doctors here in the states look at childbirth as an illness, something that needs to be "treated", something that is dangerous and you need to be terrified of. Don't believe me? Just watch a few episodes of "A Baby Story" on TLC- something "tragic" is always happening lol.

(I will insert here that I am fully aware there are legitimate emergencies during childbirth. There are times when C-sections are honestly necessary. For those circumstances- those true emergencies- I am thankful for modern medicine.) These two things reminded me that childbirth is a natural thing, something our bodies were created to do, and it's nothing that you need fear. The Bradley Method taught me to not fight against contractions, no matter how painful, but to remind myself to work with them, relax through them, and to allow my body to do what it was made to do. Of course, Dr Bradley didn't put this anywhere in his "method", but everything constantly brought me back to the Lord. This is how He created me, what He created me to do, so I knew He would enable me to do it.

So I was ready. At 35 weeks I was starting to progress... and I was ready, just prayed she wouldn't come while Dustin was halfway around the world. Well, she didn't.

Dustin came home from a mission trip to Africa when I was 36 weeks... and I was ready.

I finished washing her clothes & ordering her cloth diapers right at 38 weeks... and I was ready.

Finally got her car seat installed at 39 weeks... and I was ready.

Then it came, April 22nd, her "due date"... and it left... I spent Easter Sunday pregnant, sporting the same maternity dress I wore 2 Easters ago when pregnant with Catie! I thought maybe she wanted to be an "Easter baby"... well, she didn't.

Week 41 came... and it left... and I made jokes about this stubborn girl not wanting to be born in April since that's when I told everyone she was coming. The entire week past her due date i spent taking warm baths in the evenings because I read the only thing that would truly help labor come is getting completely relaxed. So that's what I did. Dustin hardly allowed me to lift a finger once he got off work. He spoiled me with foot rubs & saw it as his duty to get me as comfortable as possible. Which, let's face it, is almost IMpossible 9+ months pregnant.

So we waited, and I prayed that God would grant me peace as I waited and began to get impatient. I prayed constantly for discernment and for Him to remind me if I was the one being stubborn in not letting my doctor induce me. I prayed he would honor my desire for no medical intervention... and prayed He would JUST MAKE HER COME!!!! (Yes, that "all caps" truly was the tone of many of my prayers.)

Then it was here, April 31st. I spent that Saturday morning toting both Gabbi & Catie- and my 9+ month pregnant belly to Gabbi's Weeball game since Dustin had to work for the first time in years. It was a stressful day to say the least. I was tired & frustrated and truly was not walking in the Spirit as I should have been. But as always, my husband was amazing, and encouraged me so much when he got home... even though I do know he was beginning to get anxious as well. We talked about going to my appointment Monday morning and letting my doctor know I was willing to be induced then. Was it really worth all the stress we were both under, and the physical pain I was feeling? After all, I could still (potentially) have a pain med-free birth even though I was induced. I took a bath again that night, and as I lay there I prayed, so tossed between my desire for no intervention and my desire for her to just COME! I prayed that if God saw fit, He would just allow her to come before my appointment Monday so I wouldn't even have to make a decision.
After my bath, I went and just laid on the couch. A friend called me around 10 and we talked for several minutes. During our conversation I had a couple contractions that just took my breath away a little... contractions were not abnormal for me, seeing as I had them since about 20 weeks! But this one was a bit painful. We hung up, and at 10:30 on the dot I had a tight pain all across my abdomen, worse than anything I had felt previously. I told Dustin, about it and remember saying "Maybe, just maybe, this is it???" He was pretty calm and said we'll just wait and see, and not to get my hopes up because I had several "Maybe this is it" moments the previous few weeks. Well, the contractions came consistently every 7 minutes for the next hour and a half. Some very painful, some not too bad, but I continued to just lay on the couch and try to relax. At midnight we decided to go on to bed and try to get some sleep, and also to see if it was the real thing. The previous times I had contractions consistently they just went away when I fell asleep. But these were much more intense and I pretty much knew there would be no rest for me. We tried though. Dustin maybe dozed off for 30 minutes. I got up to go to the bathroom several times, each time I got up the contractions intensified, and finally I told him this is it, they're getting worse, they're coming every five minutes, we should call my parents. I moved to the couch because I seemed to be more comfortable there earlier while Dustin got up and got things together, although we still thought it would be a while before we left for the hospital.

