Changes...

My little waterbabies.

In the past I've prided myself on not being a "type A" personality.

I'm laid back. I am not a natural leader & canNOT make a decision. Even though my lack of decision making, I think, stems from a fear of man & secretly wanting to make everyone happy (not necessarily a good thing). I don't schedule. I'm so not a scheduler, nor am I organized. I've always been pretty go-with-the-flow, wherever the day takes us, nap/no nap, whatever.......

So three kids & no schedule, let me tell you how that's going for me... it's not.

Can you excuse me for a minute while I scream:::

AAaaHhhhHHHhhhhHHHHhh

Ok. Thanks :)

Now, I'll clarify by saying I'm not swinging to the other end of the pendulum and going "Babywise" on Baby Girl or anything. Gary Ezzo & I aren't friends. However, my big girls need some structure. So last week, in the midst of this crazy little corner called *my life* I sat down and wrote out a *tentative* daily schedule. Can you picture this? It's after lunch, I still haven't showered for the day & am fashionably sporting my new daily do of "bed head". My house looks like the bottom of a toaster, I finally have the 2 younger girls down for a nap, Gabbi is bouncing off the walls & I'm scrounging for whatever pen & paper I find laying around. Determined to, one day, create order in this home!

My fear of schedules is deep-rooted though. I have such a tendency toward legalism that I've grown to fear schedules. I've feared making ourselves a daily list of "tasks" that have to be accomplished. If said things aren't accomplished, I've created an avenue of false guilt for myself. I've done this in the past. But sitting around in our jammies watching NickJr till 11:30 isn't the answer either. Which is the pattern a new baby + excruciating hot summer creates. So finding that balance is my goal!

I'm supposed to have 2 years until Gabbi starts school... we don't do Mother's Day Out, or preschool or anything like that, but I have been wanting to start some preschool at home with her. As much as she wants to anyway- I don't want to squash her love of learning by trying to fit her into a mold. So I've already decided if preschool becomes a struggle we're going to stop. She does love to learn, though, & has enjoyed the little "school" sessions we've done the past week. If she does well with preschool this year, I see myself going ahead and starting Kindergarten a year ahead, next year.

I'm getting ahead of myself though... I put our "tentative schedule" into practice last week and we did great!! The TV was consistently off after Gabbi watched her show of choice at 8:30. Catie got her one choice of TV show later in the morning. She had "alone play" time while Gabbi and I did little "school" sessions- which mainly consisted of practicing her Awana verses, learning the days of Creation, and letter writing. It's good enough for now to get us into a little routine until we actually purchase a preschool curriculum when she turns 4 in October. In the afternoon is Gabbi's alone play time while Catie and I have some much needed one-on-one play time. I've realized the past few months my sweet girl has gotten lost in the chaos. I get alone time with Gabbi because she gets up earlier than Catie. I get plenty of quality time with Ruthie between breastfeeding & babywearing. My Catie-bug is just always awake when someone else is. I've realized this is something I need to be intentional about doing. I think she *might* be enjoying our quality time as much as I am... but maybe not ;)

The schedule will need some tweaking as Ruthie gets bigger and works herself into a routine. And when it gets a little cooler out we'll have daily outside play time. Right now, however, it is just too hot for all of us. There is zero shade in our yard & we (I guess by "we" I really mean "Mommy") just can't bear the heat. So a couple times a week is all we get right now. I'm also trying to integrate a weekly (meaning, same time every week) trip to the grocery store & Farmer's Market. Right now it's just been "I'll take what I can get" (whether that's after Dustin gets home after 6, or sunday nights at 9, or when mom happens to have the girls)...and same as cooking. I love to cook... but all these things falling into place have not been happening since our Baby entered our family. She seriously has shaken my world!!! And I have just not bounced back yet & found our new normal.

So here you have it. Our new normal is organization!!! It's just desperately needed with 3 little ones under 4... I'm finding my way. Any of my organized Mommy friends, please feel free to share your daily schedules or a tip for creating order in your home!

