The longings of the heart...

I had a "come to Jesus" moment with Gabbi this afternoon. I praise God for times when He shows me what is in my unregenerate children's hearts, although I don't always act in thankfulness.

Today we went to Chik-fil-a with Mom. It was great getting out of the house, even if on a rainy day. The rain and clouds held off the close-to-100 degree weather we were supposed to have, so that was nice. After lunch we went to walk around Target & buy some shoes for Catie-bug who has outgrown every pair of her shoes. No joke, we literally took her into Target bare-footed. Her sandals fit her on Sunday. And Monday I noticed her toes hanging off the ends. Growing girl!

Taking a group full of girls to the shoe section in any store is a sure fire way to reveal a covetousness heart- including my own. So there we are, can you picture it, trying on shoes for Catie as she pulls shoes off the shelf. Every size she grabbed was bigger, so she'd shove it in my face saying "sissy shoe. sissy shoe." All the while, Gabbi dances up and down the shoe isles making sure I'm well aware that she just LOVES this pair... no this pair... no she REALLY loves this pair... aren't they so pretty, Mommy??? ((sigh))

Well, they only had one pair and shoes in Catie's size so that made things slightly easier, and we moved onto the clothing section. We had no need to be in the clothing section really, I only wanted to show Mom the small rack of Minnie Mouse clothes I saw there on a previous trip- Catie loves Minnie :)

All the while Gabbi is asking for everything she sees. Everything. "I want this dress... Can we get this shirt?? Ooo no this one." The thing about it was, it didn't frustrate me. It didn't exasperate me. It only made me sad as I realized... am I any different?? Just because I don't verbalize my wants doesn't mean that the Lord doesn't see the depths of my heart as I walk through the store. I want everything I see. "Lord, I wish we could afford this... and this... Why can't I buy every pair of shoes down the isle? Ah, if only... Then I'd be happy." And what I lie that is!

"Gabbi, honey, we did not come to buy dresses. Catie needs shoes, that's the only reason we came," I explained.

"But I waaaaaaant iiiiiiiiit!!!!!!!" Breaking point. In my flesh, any other day, I would turn my head with the well known, "whose child is this?!?!" expression. But the Lord gave me such grace. He HAS shown me such grace, so I passed it on to Gabbi. I hugged her, and I admit, shed some tears as well. What could I say to her?? I was the exact same way. I prayed for God to show me how to address her.

Gabbi, do you know why you want everything you see? She nodded, "Because of my heart." Yes, honey, your heart is selfish and it's not satisfied. I know because I'm the same way. My heart is selfish and I want everything I see in the store too. But you know what? Jesus can satisfy our hearts and all our desires, and he is the only one who can. You know, honey, if Mommy bought you every pair of shoes you liked and all the pretty dresses in the store. If we took them home and filled your room with everything, you still wouldn't be satisfied because you haven't trusted Jesus to satisfy your heart. I'm the same way honey, but I trust Jesus to satisfy me, and He does. Will this dress make you happy? She nodded. No, honey, no it won't. This dress will not make you happy. You think it will right now because your heart is sinful, but it won't. What is the only thing that can truly make you happy? "Jesus." Yes, Baby, Jesus is the ONLY thing that will truly make you happy. Not this dress. Not all the pretty shoes. Nothing. Nothing will make you truly happy. Only Jesus. So let's ask Him to show you how dissatisfied you are without Him. Let's ask Him to satisfy both of our selfish hearts....

What a moment He gave me. I am so thankful for opportunities to see their sinfulness & point out clear examples of how Jesus can change them. After we prayed and we started to walk away, she did continue to cry.

I am not discouraged. It's only evidence that He has not changed her heart yet. I explained that her, that she was showing me she hadn't trusted Jesus yet. And I asked her over and over, "Will that dress make you happy?... No, only Jesus can make you happy."

I am well aware that my words cannot change her. I know I did not say all the right things, and maybe said some wrong things as far as anyone else is concerned... but it is not about what I say or do that will cause Jesus to change her heart.

In the same way nothing I said or did caused Him to change mine. He chose to out of the depths of His grace & mercy. It is that same grace & mercy I look to, and ask for on behalf of my children... and I wait....

Day 11

Something I hate.

It's taken me a couple days to gather my thoughts for this post. I look at what's going on in Egypt- a power hungry dictator, civil unrest; what's been going on in Africa- poverty, starvation, children being abducted and forced into local armies; what's going on the US- abortion, drug babies born to less than capable parent(s)... I hate these things. I hate when my babies are in pain... yet I know, my babies have no idea about pain. They are tucked safely in their warm cozy beds each night, with full tummies and the "comforts" of blankies and a million stuffed animals surrounding them. No... they don't know discomfort, and probably never will. I hate seeing children in pain, but the problem truly goes much deeper than that. I get angry at women like the one pictured boasting in a "choice". Then I realize, she's blind, it's sin. It all goes back to sin. Unrest in Egypt. Poverty in Africa. Abortion in the US. (I know these locations are not the only place these things exist, it's just what's come to mind at the moment.) The Lord is not surprised by these things... He said it would be so! And He also knows why it is so... why? It's because of sin. What I truly hate, is SIN.

When I began thinking of my hatred for sin & all these things around the world going on that are caused by sin, the Lord quickly brought it back to me.

I hate MY sin.

This is pretty much the best picture I could find for "my sin". And sadly, it's pretty accurate... I have been the woman before. What's not so accurate is that Dustin is rarely that man raising his voice back. No, my sin is not limited to screaming at my husband... and by His grace only the screaming has been significantly less than the first year or so of marriage... I have been given a new nature, but still am dealing with the sin nature I was born with. And I'm reminded of it every day. It wears me out... and I know it wears out those around me. I'm impatient. I'm prideful. I'm lazy. I'm unbelieving. I'm selfish.

Oh, how I can't wait for the day when finally this old nature will be put off for good! And I will worship Christ fully, without a sin nature hindering me.

God is not up in Heaven wringing His hands, wondering what He is going to do with Egypt, or Africa, or America.... or me. He knows truly the need for the world- to hear and receive His gospel. God is sovereign over the painful things too, nothing has caught Him by surprise. He does all things well, and for His glory- whether or not it makes sense to me. That does not mean I'm to sit back and shrug off what's going on around me. But I know first, I must deal with myself- I must remind myself of who I am in Christ, and ask for the Holy Spirit to enable me to act accordingly. Secondly, I must pray for His will to be done among the nations, that His name may be made great. And I also must hear Him on what He wants me (us) to do... Pray? Give? Go?

Well, we all should pray. But the giving or the going.... it looks different for everyone.

I know that by one man sin entered the world. That Satan in the god (little "g") of this world, and that is evident by the current events. And I surely hate these two facts. But I am not discouraged.

John 16:33

In this world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

He is the answer. He is what they need. Someone just needs to tell them.