The Bradley Method describes labor in 3 emotional stages- 1st is excited. 2nd is serious. 3rd is the "I can't do this" phase. The signs to look for getting ready to go to the hospital are one: the 2nd "emotional" stage of labor, where the mom is very serious, very focused on the contractions. He says she won't be smiling or concerned about anything else going on around her. And two: when contractions are consistently 3 minutes apart. I never had either of those signs. When my parents got there, I was still talking to them between contractions, and asking Dustin to make sure "such and such" was in the bag. My contractions were never consistent. I'd have one or two that were 3 minutes apart, then 7 minutes, then 3 minutes, then 5 minutes. So Dustin kept saying "I just don't think we're ready to go." And while the contractions were intense, and no kidding, the most painful thing I've ever endured.... it wasn't unbearable. To be honest, I kept waiting for them to get worse. As long as I laid there, not moving, on the couch I think I could've handled them for a long while. But I didn't have to... around 2:15 I got up to use the bathroom and the shakes came over me. I wasn't cold, but my body was shaking uncontrollably like I had the chills. I called Dustin to come to me and told him, I think I remember reading your body begins to shake when you go into transition (7-10cm)... but couldn't totally remember. We were trying to think it out when I had another contraction and finally said, "OK, we need to go."

We arrived at St Mary's around 3am... the longest drive to the hospital in my life. There is no getting comfortable or relaxing through contractions in the car. When we pulled in, I admitted that I didn't know if I could do it. If they offer me the epidural, I just may need to take it. Dustin encouraged me that he knew I could... and I remember our previous many conversations about "no means no"... basically, I told him not to let me cave and he said he wouldn't.

When we got into triage, I prayed to be at least 5cm. Please be at least 5cm. The nurse checked me, then said, "Well, we're going to get you into a room because you're... uh, 9 centimeters!" My mom and Dustin gasped with excitement while I became terrified instantly. There's no option now for the epidural, and I am not prepared to push this girl out!

The next hour in the room went by so fast. I was laying there working through the worst part of labor as people were running in and out getting ready for delivery. The doctor came in- mine was out of town so Dr Edmonds delivered her, she actually has delivered a few of my friends' babies. I was so pleased with her, actually like her better than my own doctor. So that truly was from the Lord. When Ruthie dropped and I was ready to push, she just let me stay how was comfortable for me. The next couple minutes were the most intense and indescribable pain of my life- but considering I only pushed through two contractions versus the near 45mins I did with Catie, I prefer the pain. In no time she was here, wailing her way into the world at 4:21am after not even 6 hours of hard labor.

I am so thankful for the Lord's sovereignty and providence over every stage of my pregnancy and delivery. His grace has- and continues- to sustain me. He answered my prayers, granted me the desire of my heart, and has given me more than I can ever imagine- in the blessing of an amazing husband & 3 beautiful daughters. Life is... different... these days. It's been an emotional ride these past 4 weeks, but I love being a mommy. I love my girls & all that comes with taking care of them! I thank God for what a responsibility I have and pray I'll bring Him much glory through my motherhood- and that in turn my daughters will bring Him much glory in their lives as well. After all, that is the chief end of our existence.

The long overdue, but never too late INTRODUCTION....

of

Charity Ruth (Ruthie)

Our sweet daughter was born three weeks ago on May 1, 2011 at 4:21am.

She weighed in at 8lbs 9oz and was 20inches long.

Her big sisters (along with her Daddy & I) could not have been happier!

*going home the next day*

*sweet baby feet*

*four days old*

37 weeks.... and counting!

They say Baby is about the size of a watermelon... and I would not argue!!