A few more pictures for your viewing pleasure :)

*somebody rolled over!*

*she is getting so big*

*little sweet face*

Aunt Biddy vs. Nana

Has anyone ever had someone in their life- well, I'm sure we all have- that we'll call "Aunt Biddy". The member of the family you will never please. Always has something to say about your weight, your clothes, your hair, your life decisions, your parenting decisions, etc. She's very passive aggressive in her comments about said things. No matter how hard you try- or don't try, whatever- she has all the answers. You hate to ask her a favor because she'll let you know, ever so slyly, that it's a burden to her.

I have enough Aunt Biddys in my life to count on a hand.

I often feel like the black sheep of my family... the one who didn't finish college. The one who married a guy she barely dated. The one who had an oops-of-a- "honeymoon" baby & now just keeps "oops" having babies. I let my kids run around barefoot & I let them climb on the furniture. I had "so much going for me" and now I'm "just" a young mom.

Some people in my family think I'm irresponsible. Or crazy. Or both.

Then there's Nana... I have a Nana I adopted as my own a few years ago, Nana Betty. No matter what she loves me. She loves my kids and is overjoyed with each pregnancy. She sees the Lord's hand in my life- whether or not I make decisions she doesn't agree with, I would never know because she doesn't let me know. She accepts who I am for what I am. And accepts that the Lord has plans for me. I know I could ask anything of her. In the same way my mom is Nana to my girls. Just loves them, and while she doesn't let them get away with anything at her house & sometimes they wear her out, she always welcomes them with open arms. My girls are the apple of her eye.

Everyone needs a Nana in their life.

I never realized how the attitudes of members in your family can really shape your perspective of God the Father. We often have a view of God as an "Aunt Biddy"... we dread going to Him to ask things of Him because we feel as if He is frowning on us. Disappointed in us because of (fill in the blank). We feel like we let Him down, so how could we go to Him? We picture Him saying, with a big sigh," Yes, I'll give you grace to deal with your children today.... IF you do better than you did yesterday." I often feel God is disappointed in me because of decisions I've made in my life & parenting. If only I would have...., then maybe..... The truth is, this isn't TRUTH!

God MY Father is not just another member of my family frowning over me because I didn't graduate from college.

In her book Give Them Grace, Elyse Fitzpatrick writes:

The Lord isn't disappointed in you or in your parenting. He's not disappointed in your prayers. He doesn't treat His dear children as "disappointments" whose disobedience and failures take Him by surprise or shock Him. He does not suspend His love until they get their acts back together. He already knows the worst about you (in yourself) and loves and approves of you nonetheless (in Christ). Although your sin does grieve Him (Eph 4:30), he doesn't want you to keep your distance, sitting in a corner wearing a dunce cap until you learn your lessons. He invites you to come boldly in with joy and confidence, knowing that He is eager to embrace you. You, as a sinner who trusts His Son, Jesus, are able to do that because the Son prays and intercedes for you. The Father loves you.

Our prayer times with the Lord need change from visits with Aunt Biddy to family dinners with (Nana).

I love this reminder. I need this reminder.

He is my all loving Father who longs to show me grace. He waits to show me grace (Is 30:18).

Nothing surprises Him.

I do have confidence in my decisions. In where the Lord has brought me, so quickly, from a careless college student to Mommy of three. There is nothing I would change about my life, not even for the approval of all!

I greatly desire so much more for my daughters than the approval of friends, family, or the world. I pray I can show them they only need to gain the approval of One, and that there is only One Way to gain such approval. I pray my life models this conviction... If the Lord is my Father and He leads and guides every decision I make- or Dustin & I make... then what else matters???

I'm gonna miss these days...

You know, those days where all you really want to do is take a shower?

.........and finally you get a moment.

Baby is sleeping.

Big sisters have a snack and are currently being entertained by Sesame Street.

conditions. are. perfect.

GO!

Then with a head full of shampoo, well, errr- baking soda- the door opens and you hear "Mommy. I have to go potty." You peek around the curtain and see your well potty trained-or-so-you-thought 3 1/2 yr old standing there in the hallway in a puddle of pee. You call her into the bathroom to undress & get a towel to go cover her pee while you *try to* finish quickly just as you hear them--- tiny toddler feet running down the hallway and....

Yes.

It happened.

There lies Catie-bug.

In Gabbi's pee.

...and suddenly, your peaceful 10mins alone

are crowded by two others in worse need of bathing.

They get in the shower & you hop out for towels to dry them up, and clothes to get them dressed when you hear the inevitable::: Baby starts crying. So it's a *how fast can I possibly get this done* race to at least get a diaper on Catie & panties on Gabbi.

Ok. Not so bad. No one was hurt or scarred- except maybe Mommy.

Feed Baby.

Get a phone call.

Relay to friend the chaos of the morning.

No sooner do you finish that story, when the 20 month old dumps Big Sister's milk from breakfast all in Baby's car seat.

:::sigh:::

I'm gonna miss these day.

So how has it been adjusting to three? Well, some days (like those listed above) I just gotta laugh to keep from crying.

An extra set of hands would be nice.

And it's amazing how just one more child can make your home seem a thousand times smaller... I find myself daydreaming of a bigger home. Ugh discontentment. I hate it.

Laundry stays piles for days at a time, and the bathroom goes longer than I'd care to admit without being cleaned. My house is a wreck, but it's not *dirty*. My kids are in PJs most of the day, but they're loved.

Yeah my hands may be full.... but so is my heart.

Learning Thankfulness

The title of this post should really be "Learning thankfulness, selflessness, graciousness, forgiveness...etc" but I don't have the space for that.
This week Dustin is at a conference (Together 4 the Gospel) in Louisville, so we are up here with my mom and dad. I'm staying here in their small two bedroom apartment with a 2year old and 7month old, while all them attend the conference. Yesterday I wasn't even able to be in the apt most of the day as their carpet needed to be replaced. So at 10 in the morning we loaded up in the double stroller off to find an adventure to occupy us until nap time.
It was a terribley exhausting day. Usually I get to call Dustin freely during the day for any "issues" that come up with the kids, or if I get bored, or lonely... or just want to hear his voice :) But not yesterday. I had to wake Catie up from her morning nap and leave, so she was less than pleased with that event. By noon both of them were falling apart. We met up with my sister-in-law, Lauren, for lunch at 12:30. Happy to see her, but never happy to go out anywhere to eat with both of the kids and no Dustin. Everytime we eat out with the kids (even with him there) I feel this pit of dread well up in my stomach. Anyone with toddlers knows what I'm talking about for sure. I felt flustered and distracted and I'm sure the tone in my voice was anything but loving the tenth time I told Gabbi to "turn around and eat your chicken".
I was ready for naptime. But Gabbi wasn't. When we got home and I laid them down, there was definitely protesting. Gabbi goes through spells where she fights naptime. Not so much with words or crying or tantrums anything like that. But she plays to keep herself awake. She gets disciplined for playing or talking loudly or fussing. She knows it's time to sleep. So I was going in there repeatedly for over an hour to adminster discipline. I was worn down to the core and ready to just see my husband. After Gabbi had finally fallen asleep and I was able to doze off for maybe 20 minutes. Dustin had a break from 5-7:30 and we were supposed to meet him for dinner. Well, he called me at 4:30, saying he wasn't sure if there would really be time for me to drive downtown and meet up with them, like we had planned earlier. Longing for adult conversation, and help from my husband for ANY length of time more so, those were the LAST words I wanted to hear. I began crying and was SO frustrated- not with him or anyone in particular, just frustrated. He called back and said if I was able to hurry and get them ready and out the door by 5 then we could make it work. I was packing up diaper bags and rushing around when Gabbi woke up.... followed by more discipline issues that I'm not going to go into right now. There was no way we would be able to make it out the door by 5, and I was even more frustrated. I explained to Gabbi that her disobedience has consequences that affect more than just herself, that we would not be able to go see daddy because her disobedience had delayed us. Well, I confess I was not instructing her in love. I was so exhausted and so upset.
Right before 5 Dustin called me again and said for me to still try and make it. So in a rush I got the girls out the door. On the way to the car Gabbi told me, "Mommy, you said we could not go see Daddy." I was quiet for a minute, thinking (how do I respond to this??), then I responded: "well honey, the Lord is so gracious to us. He gives us good things even when we don't deserve them. Even though we disobey, He still lavishes us with gifts. You were disobedient, but we still get to go see Daddy." Then another thought: "Just like I was disobedient, but we still get to go see Daddy."
This morning was better, my mom stuck around from the conference. But this afternoon, here I sit watching my sweet girl play with sidewalk chalk while the other one is sleeping. Then, a text message from my hubby: "I love you. Thank you for serving so I can come."
Oh how convicted I am that not for a moment had that thought entered my mind. Serving... yet without a servant's heart. All day yesterday I was just in this pity party of how tired I was, how hard this job is, how much I needed some help. I am serving.
I do love this job. I wouldn't trade being a wife & mommy to my precious girls for anything in this world. Even through the hard times when I just want to shove my head under my pillow, cry, and run away from how HARD it truly is... It's sanctification. It's glorious. He never said it would be easy, He has only said I won't do it alone. I'm so thankful He will not allow me to stay in a pity party for any length of time. He is so very good to me.