Definitely getting a bit more anxious and ready for her to get here. I have officially begun to "waddle" and feel like a cow. Ha! I'm perpetually uncomfortable... I signed up for all this. Expected all this. Not complaining about any of it. She is worth every sleepless night, every bit of heart burn, every ache & pain. However, what I was not expecting nor did I signed up for was pulling a muscle!!! I pulled a muscle two nights ago while putting on my pants. Yes, I said putting on my pants. Wow. I'm that huge. I don't know what muscle, but it's somewhere around where my right leg connects to my hips. Really low, where all my excess 30lbs sits. Paaaaainful! I try to rest & it starts to feel better, but going up and down the stairs (something that I cannot get around doing) gets it hurting all over again. Even when I'm laying down or sitting it hurts to move my right leg. I (sadly) have to literally take my hands and move my leg with my hands. Crazy! But... what can I do? It will all be over soon.

Went to the doctor yesterday. I'm still *not quite* 1cm dilated, but she did notice I'm progressing in other ways. That's good news! This is the soonest with either of them I've ever had changes. I'm not the biggest fan of my doctor, which I really hate to say. I loved her with Catie since she was willing to let me have a vbac. But this time around I've noticed more things I dislike. She's very "by the book" as far as "modern medicine" goes, (you know, all the interventions and everything) and I just tend to want to do things more..... naturally. She wants to induce me so bad she can't stand it- and has brought it up the past 3 appointments. I guess it really is rare anymore that someone actually does want to go into labor on their own. Who would want to wait when the doctor is willing to induce you a week before your "due date"? Well... me :) It took a little convincing to even get her to let me go up to two weeks past my "due date" to induce me, if it comes down to that. I don't think I'll have to worry about it though, Catie came one day before her's.

Seriously going all crazy and wanting a home birth next time around. Yes. It's true. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there!!

Anyway, here's my little survey thing for 37 weeks:

Weight Gain/Loss: right at 31lbs this last appt I think
Maternity Cloths? Of course!
Gender: A third little princess!
What I Miss: Being comfortable. Any Mommy knows that point in pregnancy where you're just not comfortable. No matter what. Ever.
Weekly Wisdom: 36 weeks pregnant is not most ideal time for your hubby to go on a mission trip to the other side of the world :) That being said, it was the Lord's will and I would never want to undo that.... just not "ideal".
Milestones: officially full-term!

Sleep? sleeping better since Dustin has been home. Just not very comfortably.
Energy?: I've had more lately. I wish my body could keep up with my energy actually! I've been getting a lot done... blame it on "nesting" hehe
Excercise?: nope. haven't seen this since the 1st trimester but am SO looking forward to getting back to the gym!
Movement?: oh yes! Dustin and I both felt her so much the other night it was sweet. I actually *think* I can make out when I feel a foot or an arm or leg. She rolls around a lot, but is running out of room!
Food cravings?: Still coke & ice. Also, random, but white cheddar cheese puffs (ew, I know). I usually buy the Cheetos baked natural brand. Or this "all-natural" brand called Pirates Booty. I bought them for the girls when they were on sale a few weeks ago, and seriously ate pretty much the whole bag by myself.
What I'm looking forward to:? her being here!! holding her, seeing what she looks like, that newborn baby smell, mmmm :)
Preparations:? I've been doing a lot this past week. A few people have bought her some outfits for summer. I've gone through our newborn clothes & pulled out what she can use. Washed them *there's not a whole lot better than the smell of baby clothes freshly washed in Dreft :)* I've moved Catie into Gabbi's room (except for sleeping- she's such a good sleeper I'm scared to do that!). I've ordered some smaller sized cloth diapers for her & gotten them washed and ready. We've done a deep-clean of our bedroom (it's needed it! Our bedroom seems to be what's always put on the back-burner!), preparing to put the baby bed up tomorrow. Got the car seat out & washed it up. And altogether, I've just been staying more on top of things: laundry, keeping toys put in their places, vacuuming, everything. Which, truly has been good of me since I'm neither neat nor organized. Just really want to keep everything under control because she could come at any time. Still to do: pack hospital bag, pack diaper bag, put the car seat in the van & put up the bed (which should be done by tomorrow).
Best Moment this week:? Dustin coming home Sunday!! Oh my goodness, best moment ever!!!

...pour out your hearts...

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. Selah."

Psalm 62:8

Have really been *trying to be* practicing this verse this week. Especially pouring out my heart to Him... oh goodness has He had an "ear full" from me this week!! It's good though. I need that. He desires that. I'm thankful for how trying this week has been. How emotionally & physically exhausting it's been. I'm learning to trust Him & pour out my heart to Him... I want to continue to practice these things even when Dustin gets home. I've been completely and utterly dependant on the Lord this week... I don't want to go away just because I have Dustin back again.

That being said, his flight is delayed & they'll most likely miss their connection flight. I'm trying to be okay with this. They are supposed to be home at 6:30 tomorrow, but I had already prepared myself for them being home tomorrow night... now that that is looking like a reality, I'm definitely needing to pray through it!

Pray with me/ for me... please... it has been such a long week.

Satisfied in Him alone...

I will glory in my Redeemer
Whose priceless blood has ransomed me
Mine was the sin that drove the bitter nails
And hung Him on that judgment tree
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who crushed the power of sin and death
My only Savior before the Holy Judge
The Lamb Who is my righteousness
The Lamb Who is my righteousness

I will glory in my Redeemer
My life He bought, my love He owns
I have no longings for another
I’m satisfied in Him alone
I will glory in my Redeemer
His faithfulness my standing place
Though foes are mighty and rush upon me
My feet are firm, held by His grace
My feet are firm, held by His grace

I will glory in my Redeemer
Who carries me on eagle’s wings
He crowns my life with lovingkindness
His triumph song I’ll ever sing
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who waits for me at gates of gold
And when He calls me it will be paradise
His face forever to behold
His face forever to behold
His face forever to behold


© 2001 Sovereign Grace Worship (ASCAP).

I think those are some of the most beautiful lyrics I've ever heard. I've been unable to stop listening to this song ever since yesterday afternoon on the way to church. It's one of Dustin's favorites, and to be honest I've never listened to the lyrics too closely.

I'd love to say I'm doing great since he's been gone... but this being here without him is SO HARD! Maybe the hardest thing I've ever done. And the Lord has just really spoken to me through this song. Between this & the sermon last night & praying for Dustin and the W.A. team, the truth of the gospel & what happened on the cross is just playing over and over again in my mind.

My only Savior before the Holy Judge......

I want to be able to sing the second verse as truth in my life. His faithfulness to be my standing place, especially this week, when honestly there have been moments I just want to lay in bed and sleep until he gets home. (I'm pathetic, I know).

I have no longings for another, I'm satisfied in Him alone....

Satisfied in Christ alone. In His presence in my life. With His company alone. Not satisfied in Dustin being home, here, "safe", able to call him whenever I want.

I know it's okay to miss my husband. And obviously I do, terribly. This is the first time in our marriage we've been apart like this. Saturday was the first day in over 4 1/2 years where we did not talk at all. So it's going to be hard, I know that. I don't think it's wrong for me to miss him like I do. I just don't want to miss what the Lord has for me this week. What He wants to teach me and to show me in this.

You are welcome to pray for me if you think about it :)

And pray our baby doesn't decide she wants to come this week!

Challenged to Love

We went to friends' house for dinner this evening with all my family. My brother & his wife are in town this weekend- and that's been fun. We were able to get out just the four of us. We had lunch & ran around town while my mom & dad kept the girls. It was nice to hang out like that, it's not often (never, really) that it happens!

On the way home Dustin and I got into a conversation-not long, not in too much depth, but still a good conversation. We were talking about this couple the Lord has placed in our lives, and how God has drastically changed his heart toward the husband.

He said to me: "You know, he still drives me crazy, but the Lord has really given me a love for him... I legitimately consider him a friend." I just thought that was amazing, and told him so. We really give credit completely to God, and how He has the power to change our hearts. I told Dustin how I remember two years ago, honestly, he couldn't stand him. He's just one of those guys that everything about him rubbed Dustin the wrong way... and me too. Same with his wife. Dustin brought that up, saying "Now, (his wife), I'm not so sure of... You know, I don't really know her."