In His perfect timing I stumbled across this today and it brought tears to my eyes (not many things do):

Let Me Hold You Longer
Karen Kingsbury

Long ago you came to me,
a miracle of firsts,
First smiles and teeth and baby steps
a sunbeam on the burst.
But one day you will move away
and leave to me your past
And I will be left thinking of
a lifetime of your lasts…
The last time that I held a bottle
to your baby lips
The last time that I lifted you
and held you on my hip.
The last night when you woke up crying,
needing to be walked,
When last you crawled up with your blanket
wanting to be rocked.
The last time when you ran to me,
still small enough to hold.
The last time that you said you’d marry
me when you grew old.
Precious, simple moments and
bright flashes from your past-
Would I have held on longer if
I’d known they were your last?
Our last adventure to the park,
your final midday nap,
The last time when you wore your favorite
faded baseball cap.
Your last few hours of kindergarten,
those last few days of first grade,
Your last at bat in Little League,
last colored picture made.
I never said good-bye to all
your yesterdays long passed.
So what about tomorrow-
will I recognize your lasts?
The last time that you catch a frog
in that old backyard pond.
The last time that you run barefoot
across our fresh-cut lawn.
Silly, scattered images
will represent your past.
I keep on taking pictures,
never quite sure of your lasts…
The last time that I comb your hair
or stop a pillow fight.
The last time that I pray with you
and tuck you in at night.
The last time when we cuddle
with a book, just me and you
The last time you jump in our bed
and sleep between us two.
The last piano lesson,
last vacation to the lake.
Your last few weeks of middle school,
last soccer goal you make.
I look ahead and dream of days
that haven’t come to pass.
But as I do, I sometimes miss
today’s sweet, precious lasts…
The last time that I help you with
a math or spelling test.
The last time when I shout that yes,
your room is still a mess.
The last time that you need me for
a ride from here to there.
The last time that you spend the night
with your old tattered bear.
My life keeps moving faster,
stealing precious days that pass,
I want to hold on longer-
want to recognize your lasts…
The last time that you need my help
with details of a dance.
The last time that you ask me for
advice about romance.
The last time that you talk to me
about your hopes and dreams.
The last time that you wear a jersey
for your high school team.
I’ve watched you grow and barely noticed
seasons as they pass.
If I could freeze the hands of time,
I’d hold on to your lasts.
For come some bright fall morning,
you’ll be going far away.
College life will beckon
in a brilliant sort of way.
One last hug, one last good-bye,
one quick and hurried kiss.
One last time to understand
just how much you’ll be missed.
I’ll watch you leave and think how fast
our time together passed.
Let me hold on longer,God,
to every precious last.

It's crazy because just these passed couple weeks I find myself just watching Gabbi. As she eats, or plays, or is talking to me. And I think of her as a baby... how the days when she would be walking and talking seemed so far off, almost unreachable. Now here she is- a running, jumping, dancing, tutu-wearing, princess-playing, song-singing 2 1/2 year but so much older-acting girl. It makes me realize how quickly her life is going to go by, and how soon she'll be gone. Catie too. This poem brought even more conviction with the text from my husband.
So the Lord is teaching me thankfulness... and so much more. For these days that seem so hard but in hind sight, they are just part of the journey. And I love every step of the journey.
So I am going to get off here and play with my daughter as she serves me invisible coffee from a plastic cup smaller than my fist, and a plastic orange in a yellow bowl... my favorite of all snacks.