I admitted to how I still struggle with both of them, really. I know God places people in our lives that our difficult to love for a reason. To make us more like him... Because I know I'm difficult to love!! But I just see my husband's heart, how the Lord has changed it completely, and it truly challenges me. It caused me to be honest with myself and him as I said, "You know, the reason I have a hard time with (her) is because she just so different... just kind of weird, and she's just so immature." Saying it out loud was almost embarrassing- even though only Dustin was listening. Before I had a chance to say anything else, he cut in:

"I know it's hard to enter into a relationship knowing you're not going to get anything out of it... at least for a long time. It really challenges our selfishness."

Wow. Praise the Lord I have a husband who oh so gently, but confidently, points out my sin to me. Even though he told me later, he wasn't saying that directed at me, but to himself. I didn't say much, if anything, after that and was pretty quiet the rest of the way home thinking about things.

Do I really only pursue relationships with people when I think I will get something out of it? Even if my motives are good-- I see someone who may be further along than me spiritually, and I want glean from them. Or another mom who has kids older than mine, and I think I can learn things from her. Or someone I notice I have a lot in common with, and I think we'll have a good time together. These are good things.

But when someone is "hard to love"? I know I have absolutely nothing in common with them. They are seemingly less mature than I am. They have a different sense of humor, or different parenting ideas, or they're at a different place spiritually... Do I always shy away because this relationship doesn't seem to have much, if anything, to offer me?

If I'm being honest with myself. With the Lord. With you.... Yes. I do.

How unlike my Savior?!?!

So when I went to bed tonight (or last night, it's 4 in the am right now & I am wide awake), I was talking to Dustin, then praying as I was falling asleep, that I just don't know what this means. What do I do with this conviction? Where do I go from here? What does it look like to love someone or pursue relationship with those who seemingly "don't have anything to offer" me?

I guess -one of the things- I fear about befriending certain people is that they'll end up being "that person" who is calling/ texting you constantly, stop by unannounced, or just seem to not have a comprehension of boundaries... I don't know if that makes sense to some people, or if any of you have ever experienced someone like that... I have in the past. I told Dustin I'm afraid of turning into someone who just can't say "no". He understood, then gently reminded me, "But honey, your problem right now is that you can't say yes." ::sigh:: Then he went on about how sweet the Lord is to pursue me. How He loves me just way too much to leave me like I am... in sin.

.......Don't I just have the greatest husband?

So I asked the Lord to show me what all this looks like in His Word. Then when I woke up in the middle of the night, unable to fall back asleep, I came out here in the living room... and He showed me.

"If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful."

Luke 6:27-36

I know that the context here when Jesus is talking about lending, expecting nothing in return is not referring to relationships, but I still find it appropriate in this case. I mean, He is also speaking about love. I think back to before I knew Christ and then to now, and see this is an area of my life that has remained unchanged. This is definitely an area where I do not look like Christ. Love. I do not love well. And isn't it the greatest commandment? Oh Father, forgive me.

My footnote says: Reciprocity is insufficient, because even sinners practice reciprocity. And "you will be sons" does not mean "you will become sons" but "you will demonstrate that you are sons" by imitating God's care and compassion even for those who are evil.

So to answer my own question: What does it look like to love someone or pursue relationship with those who seemingly "don't have anything to offer" me? ...It looks like Jesus.

If I am only loving those who love me, who offer me something, how does that at all resemble my Father in Heaven- Who loves me & gave Himself for me when I had & still have absolutely nothing to offer Him! It doesn't.

And I say I have these "fears"... but they are really just excuses, let's be honest. If I had any legitimate fears I only need to be reminded that "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear" 1 John 4:18.

So here I am. Praying God will please mold my heart to look like His, praying He will enable me to love. He has shown me what He commands, now I'm waiting upon Him to give me to the ability to do what He commands...

18 Months Young!

On Tuesday, our sweet Cate-Bug (or "Catie-BooBoo" as she's also been affectionately called) turned 18 months! I just can't get over how quickly time goes by. When she was a baby, she was so tiny & dainty, it just seemed like she was always going to be a baby. I know that may sound odd, but other Mommies know what I'm talking about I'm sure. And now, she's about to have a baby sister of her own! She won't be "the baby" of the family anymore, which I still can't get past in my mind. I wanted to post a picture from last year, just for fun & to see how much she's grown.

This is Catie the day she turned 6 months old, 3/1/10:

She was always so easy to make smile.

Last week, a friend of mine posted on Facebook: "How is it possible for a baby to be so precious and so rotten at the same time!" I laughed, because that is Catie in a nutshell. She has always been the absolute sweetest baby. Not that Gabbi wasn't a sweet baby, she was, and still is such a sweet girl... but Catie has such a different personality, like I've posted in previous blogs. She's been much more timid, much more attached to me, much more snuggly... just a "sweet" personality.

The past few months though, she's come out of her shell just a little bit more. Her "fiery" side has shown. And although she's had a more sweet & tender personality than Gabbi... she's also been a bit more... "rotten". It has truly caught me off guard how different my two girls are, and I've been learning how different children do need different things in the way of discipline & instruction. Learning. I definitely do not have it figured out yet.

When Catie does not get her way, or if I have to take something away from her she shouldn't have, she really will scream and stomp her way around the living room, or wherever we are, pitching a little fit. At first I was so shocked (because this is honestly something Gabbi did not do) it made me laugh a little... it's something we are "working on" though. Along with her little fits, she likes to tackle her sister. Maybe because Gabbi has done this to her in the past? Well, she definitely thinks she owns the place & if something, or someone, is in her way she just steps on it, over it, or tackles it.... to the ground. She's so feisty- and it's really only come out the past few months. Maybe it's just because she's had to be to keep up with Gabbi, since Gabbi's not always the easiest person to play with :) She just knows exactly what she wants, and will let you know when she doesn't have it!

She's super super attached to her paci & blankey.

She loves food & it's starting to show! She's turning into a little chunk! Gabbi was so tiny, and still in size 12month clothes until she was about 20 months old. Catie is pretty average... and chunky :) We'll go to the doctor tomorrow to find out her weight/ percentile.

The funny thing is, Dustin & I have noticed, she doesn't seem to like carbs (weirdo, right? hehe). She doesn't eat bread or rolls very well. She doesn't eat waffles well. She seems to pick the toppings off of pizza without eating the crust. She'll eat crackers if she's really hungry while waiting on something else at a restaurant. But otherwise, she just doesn't eat bread or carbs

She has little to no interest in TV, which is also the polar opposite of her sister who would sit on the couch and watch TV the entire day if I let her.

She is starting to say more words, some of which are: Mommy, Daddy (of course), Nana, Poppy, Babbi (Gabbi), Sissy, paci (which is her word for both her paci & her blankey), puppy, ball, cup, cracker, ease (please), up, baby... she has really just started talking. She's been almost silent for a long time. Besides words, she's also speaking that "jibberish" that toddlers do right before they take off talking. It's fun to listen to.

She is very much a Daddy's Girl, but if I had to choose, I'd say Gabbi is her favorite person. She absolutely adores Gabbi. The first thing she says in the morning when I get her out of the crib, without fail, is "sissy... sissy... sissy". She always has to have her morning snuggles from Gabbi before she starts playing. And of course, she wants to do everything Gabbi does! It's so sweet how much she loves her and how her face literally lights up when Gabbi walks into the room. It absolutely melts my heart. I truly hope & pray she will always love her so much, and their love will grow as they grow... all 3 of them :)

Loneliness: but for a season.

I desire to be transparent & open in my blogs. Transparent, not just for the sake of being transparent, or in any manipulative way for some sort of special attention. But I want to be open with my readers (however few or many in number) about my struggles, my walk with the Lord, and the seasons of my life He is leading me through. I want to encourage people on their unique walks with Christ... and to lay it out there for those who feel led to pray for or encourage me in mine. I also desire to be open because I love having this blog to look back on in the future. I've kept it off and on for four years or more, and it's already been a blessing to see the path God's taken me on. A journal to chronicle His faithfulness... and, Lord willing, to encourage sisters (and brothers?) in Christ.

With all that being said... yesterday was a rough day. Really, it was mostly all me and just a battle in my mind. I was just down & discouraged & frustrated for a number of reasons. The girls had nothing to do with any of it... Gabbi was actually in a great mood all day. Maybe it was the weather. Maybe it was because I didn't get much sleep the night before. Maybe it was because I've been sick. Maybe it was a combination of the three. I can't really say, because I have a "bad day" like that about once a week.

All I can figure is it's the season I'm in right now. It all started back during the summer, God was just doing some huge things in my life. If you haven't read this post from August, you can. Since then, however, I've been... just... lonely. I recognized this loneliness almost immediately, but was absolutely content with it. The Lord drew me closer to Himself -and sort of away from people- to gently point out several things to me. Things I know I otherwise wouldn't hear if some really intimate relationships I had were still just as close. But He hasn't restored intimacy and closeness with some of these old friends... or new ones... or anything. I feel disconnected. I want to add a "side note" here that there was no falling out, no arguments, nothing that would cause dissension between myself or anyone else. Just a... drifting, I guess.

Anyway, over the past several months I've had ups and downs between having my feelings hurt about things and being perfectly happy & content with where I'm at. I've realized things about myself. I'm typically a "pursuer" in a relationship. I usually make phone calls to catch up with people, suggest "hey let's get together", organize things, etc. This is not patting myself on the back, this is just my personality. I'm outgoing. I love people & to socialize. My first year of motherhood, I say I was not a "stay-at-home mom", I was a "non-working mom"--- because Gabbi & I were never actually at home. I'm not proud of that by any means. I do need to be home, and I'm glad I've found balance since then. But I've learned with most (not all) people that if I don't call, we won't talk. And realizing this is where my struggle comes in.

Last night Dustin and I had great talk... for a little while. He encouraged me, prayed for me, then fell asleep. See, I should no better after 4 years of marriage than to begin long, intimate discussions with him when we're lying down in bed. He falls asleep almost as soon as his head hits the pillow... when my head hits the pillow, worlds of thoughts open up. So last night I was doing good to get a little conversation out of him. But he fell asleep when I was still wanting to talk, and I got my feelings hurt.

I laid there. I cried. I prayed. I cried. Some thoughts I had were definite pity party, some legitimate. But as I was praying, I was just confessing and crying out about the loneliness I've been feeling. I thought, even my own husband doesn't want to talk, I even have to be the one pursuing conversation with him! It seems like months since I've had a real, non-surfacey conversation with a sister-in-Christ. It's probably been a year since I've felt true, genuine fellowship with a group of women. Lord, I just want fellowship. I just want someone to pour my heart out to. And I don't want to be the one pursuing it. I want someone to pursue friendship with me............. then I stopped. What do you think I am doing? The Lord answered me so very clearly.

Then, conviction. At first, I loved & cherished the season I was in because I knew God was doing a work in me. I knew He needed to draw me apart & to Himself to do this work in me that only He could do. I knew He wanted me to call to Him, cry to Him (not pick up the phone or drive to a friend's house) when I had something I needed advice about or just wanted to share. I was filled with joy at His drawing me. Content.

Over the months, my thoughts and actions have shown my heart in the matter. I only want the Lord's friendship & comfort until I become dissatisfied. When I say "OK, enough is enough" then I expect other friendships to come in the picture. God just isn't "enough" anymore. Discontentment.

But He's not finished with me... Clearly, there is still so much work to be done. I'm encouraged. I need to be in the Word and having the Spirit daily fill me. I need to continue seeking Him, listening to Him, to hear Him in what He wants to say to me. I need to wait upon Him.

This season has not been all bad- just harder on my weak flesh the longer it has gone on. It has been so good though, so eye opening. And I thank God for He alone is the One who opens my eyes. But Dustin and I have grown closer through this time. He is so sweet. A few months ago I was crying to him about some of these very things, and he looked at me, wiped my tears and said: "But Baby, I am your best friend." And it's true. I think I would have said that at any point in our marriage, "oh yes, of course, my husband is my best friend." But it hasn't been until recently that I've truly believed & felt it. Even still though, I'm prayerfully cautious to not put Dustin in a place in my heart that only the Lord deserves. He is my true Husband. My true Prince. My true Love.

And I long to know Him deeper....

Psalm 25:5 "Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all the day long."

Psalm 63:1 "O God, You are my God; earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You; my flesh faints for You, as in a dry and weary land were there is no water."